6 Animals That Get High More Than Humanity's Biggest Stoners

But dogs are taking those cane toads and making cane-toad-ade. It turns out that the chemical cane toads excrete through their skin is a mild hallucinogenic in small quantities, which animals can experience by licking them. Since dogs are uniquely prone to licking everything they see, it's a foregone conclusion that they would eventually figure out that toads get them high.

The drugged dogs run in circles, their pupils dilate, they stare into space, and generally act tripped-out. And, like any human drug, overindulgence can lead to health problems. That's why Australia has rehab programs to get your dog off their debilitating toad addiction.

Antifreeze is straight-up poison to most animals, but it's a less straight-up poison to the marmots at Sequoia and Yosemite National Parks in California, who have taken to lurking in gangs of four or five underneath cars in parking lots, then chewing through brake lines, radiator hoses, and whatever else needs compromising in order to get at the antifreeze. Up to 40 cars are damaged this way every year.

It's become such a problem that people have taken to fortifying their cars with tarps and chicken wire to discourage the junkie vandals. People have even been known to leave bowls of antifreeze nearby as a more easily accessible option, like some sort of wildlife methadone program.

Marmots have even been known to accidentally hitch a ride and end up being taken out of their specific habitat, outside of which they can't survive. And there's nothing sadder than a homeless Marmot in a strange town, sitting at the corner of the off-ramp, his tiny paws resting on a sign reading "Y lie? Need money 4 antifreeze."

This probably isn't pleasant for the pufferfish, but the dolphins don't kill it -- instead, they pass it around like a joint, sucking on the unfortunate critter just long enough to feel its effects before giving it over to the next aquatic stoner. When all the dolphins are blitzed out of their minds, they simply let the fish go free while they float about in the ocean, much like you float about on that beanbag in the basement. We're all, like, one species, man.

It turns out that squirrels have an alcohol problem. Like, collectively, as a species. They've been known to seek out fruit that has been rotting in the sun, probably lured by the pungent aroma, but it doesn't take much fermented fruit juice to give a squirrel a head rush. As a result, there are several videos on YouTube of drunk squirrels trying to navigate a world that is suddenly spinning around them.

This is especially prevalent after Halloween, when some households take a little too long to deal with all the carved pumpkins lying around, which makes somewhere around Nov. 17 the squirrel equivalent of St. Patrick's Day.

In July 2015, staff of an English private club came to work to find the place ransacked and the floor drenched in a lake of beer. Initially assuming they had been robbed, they eventually discovered the culprit still inside the building -- an extremely intoxicated squirrel who had managed to turn on the beer taps and proceeded to party like a squirrel in a beer lake.

At some point, somebody in Russia needed to dispose of a whole bunch of barrels of aviation fuel, and they decided that the virtually inaccessible Kronotsky Nature Reserve was their best option. Years later, scientists discovered a curious side effect -- local brown bears had learned to open the barrels and were getting high as balls on the fumes.

The bears of the region have become accustomed to huffing fumes from the barrels until they get higher than Sputnik, finishing their binge by digging a ditch in the snow and passing out. And they've become so addicted that, according to witnesses, they will gather to ambush landing helicopters and other aircraft, lured by the gasoline like the most hilarious Mad Max sequel possible.

Wildlife photographer Igor Shpilenok documented the perpetually stoned bears for seven months, watching as they not only congregated to get high on fuel barrels but obsessively sniffed the ground under landing helicopters for the lingering scent of dripping fuel, like a desperate alcoholic slurping whiskey residue out of an ashtray.

Naturally, this is Russia, so we're not exactly surprised that animals are finding a way to get as drunk as their human compatriots. In fact, in Ukraine, there are even programs designed to detox alcoholic bears. And now, if you'll excuse us, we have to buy a plane ticket and fulfill a lifelong dream of getting hammered with a bear.

Javier can be reached at javieryepescracked@gmail.com. Laura H's patronus is a raccoon wielding a machine gun. Follow her on Twitter.

Interested in more ways animals party? Like how they're actually pretty bad singers or how elephants are angry drunks. Learn more in 5 Eerily Familiar Things Animals Do When They're Drunk and 7 Species That Get High More Than We Do.

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