6 Horrifying Acts Of Desperation & Fear Caused By Spiders

Burning at the stake is classically reserved for only the most evil of threats, such as witches, women we think are witches, or just women we don't like very much. And if it's good enough for witches, it's good enough for spiders. But it doesn't always work out the intended way. An unidentified Seattle man was in the laundry room of his house when he encountered irrevocable proof of an uncaring God: the spider. Instead of going, "Ah!" and then swatting at his hair for a few minutes, he quickly fashioned himself a makeshift blowtorch and, as the local news put it: "Firefighters say the man who rented the house was trying to kill a spider in the laundry room with a can of spray paint and a lighter. The flames quickly spread through the room and into the attic."

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"Where'd he go?! SUPPRESSING FIRE!"

He called 911 and firefighters put the blaze out, but not before it caused $60,000 in damage to the house -- which wasn't even his house. We're sure the landlord was very understanding when he explained, "It almost touched me."

This "panic and then fire" approach to spider-problem-solving wasn't an isolated incident. In Michigan, a man was pumping gas when he spotted a lone spider on the roof of his car. He pulled out his lighter (sensible!) and managed to set the spider on fire -- along with his whole car and very nearly the gas station.

Instead of acting like a normal person and abandoning the car for scrap.

The gas station attendant hit an emergency button to stop the flow of gas to the pump, so the blaze was contained and did not, y'know, explode and cause several deaths.

Though we can all likely agree: That would be the coolest way to be killed by a spider.

It was a nice day out, so a retiree and his wife fired up their grill for a little barbecue. They let it preheat and then tossed some meat on to cook. All was going surprisingly well!

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"All that's left to do is to confidently finish this sent-"

Until the knobs started shooting out flames, then melted entirely. After putting out the fire and shutting off the gas, the man called the manufacturer for a well-deserved "What the fuck was that, exactly?" In a masterstroke of customer service deadpan, the representative told him that the problem was caused by his grill being full of spiders.

After the screaming stopped, the rep explained that the customer didn't hermetically seal the whole thing at the end of the autumn, so by spring all the local spiders had packed the workings so tight with nests and squirming spider bodies, it burst into flames. That particular grill model was recalled for being a spider condo, and the company introduced SpiderGuard technology (yes, it was literally called SpiderGuard) to every new model thereafter. They also offer SpiderGuard replacement burners for every one of their pre-SpiderGuard models. We know what you're thinking, and yes, we're already on the phone asking if they SpiderGuard things aside from grills. We'll get back to you.

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"No, no, SpiderGuard will absolutely not make it easier for us --
I mean them -- to get into your home."

Because Kevin Keating was elderly enough to still care about snail mail, he noticed right away when the post office ceased all delivery. Not one single Bi-Mart catalog, nary a Papa John's coupon booklet -- not a single AARP discount card! All delivery to his home had ceased, without even an explanation from the Canadian Postal Service. Keating called the local office, and a week later he got a response in the form of a handwritten note that just said "Spider webs" and the date. The carrier was refusing to deliver the mail because of the webs.

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And pop culture myths ruined his arming mail carriers solution.

Keating walked outside, knocked down the spider web strung across the unused entrance, put up a big plastic "eff you" spider to mock the mail carrier, then called the post office -- and the news.

After the public embarrassment, delivery was resumed, and the Canadian Postal Service admitted the carrier in question may have been "overzealous" when he stopped delivery because of a spider web.

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"Union rules clearly state that a mail carrier may refuse to deliver if the house
gives him or her the heebie-jeebies."

But also, like, we get it.

We'll let him speak for himself:

"Where's your wife?" an officer asked.

"I don't have one," the man replied.

"Where's your girlfriend?" he pressed.

"I don't have one," he said.

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*several silent moments pass*

Police told the man that other tenants had heard the screams, the death threats, and the dull thud of flung furniture. "Come on mate, what have you done to her?" the officer asked.

"It was a spider," the man replied sheepishly. "A really big one."

"What about the woman screaming?"

"Yeah, sorry, that was me," he said. "I really, really hate spiders."

Why, yes, that was a scene from The Simpsons.

The Simpsons have already done reality.

Instead of calling the police, the secretaries merely gave each other "holy shit" looks and took the decorations down. The lead prosecutor did later issue a memo stating employees could no longer strap gats at the office. But ultimately even that wasn't enough to soothe the terror shakes of the decorating committee, so some weeks later, White was suspended and the sheriff's office began an investigation. The prosecutor stated that they were trying to "work our way through it as an office" and that the now-unemployed White "knew what he did was wrong."

Right. He should have used fire.

Tspearman once touched a spider to impress a gal. Hear all about it on Twitter.

Deep inside us all -- behind our political leanings, our moral codes, and our private biases -- there is a cause so colossally stupid that we surprise ourselves with how much we care. Whether it's toilet paper position, fedoras on men, or Oxford commas, we each harbor a preference so powerful we can't help but proselytize to the world. In this episode of the Cracked podcast, guest host Soren Bowie is joined by Cody Johnston, Michael Swaim, and comedian Annie Lederman to discuss the most trivial things we will argue about until the day we die. Get your tickets here!

For more reasons nature is completely frightening, check out The 6 Deadliest Creatures (That Can Fit In Your Shoe) and 5 Animals That Could Take Over the World (If They Wanted To).

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