This week's favorites ran the gamut from big mouthed charlatans to the quiet and the spooky. And then there was YOU and your illegal sexytimes...
The new Batman v Superman trailer dropped, but we don't need the movie to know who is better.
"Batman's core message is that anyone can reach for the stars if they're kicked in the ass at escape velocity. Superman is meant to represent everything humanity can strive to be, the pinnacle of selflessness, but he only reinforces the lesson 'If you weren't born to the right parents, you are shit out of luck.'"
Of course Donald Trump didn't learn a lesson. He's constructed an entire way of life for himself so that he never has to.
These are drugs that make you defecate in public, hear guitar flanger effects nonstop and develop scaly, reptilian skin. They're found in the world's filthiest, most desperate hellholes, such as the slums of Russia, the Colombian narco-underworld, and Florida.
"'Scaring kids straight' with omelettes and celebrity finger-wagging obviously isn't cutting it, so maybe it's time to terrify the living shit out of the little bastards."
Johnston Atoll is an island military base located in aquatic nowheresville, 750 miles west of Hawaii. It was basically the Area 51 of the Pacific Ocean in its day, and now it's just floating out there, abandoned.
"What happens when you get bored of your new toys? Why, you just toss them out into the middle of a field somewhere. Sure, they are worth a billion dollars and took dozens of years of intricate design and revision, but have you ever built a garage? That shit is hard."
"They could hate everyone present, they could be tired, they might not know very much about the subject you're discussing, they might not believe in small talk, or they might be worrying about other problems, like whether they buried their victims deep enough. All kinds of different people have all kinds of different ideas of when they should and shouldn't talk."
According to one oddly convincing fan theory, there has never been a single actual dinosaur in any Jurassic Park movie. So what were they? Well, brand new creatures cobbled together. The whole "dinosaurs back from extinction!" thing was just a P.T. Barnum-esque stunt to fool gullible tourists.
"This would explain why all the dinosaurs in the movie look like how we, the ignorant public, imagine dinosaurs look, as opposed to how they actually appeared in nature. For instance, in real life, a velociraptor was the size of a chimpanzee, whereas in Jurassic Park, velociraptors are large enough to play professional basketball. Also, they had feathers."
400 million years ago there were no trees. But there were Prototaxites, which towered up to 24 feet tall and made a landscape that looked more like a Super Mario Bros. level than modern Earth.
"If you're thinking of climbing into a time machine and heading back to the Carboniferous period, you should better pack a flamethrower and some cyanide pills."
Dr. Oz is no mere snake oil salesman. He knowingly participates in a show that markets itself to an undereducated audience that barely makes minimum wage. Yet he feels no moral or ethical responsibility to thoroughly fact-check the advice he preaches or the guests he helps shill worthless supplements.
"Oz loves magic and miracles, despite those not really being two words you want to hear out of a doctor's mouth if you expect to continue living."
Filthy criminals - the lot of you!
For anyone who has ever received a bullshit speeding ticket - there's Brian McCrary.
Bawitdaba, pass the green beans.
It's hard out there for millionaire purveyors of garbage pizza.