90 percent are throughwn at the rephree during foot-o'ball mmaattcchheess.
So in an attempt to stop people from throwing away perfectly good (albeit gross-looking) food, the FDA has approved a line of genetically-modified apples and potatoes that retain a clear complexion much longer than their natural brethren. Arctic apples and Innate potatoes (free indie band names, by the by) have been deemed safe for consumption by the FDA and a non-threat to other plants by the Department of Agriculture. Spliced into existence by Okanagan Specialty Fruits, the apple's non-browning properties will hopefully increase its appeal, even though Americans are unlikely to notice the difference after caramel is applied.
"Ugh ... fruit? Gross."
Meanwhile, the Innate potatoes are not only bruise-resistant (so farmers can be as reckless as they want) but also modified to produce fewer carcinogenic chemicals when fried -- presumably so that future consumers can die of Pringles-induced structural collapse before cancer swoops in to steal the deal like a giant glory-hog.
Of course, GMO conspiracists will always find reason to get their low-carbon-footprint, hemp-wool panties in a bunch, and the concern now is that the names "Arctic" and "Innate" do not properly convey that the foods have been modified. However, at this point, it might be easier to demarcate foodstuffs that haven't been radically engineered to suit humanity. Next step: bananas that aren't shaped like dicks, for the sexually insecure male.
Infrared Camera Microwaves
Nothing sours the microwaved burrito experience faster than biting into half-thawed, soggy corners or scalding, white phosphorus centers. And so, in spite of mankind's many technical achievements, rolled tortilla entrees still perplex our greatest minds.
Until now. Allow us to introduce what will surely be seen as one of the greatest inventions of the century: the magical X-ray microwave.
When the food is finished, instead of dinging, this happens.
Fret not, the term "X-ray" refers to the LCD screen embedded within the device and not actual radiation, so no, it won't give you cancer (but it won't give you any superpowers either). The microwave is equipped with a simple infrared camera that produces a heat map of your food so you can tell when it's done, and also so you have something to watch while reflecting on whatever past mistakes have reduced you to eating microwaved burritos.
But that's not even the most convenient part: The microwave is also Bluetooth-compatible, so you can monitor your egg rolls from the couch and adjust cooking times according to how depressed you are. The screen also does other things screens usually do, like displaying recipes or playing videos to momentarily distract you from the fact that your evening companion is a Celeste pizza for one. Holy shit, it even looks like a warm, delicious HAL:
"My sensors indicate you've been crying. Hot Pockets and porn again, Dave?"
The "Better Microwave" was designed by Mark Rober, a former NASA engineer who felt compelled to extend his duty to humanity. Sadly, the microwave is only a prototype right now, but Rober has established a webpage to gauge interest and raise funds, since Kickstarter is too mainstream for some people. The good news is that there's a decent chance we'll see this in stores sooner rather than later, since the required LCD screens and infrared cameras are already commercially available for hobbyists and burgeoning night-prowlers alike. The bad news is that we're all definitely dying alone now.
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Also check out 7 Gross Foods Your Grandparents Ate (That We Taste Tested) and 9 Horrifying Foods You Won't Believe People Actually Eat.