10 Cracked Posts Everyone Went Nuts Over Last Week - 12/13
There were swirling fire tornadoes of controversy last week: Trump! Poor folks! Guns! Islam! But there was one thing we could all settle down and agree upon: Terry Crews is a king among men.
Poor people, right? "Poor People Are Living Like Kings On Food Stamps!"
"As far as most news outlets are concerned -- anyone below the poverty line is fair game as a source of national amusement."
This may still happen in some iteration. #CrackedPredicts
"With all the terrible movies and TV shows that we can't believe found a way to stumble into existence, it's hard to understand why more good ones can't seem to manage to make it through."
Trump's version of "You Keep A-Knockin' (But You Can't Come In)" might have all the modern bells and whistles - like a banjo solo and a crushing bass drop - but it's still just a cover of the original.
"Mention the parallels between Trump and Hitler to most people today, and they'll point out that things aren't nearly as bad in this country as they were in Germany at the time. What these people will all inevitably have in common is that they're white."
Do you even crunch Fujis, bro?
"You would think that after roughly 2,000 years of filmmaking, Hollywood could learn how to come up with some original characters."
There's some good on this pale blue dot after all!
"There's a lot of crazy shit going on in the world, and a lot of folks are quick to say that humanity is in a bad way right now. But is that really accurate?"
Founding Fathers from Adams to Franklin to Jefferson all celebrated Muhammad and the Quran. And George "I Define Patriotism" Washington personally welcomed Muslims to come work for him at Mount Vernon.
"So, why all this Founding Father/Muslim love? Probably because Sultan Mohammed ben Abdallah of Morocco was the first world figure to recognize the independence of the United States of America from Great Britain in 1777."
Sure, you might live like a slob, but at least you don't have stank bed!
"Hey, guess what? All that stuff you do that you think makes you healthier or makes the planet better or makes puppies and kittens dance a salsa together? None of it works!"
Jessica Jones is dialed in big-time.
"Jessica is an alcoholic, abrasive asshole sometimes, and the show never once uses that to downplay her trauma. She's allowed to be kind of a fuck-up while never, ever bringing into question her legitimacy as an abuse survivor."
The people of this blasted, apocalyptic wasteland have passed the championship death belt to you!
"We couldn't get used to danger like that. And our spiders are so big they eat birds."
He's what paints crave.
"A lot famous people are one trick ponies -- good at sports or acting or making music or making sex tapes. But there are a select few that transcend their known genre of expertise, excelling in another field entirely that you'd never expect."