5 Video Games About Sex
Video games about dating are absurd mockeries of human relationships. They exist in a world in which love is based on experience points and browsing a fish market counts as foreplay. They are clearly produced by the very insane for the very lonely, and that combination has created the craziest genre in pop culture this side of Bigfoot hunting. Let's take a look at some of the strangest examples.
Date A Bunch Of Lovecraftian Monstrosities
A Japanese indie game company called Nostalgia makes interactive visual novels. As their name suggests, they try to tap into fond memories of your childhood, like that time at summer camp when those beetle monsters stuck your penis in their hypopharynx.
In 2013, Nostalgia released a game seemingly based around the question, "Come on, how weird could Japan honestly be?" It puts the player in a world in which they're the only human, while everyone else is a monster-faced horror. On the upside, they have compatible genitals. So let's get after those.
In one episode (yes this is a series), you are woken up by your friend, a cricket monster whose body says "sex," but whose face says "liquefy and devour organs."
"Excuse me, my compound eyes are up here."
At school, you meet a friend who looks like an elbow had sex with a cow skull. And in this world, there's a really good chance that's what happened.
"My dad was a cow skull, but I identify more with elbow culture."
The art team at Nostalgia isn't just lazily adding animal heads to human bodies like a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle character designer. When you meet your teacher, you realize that these monsters come from a place of unique lunacy. Your classroom is being run by an eyeless, vagina-beehive with teeth.
"The music for the rest of this game will be the sound of your own screams."
The gameplay is far overshadowed by the psychological profiling your mind automatically does while playing it. For instance, the obvious: Are the designers sleeping with insects? Or did they somehow know someone else who was, and made this game for them? Just look at this:
"There is no me. I'm out." -- God
Your soft pink flesh probably won't survive her spiked carapace and squirting acid, but you can still pursue your friend romantically. Unfortunately, saying the wrong thing is dangerous. Your sexy grasshopper girlfriend has a short temper.
Even on a cricket, we know what that look means.
The stakes are even higher with the monsters you're not trying to impregnate. Your other classmate may kill you if you give the wrong response.
ARGGH! WHY IS FUCKING A CRICKET MONSTER SO HARD!?!
We don't want to spoil the ending, but if you can stay alive through the underage sex cricket courting process, you are rewarded with the kiss to end all kisses.
Because you'll be dead. And it will be the worst death. Just the worst possible death ever.
Date, Mate, Procreate -- Then Make Them Fight
Hey, sexy singles. Would you like to play as breeding stock for a monster army? What? A terrified shriek is your only response? Well, then you're not going to like this. In Conception II: Children Of The Seven Stars, you play as Wake, a teen living on a space colony who's forced to reproduce with star abominations so that your offspring can be sent into battle. It's like Pokemon meets a Pokemon porn parody.
One of your romance options is Torri, a human-ish little girl cosplaying as Rowdy Roddy Piper.
"I have the weirdest half-chubby right now, Mean Gene!"
The following is a play-by-play of the process of entering her. The game refers to this as "classmating," probably because the Japanese word for "flailing orifice attempts" translates into English poorly.
You begin by talking to her. It's here you'll realize she's too young for sex, too fictional for a relationship, and too stupid for a conversation.
In the original, this said, "Your loneliness deserves punishment and I am the harbinger of that justice."
Agree to walk her home, and the game rewards you with Torri's inane observations about objects and what they are. It's actually pretty close to a first date, if you're dating a robot who has magically come to life. And if you're playing this game, you wish.
This said, "Your penis is inadequate."
"The sadness of this makes me understand suicide."
Humor her enough, and you'll get to "classmate" with her.
The dialogue makes it almost as cringeworthy as an actual loss of virginity. Not that you'd know,
Conception II: Children Of The Seven Stars players. We ... we're sorry for that one.
Innuendo that's less "wink wink, nudge nudge" than it is "scream scream, octopus octopus."
If you were hoping for at least some kind of erotic payout, this is what the game's sex scenes look like.
Once your glowing star coitus is complete, a Star Child is "born." And like some kind of Chinese government official, you immediately decide what it will be when it grows up.
Put on the birth certificate that she'll be a cowboy gunfighter.
Once you've given all your infant abominations jobs, it's time to battle them. So, to recap: A girl you met a few minutes ago said several stupid things, turned into lasers, sexually merged with you in space, and now her pulsing eggs have hatched and formed a small army, of which you're the commander. It's kind of hard to say whether that's the best or worst date ever.
Daddy loves you, kids. It's time to stop crying and use Quick Attack.
Magically Rape Men With The Power Of Spelling
This Japanese video game from 2006 can best be described as a rape-themed Death Note. Picking through that word salad, we can safely say that there's something in that sentence to make anyone confused and uncomfortable. And you are right to be! You play a boy named Akira, who has a living notebook that gives him the power to have sex with anyone if he writes their name in it. Unfortunately, it only works on the same gender as the first en-- You know what? It's a magic homosexual rape notebook. Let's not overanalyze it.
The game offers you six potential romantic encounters, though your partner's participation in the romance is mandatory by way of sorcery. Japan doesn't have a word for it, but it's called Cosbymancy in America.
"I'm Kouki. My dislikes include free will and Crocs."
