10 Cracked Posts Everyone Went Nuts Over Last Week - 7/19


This week's favorites ran the gamut from big mouthed charlatans to the quiet and the spooky. And then there was YOU and your illegal sexytimes...

7 Ways Batman Is Objectively Better Than Superman

The new Batman v Superman trailer dropped, but we don't need the movie to know who is better.

10 Cracked Posts Everyone Went Nuts Over Last Week - 7/19

"Batman's core message is that anyone can reach for the stars if they're kicked in the ass at escape velocity. Superman is meant to represent everything humanity can strive to be, the pinnacle of selflessness, but he only reinforces the lesson 'If you weren't born to the right parents, you are shit out of luck.'"

5 Drugs That Turn Your World Into A Real-Life Horror Movie

These are drugs that make you defecate in public, hear guitar flanger effects nonstop and develop scaly, reptilian skin. They're found in the world's filthiest, most desperate hellholes, such as the slums of Russia, the Colombian narco-underworld, and Florida.

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"'Scaring kids straight' with omelettes and celebrity finger-wagging obviously isn't cutting it, so maybe it's time to terrify the living shit out of the little bastards."

"What happens when you get bored of your new toys? Why, you just toss them out into the middle of a field somewhere. Sure, they are worth a billion dollars and took dozens of years of intricate design and revision, but have you ever built a garage? That shit is hard."

"They could hate everyone present, they could be tired, they might not know very much about the subject you're discussing, they might not believe in small talk, or they might be worrying about other problems, like whether they buried their victims deep enough. All kinds of different people have all kinds of different ideas of when they should and shouldn't talk."

5 Horrifying Fan Theories That Make Way Too Much Sense

According to one oddly convincing fan theory, there has never been a single actual dinosaur in any Jurassic Park movie. So what were they? Well, brand new creatures cobbled together. The whole "dinosaurs back from extinction!" thing was just a P.T. Barnum-esque stunt to fool gullible tourists.

10 Cracked Posts Everyone Went Nuts Over Last Week - 7/19

"This would explain why all the dinosaurs in the movie look like how we, the ignorant public, imagine dinosaurs look, as opposed to how they actually appeared in nature. For instance, in real life, a velociraptor was the size of a chimpanzee, whereas in Jurassic Park, velociraptors are large enough to play professional basketball. Also, they had feathers."

Dog-Sized Scorpions: 6 Ways The Earth Was A Sci-Fi Nightmare

400 million years ago there were no trees. But there were Prototaxites, which towered up to 24 feet tall and made a landscape that looked more like a Super Mario Bros. level than modern Earth.

10 Cracked Posts Everyone Went Nuts Over Last Week - 7/19

"If you're thinking of climbing into a time machine and heading back to the Carboniferous period, you should better pack a flamethrower and some cyanide pills."

5 Legitimately Insane Things Dr. Oz Actually Believes In

Dr. Oz is no mere snake oil salesman. He knowingly participates in a show that markets itself to an undereducated audience that barely makes minimum wage. Yet he feels no moral or ethical responsibility to thoroughly fact-check the advice he preaches or the guests he helps shill worthless supplements.


"Oz loves magic and miracles, despite those not really being two words you want to hear out of a doctor's mouth if you expect to continue living."

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