The premise of The Masters Of The Universe Role Playing Game is that Skeletor has stolen gems from Eternia's royal family and it's up to He-Man and his allies to retrieve them. At long last, you can experience what it feels like to be Fisto as he reaches for the family jewels while going up and down Skeletor's massive snake.
If he wins, he's rewarded with a new name that doesn't incite juvenile jokes.
The gameplay consists of going through various rooms and rolling dice to battle monsters, but you quickly find out that the real monsters here are the people who made this game. For instance, remember Orko, He-Man's floating magical pal? For the first time ever, this game actually gives you a reason to want to play as him -- check out all the cool magic spells he can do!
The IQ of 36 actually seems a bit high.
So let's say you run into a giant spider and decide to stop it with Orko's Control Being spell. Except ... you can't seem to find that spell in the rule book. The same goes for nearly everything else that might make the little bastard usable. What you find instead is, essentially, a physical version of a 404 error:
"Sorry about selling you a broken game. Join our mailing list!"
The game promised to sell you the missing spell rules in The Masters Of The Universe ADVANCED Role Playing Game, available in the fall of 1986. It looks like they were going by Eternia's calendar, though, because this update has yet to come out. Oh well, maybe you can defeat that giant spider by using an item? You pick up something called Illusion Dust and check the rules to find out what it does, which is ... nothing. They forgot to give it any function. Even He-Man seems baffled at the item's uselessness:
The game's designers were too distracted snorting their own "illusion dust."
Eventually, you say, "Screw it, I'll just play as He-Man." Nobody has more strength than He-Man! Unfortunately, the Strength stat serves no purpose in the game. Same with the Agility stat. The game ended up being a complete mess that was playable only by gamers using their imagination. See, kids? In the old days the games were still broken; it's just that back then they never got patched.
Gavin's website is www.mojothreepwood.com, and his Twitter is @gavinjamieson.
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