Each boy has his own personality traits. For instance, tender and sweet Kouki has low dildo insertion skills.
See? That's bush league, Kouki. Step it up, man!
Kouki also has a nurse fetish, which seems a little pedestrian for a game about anal wishing from a country where the top Google search is probably "squid lubricant." Still, it's up to you to indulge the strange needs of your hypnosis victims in order to win the game.
"I wish I had a magic notebook that didn't make me dress like a stupid asshole," you think. "Slurp," Kouki thinks.
Then there's Seiji: He has a slightly freakier fetish, and if you get involved with him, he ties you up and yanks your foreskin through your fly.
Okay, that's adequately bizarre, Japan.
Like most dating sims, the gameplay seems based around punishing the player, almost certainly because the player deserves it. Still, this unpleasant and horrific disaster was popular enough to get a sequel. In that one, you are teleported to a miracle world in which all notebooks, including yours, become horny humans whom you can bang. Confused by that? Excellent. That only means there's still good left in you.
Fuck Some Straight-Up Meat
Seducing insects or textually molesting male nurses might seem a little weird -- perhaps criminally so -- but at the end of the day, they're at least animate beings. This free game may be overpriced, but it serves up the options of romancing food. Not smiling, singing food mascots; chunks of uncooked meat. You can pursue a chunk of beef:
"Hey, 'sup. I'm meat. Quit the chit-chat and penetrate me."
Or you can romance a wad of tuna:
"Hi, I'm fish. I feel that sex is God's gift."
The game starts off with you meeting and interacting with both Beef and Tuna, showing that Beef is the more athletic and popular option, while Tuna is more artistic and sensitive. If you go after Tuna, you are quickly given the option to confess your love to him. If you do, it's awkward for everyone, including Tuna.
*Studio audience applauds*
Tuna is friends with other chunks of fish and a human girl named Sushi Rice, and during the game, they help explain what you mean to Tuna. You see, Tuna often just doesn't have the words. Speaking of words, some of these might not make sense: Sometimes the meat chunks look like male humans. It's maybe artistic license, maybe simple insanity, but all of it is an obstacle to the player's ultimate goal of getting wet meat around your junk.
"Wait, I'm TUNA? But I have hands and ... oh, man. We're in a Japanese dating game, aren't we? I wish I was in a sandwich."
You're probably wondering what happens if you try to have sex with both Beef and Tuna, like you do at home. Well, the game is quite protective of the feelings of the meat and fish. If you try to two-time them, it sends aliens down to abduct you.
"WE HAVE WITNESSED YOUR DISREGARD FOR MEAT FEELINGS FROM THE STARS!"
Perhaps strangest of all, after The Bacon Lettuce Biographies sends aliens after you, it does not give you the option of having sex with them.
Chain The Future Poopgirl In Your Basement
One of the first dating games available online, Simgirls was posted on Newgrounds in 2002, and has been peen played well over 50 million times. Statistically, one of those people has got to be doing so from outside a mental hospital, but we hate to think that's true. So what's this apparently popular virtual sex game like? Fucked. Fucked is what it's like.
The most fucked thing about this game has nothing to do with the three characters you can romance, even though the process of winning their affection includes things like buying their underwear at a school auction ...
Tragically, you can't buy them a better artist.
... or how one of them has a problem with farting, and it's your responsibility to treat it by tickling her butthole with a feather.
Do we ... do we have to?
No, the truly fucked part of the game is when a character from the future shows up and blasts you with a DNA gun to keep you from impregnating all these fertile but flatulent girls.
It was the most mature way the developers knew to address birth control.
In a fun twist, the DNA ray only makes your poontang rampaging worse by increasing your intelligence, charm, and strength to dangerously lap-moistening levels. So the future girl decides to come back again and shoot you with a regular gun.
Future Law Code 2051: Go back in time and kill fertile men.
Future Law Code 2052: Get around to renaming all Future Laws to Regular Laws.
The visit does not go well for her. You smack her in the head and lock her in the basement.
It's telling that the game's main love story begins with a blow to the head.
The future girl loses her memory and becomes your pet. And when we say pet, we mean the game calls her that, you're required to feed her, and she shits all over herself.
Jesus, her Hygiene rating is at 15 percent? What the fuck does 10 percent look like?
Despite all that nonsense, the game seems to be genuinely trying for cute and/or romantic. Which is ironic, because nothing in the world is capable of making a person feel this sad and alone.
"Before we do this, you should know I'm keeping a shit-covered time traveler prisoner in my basement."
You might be thinking, "The creator was probably some misfit kid with bad taste in cartoons whose brain was hijacked by puberty. Cut him some slack!" Well, we have some bad news. The creator, Sim-Man, is still working on it. He returned to this game ten years after its debut to release a full version with more locations, features, and creepiness than any 20 people should confusedly masturbate to. He's currently working on a new game called Simgirls Lovemore, because Japan will not be content until you can have sex with literally everything you shouldn't.
Wait. What's that say in the creator's profile?
We set out to find the most bonkers sex games from Japan, and number one is from boring, polite old Canada? It's like they say: Love knows no bounds, and perversion knows no borders.
Adam Koski's short film might not be as creepy as some of these games, but it tries, dammit!