4

Allergy-Free Peanuts Are A Reality

North Carolina Agricultural and Technical State University

Modern society has a huge hard-on for peanuts. People use the highly nutritious treats to prevent birth defects, shave, and even for eating. This, of course, is a bit of an inconvenience for the 2.8 million Americans who are allergic to the unassuming legume. If you're not one of the chosen people, then imagine how much fun it would be to know that you're always one careless waiter away from going from 1990 Val Kilmer to 2010 Val Kilmer in mere seconds ... or, you know, dying. You can die from eating a tiny thing everyone loves. Thanks a lot, evolution.

mario loiselle/E+/Getty Images

But what could we possibly do to fix this? Create hypoallergenic peanuts, somehow? Well, yeah. It's fucking 2015. We can do anything (except invent hover cars).

Scientists at North Carolina A&T University are playing culinary wingman for everyone who's ever been bullied by that monocle-wearing asshole. See, the allergic reaction that reduces your body to hives and snot is triggered by a variety of peanut-centric proteins. This is actually a blessing in disguise, since shutting down proteins is a relatively easy procedure: The researchers simply soaked peanuts in an enzyme that smashes through proteins' cell walls and wrecks shit like a tiny Juggernaut. This reduced the allergic quality of peanuts by freaking 98-100 percent, with no other side effects. Frankly, it's kind of embarrassing that no one gave enough of a shit to try this until now.

North Carolina Agricultural and Technical State University

3

We Can Now Prevent Food Poisoning (With Viruses)

PBS

Getting food poisoning is a pain in the ass -- literally, depending on how flagrantly the food Gumball-3000s through your rectum. It can also be a pain in other, even more essential parts of your body if you end up in the hospital from eating that piece of crab rangoon you didn't realize had gone bad (it was only under your sofa for, like, two weeks). Well, science has finally said "no more" and invented a new way to disinfect food ... by filling it with viruses.

Don't worry, scientists would never willingly add harmful agents in your beef for the sake of scientific query (that became illegal in the '70s). Instead, these viruses, or bacteriophages, infect only bacterial pathogens and are perfectly safe for human consumption. They also look like tiny alien spaceships, which is pretty cool and not ominous at all.

foodsafetynews.com

Bacteriophages dock onto malevolent cells, puncture the enemy hull with needle-like appendages, and discharge their genetic material quicker than a premature ejaculator halfway to first base. The foreign DNA tricks bacterial cells into producing more bacteriophages, which multiply indefinitely until their host bursts. The whole process looks exactly like a microscopic recreation of the last act of Star Wars.

ag.purdue.edu

2

Non-Browning Apples, Courtesy Of Genetic Fuckery

Okanagan Specialty Fruits Inc.

When you look at an apple slice and notice that it's starting to brown, the hungry caveman inside of you (correctly) says, "There's nothing wrong with it; eat with confidence. Also, the Sun is God's giant ineffable birthday candle burning for all eternity." Compare that to contemporary you, who whines, "Ewwww." Apparently, the second voice wins a lot more often, because food wastage is getting to be a real problem. The same thing happens with potatoes, which bruise about as often as skateboarders and end up in the garbage because of such concern for aesthetics. The UK alone throws away 190,000 metric tons of still-edible apples and 390,000 of potatoes (or "poatatouahes" as they spell it across the pond).

J. R. Simplot Company

1

Infrared Camera Microwaves

Mark Rober

Nothing sours the microwaved burrito experience faster than biting into half-thawed, soggy corners or scalding, white phosphorus centers. And so, in spite of mankind's many technical achievements, rolled tortilla entrees still perplex our greatest minds.

Until now. Allow us to introduce what will surely be seen as one of the greatest inventions of the century: the magical X-ray microwave.

Mark Rober

Fret not, the term "X-ray" refers to the LCD screen embedded within the device and not actual radiation, so no, it won't give you cancer (but it won't give you any superpowers either). The microwave is equipped with a simple infrared camera that produces a heat map of your food so you can tell when it's done, and also so you have something to watch while reflecting on whatever past mistakes have reduced you to eating microwaved burritos.

But that's not even the most convenient part: The microwave is also Bluetooth-compatible, so you can monitor your egg rolls from the couch and adjust cooking times according to how depressed you are. The screen also does other things screens usually do, like displaying recipes or playing videos to momentarily distract you from the fact that your evening companion is a Celeste pizza for one. Holy shit, it even looks like a warm, delicious HAL:

Mark Rober

The "Better Microwave" was designed by Mark Rober, a former NASA engineer who felt compelled to extend his duty to humanity. Sadly, the microwave is only a prototype right now, but Rober has established a webpage to gauge interest and raise funds, since Kickstarter is too mainstream for some people. The good news is that there's a decent chance we'll see this in stores sooner rather than later, since the required LCD screens and infrared cameras are already commercially available for hobbyists and burgeoning night-prowlers alike. The bad news is that we're all definitely dying alone now.

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Also check out 7 Gross Foods Your Grandparents Ate (That We Taste Tested) and 9 Horrifying Foods You Won't Believe People Actually Eat.