But don't worry! If you ever get stuck, the floating head of Gabriel will appear, as if someone read from the wrong religious text under the blood moon. He gives you hints, chats with you, or encourages you to move your mouse if the whole experience insta-atrophied your brain. And that's not all! Dotted around the environment are a series of random mini-games, including tic-tac-toe (Tic-tac-toe? Are you kidding, Peter? Did you not get the rights to tag?) and a weird one co-starring Brian Eno in which you have to match famous musicians to their music.
"It's dangerous to go alone. Rock out to this."
This game was released in 1994, so needless to say, it got its ass kicked by such releases as Final Fantasy III, Warcraft, and ... wait, it won a ton of fucking awards? Well, shit. What do we know?
Holy Diver -- A Japanese Fantasy Game Starring Ozzy Osbourne And Ronnie James Dio
It's often said that the past is a foreign country. And you know what? It is. More precisely, it's Japan. If not, how else do you explain the Castlevania ripoff Holy Diver, a game starring Ozzy Osbourne, Ronnie James Dio, and a whole bunch of other guys whose names you only remember from the CDs in your badass uncle's truck?
And featuring enemies that were airbrushed on the side of said truck.
You play Randy Rhoads, who's on a quest to rid the kingdom of an ancient demon king called the Black Slayer before he can usurp the Crimson Emperor or the game writers could rip off any more band names. You're accompanied by Zack "This Guy" Wylde and later adopted by Ozzy Osbourne, proving that -- even with the help of magic -- Child Protective Services is as worthless as a candle in the wind.
If you didn't know you were playing as rock royalty, you'd assume that this was a standard old-ass Nintendo game ... which is to say that there is literally nothing else to do with rock music in this game. There's no music, no themed levels, not even a single drink anywhere. It's like the manufacturers were forced to make a rock game as part of their contract, and made the most incomprehensible piece of shit ever out of pure spite. Which itself is pretty rock 'n' roll, you guys.
It was nice of them to give Sharon a cameo, though.
When you think about it, this game also puts you in the really awkward position of having you fight demons and otherworldly nightmares under the banner of fucking Black Sabbath. This is a band who, if they ever ran across a demon, would be more inclined to high-five it and take it to a strip club than magic-murder it. That's not to say that we'd want a game where you blow up angels and shit, but ... seriously, guys.
Be sure to check out The 5 Most Absurd Video Games Starring Rock Stars and The 5 Most Baffling Celebrity Appearances In Video Games.
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