5

Hitmen Are Usually Regular Schlubs

20th Century Fox

If the criminal underworld was a high school, hitmen would be the star quarterback. Brilliant, precise, lethal, and always well-dressed, hitmen reign supreme. Just look at Leon, Agent 47, Jules and Vincent, or even Mr. and Mrs. Smith -- all of them are masters of their craft and look cool doing it.

Eon/Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer/Columbia Pictures
This lesser-known British one is kinda neat too, we guess.

Of course, the reason movies make them look so awesome is to make up for the fact that the reality is so utterly boring. A U.K. study of hitmen showed that the stereotype of the suit-wearing, surgical, master assassin is far from the truth. Most hitmen are average Joes (apart from killing people for money) with fewer assassin skills than the average Blood Money player.

Movies portray contract killers as jet-setting off to exotic locales to ply their trade, but in truth, hitmen are usually first-time, local individuals who are so hard up for money they can't even leave the area after the kill. Incidentally, they also get caught a lot. Instead of killing for political motives or as a part of a vast conspiracy, most of their contracts are for dull stuff like life insurance payouts and bad business deals. And since most hitmen are rookies who are hired opportunistically, their wet work tends to be correspondingly shoddy, like the Jamaican killer who accepted a contract but didn't go through with it because he decided the victim was rather nice.

4

Bank Robberies Have Extremely Low Payouts

Summit Entertainment

If you really want to make it in crime, everybody knows, the bank is where the big bucks are. Literally. The banks are practically asking for it -- lots of cash, minimal security, and tellers that are trained to just give the cash without hesitation instead of getting shot or beaten with a baseball bat, as is wont to happen at a liquor store. And, in the end, you've got enough cash that you can retire to a Tuscan villa with your new wife Camilla, with whom you will run a winery.

But before you go pulling nylons over your head, you should probably check the Department Of Justice statistics. You see, while it's cool to watch The Joker, De Niro, or Affleck take banks for hundreds of thousands of dollars stuffed into duffel bags, the reality is that you're likely to walk away with only enough money to buy a decent Camry and a nice steak dinner -- if you're lucky. In 2010, bank robberies netted an average of $7,500, which is hardly "take a dump on your boss' desk" money. Oh, and there's a roughly 25 percent chance your ass will get caught.

Warner Bros.
Then you get $0.

3

Smuggling Goes Way Beyond Guns And Drugs

FX Productions

2

You're Picturing Immigrant Crime All Wrong

Universal Studios

America is like an exclusive nightclub, and other countries are the creepy guys sneaking in without paying, starting fights, and trying to get fresh with our girlfriends (and jobs). And by other countries, we mean mostly Mexico. As our leading comb-over-in-chief candidate has been all too happy to remind us, Mexico's chief U.S. export is apparently killers and rapists -- but, then again, with all the Game Of Thrones-esque shenanigans the cartels are pulling just south of the border, is it really that surprising that illegal immigrants bring crime with them?

Yes, yes it is, because first-generation immigrants (including illegal ones) are actually 45 percent less likely to commit a crime than our own home-grown hooligans. Border cities with higher rates of illegal immigration have lower crime rates than the national average, a trend that extends back well before we started beefing up border security. In fact, the more immigrants come to crash on Uncle Sam's couch, the more crime seems to drop.

economist.com
"Fuck you guys, I'm going to deport Grimace now."

This applies to all nationalities, but "especially for Mexicans, Salvadorans, and Guatemalans." Of course, this isn't to say there aren't dangerous foreign gangs operating in America; they're just not coming from where you probably assumed. These days, organized crime is a much more diverse industry, with gangs coming from Russia, West Africa, and Armenia. And just like the transition from hereditary monarchy to democracy, gangs have realized that dividing things along blood lines is silly as hell. The new gangs actually operate very similarly to GTA Online, where the Russians might hook up with Somalians to do a job, split the loot, and then go do their own thing until the next heist comes around.

Rockstar Games
Pictured: "Their own thing," probably.

1

Sex Trafficking Also Happens In The U.S.

EuropaCorp

Human trafficking is one of the most awful and horrific crimes imaginable. People, particularly young women and girls, are kidnapped from underdeveloped countries and sold into various forms of unthinkable slavery. Why can't those places get their shit together? Like this hellhole of human misery, for instance:

dk_photos/iStock/Getty Images

Yeah, we didn't get Georgia the state and Georgia the country mixed up -- Atlanta is a popular city for sex trafficking because they have the busiest airport in the world, and it's kinda hard to keep track of things like where everyone's luggage ended up or who's having sex with children and then flying away. America's reputation as the land of opportunity is exactly what makes it one of the top locations for that type of enterprise. Someone who has grown up in horrifying poverty is very easily tempted by the promise of a crappy minimum-wage job in the glamorous West, only to find out the job is to be a modern-day slave.

And many trafficking victims come from within the U.S. itself. The FBI estimates that about 100,000 young women and girls are trafficked through the U.S. and only about half come from other countries. The rest are kidnapped right in our backyard. Immigrants who are poor, uneducated, and terrified of being deported are more likely to trust any asshole that promises a good job, just because he speaks her language.

EuropaCorp
Taken Cuatro: Se Habla Espanol

But American citizens can also end up forced into prostitution -- The National Center For Missing & Exploited Children estimates that about one in six abducted children end up in sex trafficking. So before Liam Neeson sets to cleaning up Paris, maybe he ought to spend a few weeks going all Taken in the Peach State.

When he's not being pulled in for one last job, Chris writes for his website and tweets.

Also check out The 6 Stupidest Things Done By Criminals In Front Of Cops and The 6 Most Needlessly Overcomplicated Crimes Ever Planned.

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