5 Problems Superheroes Would Have (Movies Don't Address)

5

Contract Laws Would Have To Be Rewritten

Warner Brothers Pictures

In the world of superheroes, death is little more than an unscheduled break between punching a bunch of assholes in discount Halloween costumes. Both Captain America and Superman, the blue-clad flagships of Marvel and DC, have "died" and came back to life more times than the Winchester brothers.

Marvel Comics, DC Comics
Nobody here is reacting in the appropriate manner, which is "Eh."

But while their returns from the Great Beyond were joyous occasions in the comics, in the real world, they'd cause total anarchy. Proving someone's death would become the biggest hassle ever. Every time you'd try to cancel your dead grandma's phone service or credit cards, Comcast or VISA would be all, "Yeah, but what if she was a Kryptonian or a super soldier, and will resurrect soon? Let's give it a few more months before we do something crazy, like stop billing her."

In superhero universes, death is probably treated like workplace injury -- everyone assumes you're faking it, and almost certainly hires investigators to catch alleged corpses coming back to life. In Netflix's Daredevil, there even exists a cult of ninjas with the ability to bring people back from the dead. Are they alive? Are they dead? Do they still owe Columbia House money?! That's something we'd need to figure out, and fast.

Marvel Television
They'll revive Elektra as many times as needed to get a decent spinoff out of her.

All of our existing contracts would have to be torn up and rewritten completely. On the plus side, newlyweds would get to say, "'Til death do us part ... barring one of us being an alien, or the work of occult ninjas."

4

Superhero Insurance Would Bankrupt The World

Marvel Studios

3

"Mind Control" Would Excuse Every Criminal

Marvel Television

The Netflix series Jessica Jones features a villain, Kilgrave, with the terrifying ability to make others obey his every command. Steal, lie, commit suicide -- anything. The series kicks off when Kilgrave orders a girl to kill her parents, and the superpowered Jessica Jones tries to get her acquitted on account of her having been mind-controlled.

Marvel Television
"Seriously? If you're going to try that bullshit, at least come up with a better fake name than KILGRAVE." -- every disbelieving judge

2

Celebrity Superheroes Would Dominate The World

Marvel Studios

The real world is full of woefully undeserving people being elevated to celebrity status, from Kim Kardashian to Donald Trump. But the whole thing would get far worse if superpowered individuals really existed. The superheroes would get top billing, of course -- we even see some of that acknowledged in Superman and Spider-Man comics -- but the real world is a much sicker place. The villains would get their time in the spotlight, too. Just look at celebrity serial killers for a preview of how that would go down.

Warner Brothers Pictures
Imagine how many groupies would throw themselves at an imprisoned Joker insisting he's misunderstood. Wait, you don't have to ...

1

Politics Would Soon Revolve Entirely Around Superheroes

Marvel Studios

Did you die a little inside when you discovered that Clint Eastwood might be endorsing Donald Trump for president? Now try to imagine how it'd feel if it was Captain America throwing his weight behind The Orange One. Same for Superman, the big blue Boy Scout who's basically the All-American lovechild of Washington and Lincoln. One word of endorsement from him could shape the entire world. And if that's not scary, imagine if a superhero ran for office. After all, who could say no to a campaign slogan that was essentially "I saved the world from an alien invasion. You guys owe me."

Warner Brothers Pictures
"Oh, you don't like my free trade proposal?"

Then there are the legal issues we'd have to figure out. Can a person with a secret identity endorse a candidate? Is Superman an American citizen? Can a political candidate use the image of an Avenger in their campaign without consent?

Marvel Studios
"HULK VOTE GREEN PARTY!"

Plus, if superheroes were real, all of politics would boil down to who can get more capes and masks behind their campaign. Which ... honestly sounds a million times better than the utter shit show the 2016 election has already turned out to be. Fuck it -- this November 8th, we're writing in Squirrel Girl.

For more downsides of the superhero business, check out 6 Awesome Superpowers (That Would Suck in Real Life) and 7 Awesome Super Powers (Ruined by Science).

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