We all want to leave behind a legacy, whether it be a loving family, a vast fortune, or the world record for most times kicked out of a Waffle House. And at some point a future sculptor might memorialize you with an ill-conceived statue that will terrorize posterity for all eternity (or at least until someone petitions the town zoning board and they smelt your dead visage down into a brand-new jungle gym).
Some Americans south of the Mason-Dixon Line have a bit of a complex about the Civil War. Some try to rationalize it as being about something other than slavery, while others wave flags and build monuments as a testament to the glory days, like the drunk guy at the bar who keeps talking about how he almost won the big game in high school.
With that in mind, we present you with the statue of Confederate General Nathan Bedford Forrest, who is best known for being the fictional namesake of Forrest Gump and, to a lesser extent, for being on the ground floor when the Ku Klux Klan was established. In 1998, the questionable people of Nashville, Tennessee, decided that an asshole as historically relevant as Forrest could only be properly honored with a statue, seen here:
Sometimes cities do stuff that, well, just don't make no sense.
Let's get a closer look at his mug ...
Kim Green via Mother Jones
Note the general's tiny, tiny gun.
Wait for it ...
JESUS CRISPY CHRIST. If someone took the original Burger King and smothered him in liquid metal as he screamed in agony, this is what he would look like. It's almost as if the ghost of a Union soldier infiltrated the Nathan Bedford Forrest Statue Committee to impose this hellish spectacle on his former enemies. There's no other explanation for this many things going wrong on a human face. Between the bedazzled eyeballs, the rectangle-shaped mouth that's revealing a boxer's mouth guard where teeth should be, the odd twist of the head that suggests there's a back brace under his uniform, and the flippant way he's angling his gun as if he's ready to shoot whatever, nobody can possibly believe this statue was meant to honor anything but the very concept of madness itself.
Let's be clear about one thing: If any entertainer deserves a statue in their honor, it's Lucille Ball. Together with her husband Desi Arnaz, she made TV a thing people wanted in their homes, ran a production company, invented the concepts of reruns and multi-camera shows, and greenlit Star Trek and Mission: Impossible. So it made sense for Ball's hometown of Celoron, New York, to erect a statue honoring their local heroine.
Unfortunately, the person who designed Lucille Ball's monument was probably on actual heroin. The statue was unveiled in 2009 and has been scaring the shit out of the locals ever since.
We Love Lucy, Get Rid Of The Statue
If you squint just right it looks like the after pic of Gollum in a Hair Club for Men ad.
The crime against humanity seen above, dubbed "Scary Lucy" by many people (including the artist himself), features a terrifying woman with a thousand-yard stare, a mouth full of Chiclets and Elvis' hair. And for some reason she's desperately offering a spoonful of liquid death to whoever nears her. Also, there appears to be boils on her neck and burn scars on her chin. This "woman" resembles the real Lucy in zero ways.
CBS Television Distribution
There's not a level of Vitameatavegamin-goggles high enough to get you to see it.
The statue was so unspeakably horrible that a Facebook group called "We Love Lucy! Get Rid of the Statue!" was started, and the artist actually offered to redo it, free of charge. The mayor of Celoron politely declined, saying that he'd rather have another artist, any artist, tackle the do-over.
Gerald Ford is notable for being one of only two people to ascend to the office of vice president and president of the United States without ever being elected (the other being Frank Underwood). He's also notable for being the only sitting U.S. president to visit Mackinac Island in Michigan, which was enough for them to order their very own bust of Ford. "But we want it to look like it's made of solid gold," the people of Mackinac Island said. "And we've always wondered what it would look like if Ford's father had been an Easter Island head."
And thus, this unholy union of President Gerald Ford and 1980s phenomenon Max Headroom was born. According to the official website, the artist's goal was to reflect Ford's legacy of dutifully, if reluctantly, leading our country through a difficult time by dutifully, if reluctantly, creating a sculpture in a difficult medium. As an additional constraint, they specifically asked that Ford look like Frankenstein's monster and that his hairline resemble the new growth of grass in early spring. Mission accomplished!
Czar Samuil was an important leader in Bulgarian history, expanding the Bulgarian empire into Albania, Serbia, and Greece while holding the Byzantine Empire at bay. Naturally, such a badass conqueror requires an equally badass statue, but it should also reflect that Sam had a soft side and was deeply concerned for the welfare of his soldiers. So, the artist behind the following statue -- which stands in the Bulgarian capital of Sofia -- decided to make Sammy's eyes "glow with the inner light." That's not a figurative statement.
