Cracked Writers
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Nothing is as it seems. Except for pandas. They're big, dopey cosmic pranks, inside and out.
Viggo swats knives out of the air with his sword even today, just walking down the street.
"While filming the scene in The Two Towers where an unconscious Aragorn is floating down the river, Viggo got caught in an undertow and nearly drowned due to the weight of his armor, barely escaping with his life."
If you're on Facebook to shame people, make sure it's for the right reasons (and non-cruel to kids, obviously).
"As long as we agree that the victim had it coming, then we're pretty much fine being the letter jacket buddies of the popular kid, doling out the metaphorical wedgies."
You know those novelty items sold at gift stores for people who have clearly given up on life, such as dick-shaped ice cube trays and boob vases? Turns out that they're not exactly a modern invention.
"At least one fine arts columnist has gone on record saying that the Peruvians clearly 'revered sex as a powerful and holy life-giving force with spiritual connections.' All of that may certainly be true, but they also made teapots with giant dicks on them."
Taiwanese Marine Corps trainees can graduate only after they've passed the heroically named "Road To Heaven." This basically involves doing a 20 minute performance of The Worm. Shirtless. Over a path of razor-sharp rocks.
"It isn't all doom and gloom on the Road To Heaven, though. The trainees' families, wives, and children are all invited to come watch their squealing loved one scream bloody curses of forever hatred."
"If you want beef, then bring the ruckus." - Marilyn Monroe
"There is zero evidence she ever said that. And if she had, it probably wasn't to insinuate that acting like an asshole was completely OK and being nice was an honor you needed to earn from her."
For Depp to play Hunter S. Thompson, that meant buying the ticket and taking the ride: going to bed at 5pm, sleeping next to kegs of gunpowder, and traipsing around in clothes that hadn't been washed in 30 years.
"Depp took to living in Thompson's basement, digging through his manuscripts, interrogating him about his life, and recording those conversations, presumably for personal reference and a sense that the recordings would later be subpoenaed as evidence."
Pandas are poorly-designed, shitty animals and the big cats love their horse meat - just a couple of the things we learned talking to a zookeeper.
"Whenever a zoo gets a new panda bear, everybody goes nuts about it, including zookeepers. However, this honeymoon period lasts about a year, until the zookeepers realize just how infuriatingly useless pandas are."
It was only after WWII that the whole "pink=girls, blue=boys" thing took off. Before then it was up in the air--some people argued pink was the more manly color.
"In those days, it was common to throw every kid in a dress, because who cares?"
Unless you're looking for a successful wizard, that is.
Movies or public service announcements about domestic violence highlight bruises, broken bones, and black eyes -- maybe covered with makeup or flimsy excuses, to drive home how shameful victims find the experience. But none of that is what the victims find most devastating.
"Sometimes the abuse is manipulation, like how Shannon's ex repeatedly told her he was going to kill himself."
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