10 Cracked Posts Everyone Went Nuts Over Last Week - 9/20
Boy howdy, it was a week of grim popularity: avian horror shows, classical dance cripples, miserable whales, refugees. But at least we wrapped it all up with delightfully imprisoned Circle Cats!
Cats really do make everything better. Well, until you die and they eat your face off.
If you're brave and tough enough to look inside its beak, you'll see what few have ever witnessed: The Golden Eagle's Gold Grill.
"The golden eagle is the national bird of five countries and has been featured on the coat of arms of nearly a dozen others. Also, it is a shithead."
Related: The 6 Most Disturbingly Evil Birds
We're the first era of humanity that has had to deal with death and the Internet, and grief for the passing of someone you only knew online.
"It's considered perfectly normal to have serious online friends these days, but we haven't reached the point where they're considered as 'real' as a friend you hang out with in flesh and blood, and that makes dealing with their death a social minefield. A good online friend feels just as real to us as a good offline one, but the parents who raised them and the friends who grew up, worked, and partied with them might disagree."
Sure, you could call it "one little fight." But it depends on who's telling the story...
"Last I heard, his mother was feeding him baby food because he couldn't operate utensils or chew anything denser than oatmeal. The cops said he might regain the use of his legs someday, but his brain ... well, once you lose that, it's never coming back."
"Despite what Fox News tells its viewers, we are not responsible for 114 percent of abortions. In fact, less than 7% of the services my office provides are abortion-related. Nationwide, abortion services are only about 3% of what Planned Parenthood does."
"We also have spurned lovers who'll call in, trying to get their exes' test results. We have people blaming their STD test results on us. Guys have seriously told me on the phone that they are trying to sneak their girlfriend a Plan B and they want advice."
Ballet can mush your body like a trip through the NFL, and your feet could very well wind up looking like Kathy Bates took a couple swings at them, Misery-style.
"One of the guys I performed with who went [to the Vaganova Ballet Academy] had his legs hanging over a tall chair, with weights placed on his knees and his feet on another chair pushing them down. This way his legs would not bow out and would instead hyperextend."
If you don't clap, a college-aged person will get eaten by a narwhal.
If you're looking for a great way to lose money, take part in a pyramid scheme! You'll be able to "work from home," and you'll obtain products that nobody wants.
"Currently, MLMs make $30 billion a year. To put that into perspective, $30 billion is higher than the GDPs of half the countries in the world, and would keep you in beer and classic Star Wars toys for the next million lifetimes. And yet none of the actual sellers seem to make any money."
If you have a pretty solid chicken-themed supervillain identity worked out - The Foul Fowl, or perhaps The Bawk-Ba-Gawk - you're in luck! There's a great, big abandoned lair in the Indonesian jungle, just waiting for your special, evil touch.
"Gereja Ayam is an unconsecrated building that was constructed by a local eccentric after receiving a divine message from whatever deity happened to be into giant artificial poultry at the time."
We sent a writer and a photographer out to the Serbia-Hungary border to speak with a few dozen of the 3 million Syrians who have fled their homeland so far. What's clear is that many do not square with the Western conception of a refugee - they have money, higher education, and are healthy. They're just doing what you would if a total and absolute lethal shitstorm enveloped your life: running.
"One man I spoke with, Hafez, actually served before he fled. And he fled not because he feared for his life but because he was tired of taking other people's lives."
How will this save you money? Your circle-trapped cat won't be running around breaking your shit!