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"Trying to keep up with the news is like trying to clean up post-blizzard snow drifts by pissing on them."
10 Cracked Posts Everyone Went Nuts Over Last Week - 1/31
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Cracked Writers
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- January 31, 2016
Heroes come in many forms. And some of those forms are delightfully subversive.
One step closer to our dream of having a snow penis that can be viewed from outer space.
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Silence isn't always golden. For a lot of people, it's considered more of a sh!t brown.
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"If you're an introvert, you spend so much of your time wishing that other people would just shut the hell up that you figure you're doing everyone a favor. But for many people, you'd be better off telling them to fuck off, because at least then you're acknowledging that they matter."
"Contrary to Mr. Trump's understanding, the parental justification behind our move was less "take their jobs, then poison their water supplies" and more "our village just had like 10 beheadings, and I would rather my kids not grow up in a drug-cartel-run environment."
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"Also, contrary to what a lot of angry people seem to believe, undocumented immigrants are ineligible to collect government assistance."
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No successful franchise, especially a game franchise, is immune to spinoffs. But no franchise just stopped giving a shit as abruptly as Final Fantasy did.
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"Maybe it's a sign of how far the industry has come that we don't need Final Fantasy anymore."
Just our weekly reminder that you shouldn't be a dick...
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"Numbers don't lie, which makes them even more infuriating when those numbers are delivering some not so great information."
Prison labor sometimes comes with a sneaky surcharge.
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"There are some people who are happy to do petty things to get back at those who wronged them, and then there are those who put a certain amount of finesse into it and make vengeance kind of awesome."
Granted, those Swedish parents are all supermodels, with flexible photoshoot schedules.
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"Hey, we know that America is great (SUPER great for our FBI readership out there). But there's always room for improvement."
Trump's staff needs to seize his Twitter account and hand it over to a stoned intern.
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"Before you throw your support fully behind one candidate or another, it's important to get the full scope of the levels of unrelenting dipshittery all of these people can stoop to."
"He does it AGAIN???" -- Hugh Jackman reading every 'X-Men' script, probably.
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"We like to take a break from writing too many words about superheroes and let some of our friends take over for a little while."
Appearing on Power Rangers seems like the first step in some kind of Final Destination scenario.
"I hope your childhood is now as completely buttfucked as mine, because it at least makes me feel a bit better that I'm not going through this trauma alone."
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