Cracked Writers
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Like the worst possible historical reenactment theme park, this week was all about "When the past meets the present!" The karmic coffee table of death. Kim Kardashian's knockers crammed into some stoner's early-80s Metallica shirt. And Trump's affection for the nuances of post-Weimar Germany. Sorry, we don't have a mammoth turkey leg vendor to accompany the experience.
This obviously needs to be made into the movie "Death Table: The Table That Kills People."
"We've all heard the cliched lines about karma -- but cliches come from somewhere, right?"
Tulsa, Oklahoma firebombed the richest black neighborhood in America, and then covered up over 200 deaths.
"White pilots from the nearby airport took off and firebombed black neighborhoods, giving Tulsa the proud distinction of being the only city in the lower 48 states other than New York City to have experienced an aerial attack."
Only 21 percent of supplements actually contain the product on the label. So, what do these other mystery pills contain? Hope you don't have allergies...
"Your liver is very good at eliminating toxins, and anything you take will be gone from your body in a few days. The companies know this, so some of them even formulate their products to make you poop out plastic and turn your sweat brown, just to make it seem like the 'toxins are coming out.'"
If DiCaprio's character from "Django Unchained" would think you were nuts - you were all the way nuts.
"It was basically like walking from the set of Gone With the Wind into a particularly gruesome episode of Hannibal. They found seven slaves suspended from the ceiling by the spiky collars around their necks, apparently preserved solely for the sake of horrifyingly inventive torture."
Before you start screaming in the comments or have an ice cream bar: we're not saying the world isn't fatter and more diabetic than it's ever been. We are saying that things are a lot more complex than "People are getting fat, so we need to get them thinner, period."
"Society has made us so scared of being overweight that smokers are afraid to quit because of this. A third of smokers say that the reason they don't quit is that they're afraid they'll get fat."
Tell you what. Keep taking pictures of your damn dinner and remain alive. Thanks!
"The news is kind of like a creepy cult leader who makes a convincing case that the world is going to end next month, until you realize he's been saying the same thing for 40 years."
They're probably worth even more if dotted with authentic roach burns.
"It turns out that some people just graduated from collecting the usual stuff to collecting things no one really should be."
And every expensive thing they casually knock off the coffee table is payback.
"It's amazing how the smallest innovation can have an impact on a global scale. And when it comes to moth wings and hurricanes, these wings turned out to be the strongest."
"The propaganda poster is a lost art-form, having given way to manipulative political TV ads and the mind control chemicals they put in our drinking water."
Trump's immigration plan: Jews need to be expelled from the country because they're a drain on resources that should be going toward making life better for natural German citizens. Wait, sorry, substitute "immigrants" for "Jews" and "U.S." for "German."
"While you've been chuckling it up about Donald Trump's crazy hair and stupid facial expressions, have you taken a few minutes to read his nightmare scenario of an immigration policy? It's right there on his website for the world to see, and it is nothing short of terrifying."
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