4

Russians Can Hire Fake Ambulances To Cut Through Traffic

Heinrich Hoffmann/Hulton Archive/Getty Images

Even douchebags with rubber testicles dangling from their Ford F-350s tend to get out of the way of an ambulance with blaring sirens, because testicles aside, they're not monsters. And because no good deed goes unpunished, and also because Russia's version of capitalism is like the "Mirror, Mirror" version of America, you can hire a taxi disguised as an ambulance if you really need to get somewhere in Moscow fast and have a moral compass with negative polarity. It will only set you back 6,000 rubles (200 freedom eagles) an hour, in addition to slowly withering your soul piece by blackened piece.

The problem is that Moscow traffic makes Los Angeles gridlock look like a pleasant weekend drive through rural Virginia, because Moscow drivers have essentially agreed to do a citywide post-apocalyptic roleplay to liven up the workweek. Some businessmen, left with the choice between being late for meetings and using their absurd wealth to show up on time at the cost of common decency, are opting for the latter.

3

A Woman Dies On Her Tour Bus, And Her Group Decides To Keep On Driving

Hubert Robert

A group of 40 Swedish retirees were returning home after a Vienna art tour when one of their number, an 82-year-old woman traveling with her husband, suddenly stopped breathing. But this group of tourists wasn't about to let a trivial little detail like "a woman is dead" keep them from getting home in time for the Swedish equivalent of Matlock (it's Matthiaslock). Rather than pull over and notify any kind of authorities, they kept right on driving. She had already lived a long and happy 82 years, she had wrapped up a great trip, and she probably didn't want her final act on this planet to be a big ol' inconvenience to all her new friends, right? And what better place to store a corpse than on the bus seat she paid for?

Natal Witness Archive/Hulton Archive/Getty
"Buses: the coffins of the road" -- old Stockholm saying

2

A Man Landed A Plane On A Golf Course To Make A Tennis Lesson

Ahunt/Wiki Commons

There are a few events in your life that are so important that everyday rules no longer apply. Maybe you're getting married. Maybe you or your wife is in labor. Maybe someone is plastering the neighborhood with Ted Nugent posters and you've recently decided to wallpaper the baby's room in pure Nugent. The point being that behaving in a somewhat reckless manner is understandable in a select few circumstances. Your son being late for a tennis lesson is not one of those circumstances.

That brings us to Robert Kadera, an electrical engineer by trade but an out-of-touch asshole fulfilling every negative stereotype about the rich in practice. Faced with the gut-wrenching prospect of the other kids at the country club mocking his kid's inferior backhand, Kadera chose to land his private plane on a nearby golf course to make sure his son got to his lesson on time.

Daily Herald
"What am I supposed to do? Park it in the street like a common Mercedes?"

1

A Disabled Persons Escort Abandoned A Patient To Get To A Concert

WNBC

We don't know how you celebrated last New Year's Eve, but unless Viggo the Carpathian was involved, we're willing to bet that you had a better time than Ed Rivera, who spent 17 hours trapped in a freezing cold bus. Rivera has cerebral palsy and can't communicate verbally, along with suffering from some of the other shittiness that comes with the disease. So his parents hired a company called Outstanding Transport to escort him to and from his special needs school, presumably because they had been under the impression that "abandoning your charge for nearly an entire day" is not generally considered outstanding behavior.

WNBC
"They just left him there! Like some kind of icy Swedish corpse!"

But Rivera's escort, Linda Hockaday, had big plans, and they didn't involve ferrying around someone who was going to put a real damper on the end-of-year festivities with his "special needs" and "desire to not almost freeze to death in 15-degree weather." Hockaday was in a rush to get a concert at her church, and apparently figured that God would be annoyed if she showed up late after wasting her time helping someone less fortunate. So she had the bus return to the depot, kept Rivera strapped in his seat, and left to celebrate the year that had passed and everything that she had to look forward to in the coming year, such as criminal charges.

WNBC
She was charged with "reckless endangerment" and "making Jesus sad."

Rivera's body temperature dropped, he got so hungry that he ate part of the vinyl seats, and when police eventually found him, he was rushed to the hospital to be treated for hypothermia and dehydration. Hockaday tried to throw the driver under the ... um, she tried to blame the driver, but authorities considered her solely at fault because she seated Rivera in a way that hid him from the driver's view, almost as if she knew what she was doing was wrong somehow. She was sentenced to community service, three years' probation, and a completely toxic Google search result for her name. Ironically, the concert she was in such a hurry to get to wound up starting late. Well played, Universe.

Richie Ryan occasionally works the wood real good. See his things. You can also follow Richie on Twitter, if that's how you roll.

For more insanely ridiculous lies people came up with, check out 6 People Who Faked Their Own Death (For Ridiculous Reasons) and The 7 Most Extreme Lies Ever Told To Get Out Of Something.

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