Well, while they may very well have made a safer cigarette, RJ Reynolds couldn't actually come out and say so without admitting that regular cigarettes were full-on fucking terrible for you, because old-fashioned cigarettes were still signing everyone's paycheck. So RJ Reynolds's marketing campaign had to dance around any iteration of the word "safe" by using vague, non-committal phrases like "cleaner smoke."
"Premier: The cigarette that kills you less!"
Furthermore, this newfangled cigarette didn't burn down and didn't require you to flick off the ash, and the milquetoast ad campaign launching Premier wasn't enough to overcome the fact that smokers are creatures of habit (which somehow came as a shock to a goddamn tobacco company). Most people who gave Premier a chance tried one cigarette, made a face like an airline pilot accidentally slamming his dick in the cockpit door, and tossed the rest of RJ Reynold's billion-dollar investment straight into the nearest garbage can.
LG Ties Free Phone Vouchers To Balloons, Causes Violent Riots As People Try To Pop Them
In 2013, LG dreamed up an ingenious promotion to launch their new flagship smartphone in South Korea. They would go to a public park in Seoul, tie vouchers redeemable for free phones to 100 helium balloons, and release them into the wind for excited consumers to hunt down and redeem. It would have been a flawless plan, had LG not failed to take into account the human mind's predilection towards violent, insane greed.
Clearly, LG missed the TRUE meaning of Up.
Word got out that free phones worth 950,000 Korean won -- about $850 American -- would be floating along for anyone to grab. So on launch day, hordes of people showed up to snatch the valuable balloons out of the sky using BB guns and knives tied to sticks. That's right -- they made balloon spears. While this is unquestionably extreme, we can't help but wonder how the hell else LG thought people were going to get those vouchers. Wait around for the balloons to slowly deflate?
Inexplicably deciding that no accidents could possibly result from a crowd of knifestick-wielding consumers fighting over a limited number of extremely valuable phones, LG decided to proceed with the event. They released the balloons, and what followed was not dissimilar from Braveheart and/or The Warriors, had those movies featured angry clowns killing each other over valuable communication technology. One local news anchor dubbed the chaos "World War G," although we'd prefer it go down in history as "The Great $850 LG Cellphone Knifestick Balloon Melee." Once the dust settled, 20 people lay injured in the grass, seven seriously enough to be rushed to the hospital.
That one spearwoman in green slew four, probably.
In a moment of clarity that can only come from being forced to pay out huge liability settlements, LG apologized and immediately canceled similar events that they had planned for several other major cities nationwide. We can only imagine their backup event plan involved shooting the phones out of a cannon.
Evan V. Symon is on the Personal Experience team at Cracked. If you've had an awesome job/experience, hit us up at firstname.lastname@example.org. Looking for a new party game to make your friends laugh? Download Cheer Up! for free.
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