Nova News via BBC
The light is powered by the czar's inherent disappointment in all of this.
See? Can't you just tell by his Clash Of The Titans laser vision how deeply concerned he is? In fairness, his frown and furrowed brows could legitimately be a sign of distress. Then again, it could also be a sign of constipation as he craps out another batch of digested souls of the damned. Either way, let's all promise to keep this guy and General Crazy Eyes away from each other so they don't accidentally burn down the world with their stares.
"HELLO CHILDREN, NOW IT IS TIME FOR HELL CHRISTMAS."
If you've ever wondered what your favorite celebrity looks like naked, you don't have to hack into their phone or hope for a sex tape. If you've got enough money, you can have Daniel Edwards create conceptual art of nude celebrities for you. While some artists might find themselves above such tawdry commissions, Edwards will happily take your money and create whatever perverted imagining you've got.
Igor Khodzinskiy, AFP/Getty Images
"This will never tie the room together. Do you have one of Bernie Sanders' chiseled ass?"
But allow us to present his latest creation -- Tom Cruise!
Daniel Edwards via E! Online
"This isn't even my final form."
While Edwards has tried to tastefully cover up Cruise's package with an amorphous blob, he was presumably worried that people wouldn't imagine Tom's balls big enough, so just in case you were confused, they're huge. Edwards won't say who commissioned the 14-foot shroud, but the giant Scientology cross he's holding will probably help narrow down the list. (It was clearly Leah Remini being ironic.)
You know how sci-fi movies like The Fly will show teleportation accidents that splice several bodies into a mangled, unspeakable monstrosity? We're thinking that's the exact movie that inspired this horrific Steve Jobs memorial.
Selected from over 10,000 entries, the statue features a sloppy bust of Jobs atop an obelisk, the numbers one and zero (he did computer stuff, in case you forgot), and two Cyrillic letters made of weld spatter. It must have been past midnight and the artist's mom told him he had go to bed and turn in his unfinished project at art class the next day. No assignment is worth losing sleep over, after all.
Sure, Jobs was known for celebrating a clean design aesthetic and probably would have broken his Buddhist faith to damn this jacked-up obelisk to hell, but maybe we're missing the point of the whole piece. Here's the question we have to ask ourselves before condemning the Steve Jobs memorial: Is this thing actually a key to an alien spaceship?
Russian scientist Yevgeny Mikhaelis and Kazakh poet Abay Kunanbayev are two people from the 19th century whom you've probably never heard of, but they're important figures to the citizens of Kazakhstan. So important, in fact, that they built a statue of the two men hanging out together ... as hobbits taking a selfie.
"Be sure to get my good side, Karl Marx."
"No problem, Griphook."
So while these two might like to spend their day Instagramming themselves (#WallFall #LembasBread #Paddle?), the town in which the statue was erected wasn't so eager to welcome a pair of narcissistic millennial halflings into their midst. Fortunately, the locals gave the sculptors so much grief that it was taken down just one day after it was unveiled.
The average American can name only three soccer players off the top of their head: David Beckham, Pele, and Cristiano Ronaldo (and they might conflate him with that other guy who goes by only Ronaldo). Given that Portugal hasn't produced many celebrities since the Age of Exploration, it makes sense that Cristiano Ronaldo's hometown wanted to honor him with his own statue.
What doesn't make sense is why they gave his statue a huge dick.
EPA via Daily Mail
Or why he gave himself a teabag.
Ronaldo is not one to look a gift horse cock in the mouth and graciously stated that the unveiling was a very special moment for him, remaining otherwise unfazed by his bronze self sporting a rubbery one. It will also be a very special moment for every parent that has to explain to their child what that runaway stoat is doing in their hometown hero's shorts. ("Sigh -- here, just watch this. It's an American movie called Labyrinth.")
Join the Cracked Team as we sit down with scientists and special guests to discuss the accuracy of post-apocalyptic movie worlds in a LIVE PODCAST at UCB on Dec. 9 at 7 p.m.! Tickets on sale here!
Be sure to check out The 14 Most Unintentionally Terrifying Statues In The World and The 9 Most Baffling Monuments To Great People.
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