If we're going to keep getting arrested for letting the kids play outside, at least throw us a bone and give us a few cool Kit-Kat flavors and tolerable special effects.

"What's the most depressing thing you could find as an archaeologist? A puppy cemetery? The mummy of your own father, carbon dated to be at least 2,000 years old somehow? A literal bag of dicks? How about 12 dead babies arranged in a circle around a bunch of mummies?"

I Hunt Serial Killers: 6 Facts You Thought Movies Made Up

Hello, Cleveland! Our journalist source found it difficult to investigate a cold-case child murder because the city is home to so many child murder suspects that the FBI can't narrow the list down to less than twenty-five.

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"At some point, the guy got spooked and took his videos down, but I had the foresight to make copies, so I put them back up on a blog I devoted to Maura's cold case. He did not like that. The next video he posted was a collection of photographs of my 5-year-old son, which you may recognize as a thing a murderer would do."

5 Ridiculous Things You Probably Believe About Islam

WELL Whoop-a-doo! President Jefferson taught himself Arabic using his own copy of the Quran and hosted the first White House Iftar during Ramadan.

The 10 Cracked Posts Everyone Was Talking About 5/17 Edition

"So, why all this Founding Father/Muslim love? Probably because Sultan Mohammed ben Abdallah of Morocco was the first world figure to recognize the independence of the United States of America from Great Britain in 1777."

"I'm not sure when, but somewhere down the line directors forgot that movies are still supposed to take place in real life, and they turned the camera into a coke-fueled Lakitu from Super Mario 64, just zooming around wherever the fuck it feels like."

5 Things Your Parents Did (They'd Be Arrested For Today)

It's getting to be where if you let your kids play around in the yard, you might as well have dumped them off at the bus station with a six-pack, some fireworks and a bag of broken glass.

The 10 Cracked Posts Everyone Was Talking About 5/17 Edition

"Say you're currently an adult and grew up in a place where it didn't snow 11 months out of the year and/or the roads weren't made of lava. Chances are that you walked places unaccompanied for much of that childhood... kids walking places alone is considered so dangerous that in many places it's punishable by arrest."

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