5 Mind-Blowing Loopholes You Had No Idea Existed
Loopholes are like buttholes -- everyone is pretty well aware that they exist, and some people don't use them often enough (and some people use them a little bit too excessively). We've told you before about some great examples of people gaming the system in ridiculously circuitous ways. Here are some more schemes that drive a metaphorical monster truck over the fine print.
A Starbucks Customer Uses Their Free Drink Policy To Get A $50 Coffee
Starbucks has completely moved out of the realm of "hipster gathering space" and become corporate enough that people are comfortable fucking with them. Our hero Andrew didn't know that he wanted to drink enough coffee to kill a horse until he saw this video.
In 2013, that YouTube video of a guy ordering a 40-shot espresso went viral. The total cost of the drink was $47.30, because it also included bananas, strawberry, matcha powder, and pumpkin spice. If you think that sounds absolutely disgusting, you are not alone. Andrew knew there must be a way to get an even more expensive but still tolerable drink.
Of course, like the guy before him, Andrew wouldn't actually be paying for the giant beverage. Andrew was a member of Starbuck's loyalty program, which meant he got a free drink for every 12 he bought. Now, most people would go in and just order the most expensive thing on the actual menu, but that wasn't required. Basically, a "drink" was defined as anything the people behind the counter were willing to serve him. In the end, he was going to get himself more than $50 of free coffee.
"Just to the halfway mark, please. I still want to be able to submerge myself in it."
Andrew put thought into his goal. While other people trying to beat the record messed up by bringing in fishbowls, he brought in a 128-ounce clear glass vase that was still ostensibly a drinking glass. He also made sure to tell the baristas exactly what his plans were and get them excited about it. Soon, everyone was doing the math to figure out how to break the $50 barrier.
In the end, they settled on a 60-shot Frappuccino. It took Andrew five days to finish -- which was a good choice, since the resultant diarrhea of an all-at-once session could have killed him. And while Starbucks officially "discourages" people from doing this in the future, they haven't actually stated that it goes against their rules. Just saying.
There Are "Bridge Parties" In Austin (Thanks To A Legal Drinking Loophole)
We're not talking about your Aunt Karen's bridge party that she hosts after Thursday book club. This is much more insane.
Austin is the one part of Texas the rest of the country tends to be proud of, and it's also home to a ridiculous municipal loophole. Some folks realized that, while smoking and drinking in public are both totally illegal in the city, for some reason, they were okay as long as you were over the Colorado River (no, not that one; the other one), which runs through downtown. Now, you could go to the trouble of renting a hot air balloon or helicopter and just try to hover, or you could take the easy way out and walk onto the Pfluger Pedestrian Bridge.
Once people figured out this loophole in the law, the bridge became the new awesome place to hang out. Groups of up to 100 people at a time meet to smoke and get drunk on the bridge, and there is nothing the police can do about it.
"Can you at least please stop aiming for kayakers when you puke?"
Of course, the Parks and Recreation Department, who are in charge of the bridge, weren't thrilled about this. While it would probably make an awesome episode for Leslie Knope, the reality is much sadder. Partiers often leave a lot of garbage behind, meaning the city has to pay to clean it up. Since the bridge is also used by families, people have expressed concerns that it is wrong to expose children to such behavior. So, kids: Don't drink and smoke on that bridge -- mostly because by the time you are old enough to do so, they will have closed the loophole and you could get arrested.
A Mississippi Sex Ed Law Says Nothing About Socks
Have you ever thought about how important it is to practice safe socks? Sure, putting on socks is like second nature to you now, but when you were young, someone had to help you. And even then, you probably ripped them off your feet at the first available opportunity.
"I guess that's just how she was raised."
Correct sock use is a lot more complicated a skill than we give it credit for, and you can't assume that by high school, kids have mastered their technique. Fortunately, one hero in Mississippi decided that they couldn't risk students going barefoot.
Here's the rundown, based on the teachings of Sanford Johnson, an education advocate in Mississippi. First, make sure to unroll the sock the whole way, and get it as far up your calf as possible. Be sure to pinch the tip, since you wouldn't want it to be too tight around your toes; the sock could get a hole in it that way. When taking off your shoe, hold the top of the sock so that it doesn't slide off. And of course, absolutely always put on a sock if you are going to wear shoes. Go even one time without, and you could get athlete's foot or a blister. Or many blisters.
Somewhere, Quentin Tarantino sheds a lone tear.
Just for the record, this has nothing to do with the fact that teaching about condoms is not allowed under Mississippi's abstinence-only sex education. If you think this sounds like "sock" is just a convenient euphemism for a prophylactic, taking advantage of a loophole in the law, then Sanford Johnson has no idea what you are talking about. He totally still thinks that an abstinence-only education is the only way to get away from Mississippi's national runner-up status in teen pregnancy rates, chlamydia, and gonorrhea.
A Brewery Legally Sells Beer By Also Selling $15 Hot Pockets
Alcohol laws are probably the most striking example of how confusing things can get when states are left to regulate things for themselves. Indiana, being the Alabama of the North, is still hovering around the 1910s in terms of where its alcohol laws sit. For example, you can't buy alcohol on Sundays there, probably because you should be in church, dagnabbit.
Come for the sermon, stay for the communion.
But Indianapolis' Sun King Brewery, as a brewery (as in a place that just brews beer), wasn't allowed to let folks sample their wares in-house simply because it wasn't also a restaurant. Only restaurants are allowed to serve alcohol by the glass.
But then the owners figured out that no one actually had to order the food, and the options didn't have to be Gordon Ramsay-mazing. As long as they offered something that someone could theoretically order at some point, they could serve as much beer as they wanted.
"Eh, I'm gonna be puking anyway ..."
That's how they ended up with a menu on which Hot Pockets cost more than twice the minimum wage. If you want something even less classy, you can always order the $15 "soup," aka a cup of noodles. Despite having enough food for up to 25 people at one time, the brewery has only ever sold one Hot Pocket, and that was to an employee.
Who either made way too much in tips or was stoned out of his mind at work.
You Can Buy Illegal Fireworks In Florida For "Agricultural Purposes"
As a bunch of Internet comedy writers, we can't pretend to know how hard farming must be on a day-to-day basis. From what we can gather, after what must be a few millennia of farming by now, birds seem to have caught on to the whole scarecrow thing, and that's making it hard on folks in the farming community. One solution has been to scare the vermin off with fireworks.
But you know who else likes bright lights and big noises? Folks who live in rural Florida. That's why one local loophole has been very lucrative for fireworks dealers in Panama City Beach. While your run-of-the-mill Fourth of July fireworks are technically banned within city limits, fireworks for "agricultural purposes" are still allowed.
"I need to protect my herb garden."
"You live in a high rise."
The problem is that the city never defined what those animal-bothering fireworks look like. So sellers are free to offer sparklers, Roman Candles, and Purple Passions to customers whenever they want. For some reason, they seem to do this around Independence Day, and not so much the rest of the year. We assume the rabbits are just especially hungry that weekend.
Hungry for freedom!
When buying fireworks, people have to sign a form stating that they are planning on using them on their farm. But since no one ever follows up and the form isn't legally binding, people LIE. It's scandalous, we know. Take a minute to recover from the shock. Then head to Panama City Beach and enjoy the firework displays -- probably the only nice thing about Florida.
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