If we're going to keep getting arrested for letting the kids play outside, at least throw us a bone and give us a few cool Kit-Kat flavors and tolerable special effects.
Spoonful of sugar? More like spoonful... of METH.
"In song, Mary Poppins tells us she's super thankful Bert isn't a rapist. Out of nowhere. Which leads to the question: Were we supposed to think he was a rapist?"
You find remains like this someplace so hellish that it's only good for burying people - or what you hope was a person - and for NASA to test out its Mars equipment.
"What's the most depressing thing you could find as an archaeologist? A puppy cemetery? The mummy of your own father, carbon dated to be at least 2,000 years old somehow? A literal bag of dicks? How about 12 dead babies arranged in a circle around a bunch of mummies?"
The next drink you have, raise it in a toast to the memory of August Landmesser and his wife.
Hello, Cleveland! Our journalist source found it difficult to investigate a cold-case child murder because the city is home to so many child murder suspects that the FBI can't narrow the list down to less than twenty-five.
"At some point, the guy got spooked and took his videos down, but I had the foresight to make copies, so I put them back up on a blog I devoted to Maura's cold case. He did not like that. The next video he posted was a collection of photographs of my 5-year-old son, which you may recognize as a thing a murderer would do."
Where all the theme song singers who read the script at?
"Laine didn't actually see the film until it premiered, at which point he cringed with embarrassment over how emotionally invested he had been in his performance of the theme song."
WELL Whoop-a-doo! President Jefferson taught himself Arabic using his own copy of the Quran and hosted the first White House Iftar during Ramadan.
"So, why all this Founding Father/Muslim love? Probably because Sultan Mohammed ben Abdallah of Morocco was the first world figure to recognize the independence of the United States of America from Great Britain in 1777."
CGI was once a tool to make certain scenes awesome and terrifying. Now it's a cartoonish "look at my effects, ma!" puke torrent.
"I'm not sure when, but somewhere down the line directors forgot that movies are still supposed to take place in real life, and they turned the camera into a coke-fueled Lakitu from Super Mario 64, just zooming around wherever the fuck it feels like."
It's getting to be where if you let your kids play around in the yard, you might as well have dumped them off at the bus station with a six-pack, some fireworks and a bag of broken glass.
"Say you're currently an adult and grew up in a place where it didn't snow 11 months out of the year and/or the roads weren't made of lava. Chances are that you walked places unaccompanied for much of that childhood...[But today] kids walking places alone is considered so dangerous that in many places it's punishable by arrest."
We never knew we wanted cantaloupe Kit-Kats, but now they're all we can think about. Are they terrible, or delicious? We cannot rest until we know the answer to this mystery.
Hey, Vitamin Water, wrapping a wound in cheese IS actually effective first aid. Watch more foot-in-mouth, camera-in-view claims, right here, right now!