Even if you're an atheist of Dawkinsian proportions, there's a good chance that at some point in your life, you've encountered a set of circumstances that made your eyebrows do that weird scrunchy thing that they do. You know, a story so full of irony and/or karmic justice that not only does it suggest the existence of some higher power pulling our strings for its own tepid amusement, but that said higher power's sense of humor is completely fucked up.
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"He died while arguing online over the meaning of 'ironic.' How ... cosmically apropos."
And if you haven't ... well, then have we got a story for you. Five of them, actually.
Hundreds Contract Food Poisoning at the Food Safety Summit
Food safety is a big deal. Why? Well, because at some point along the timeline of human evolution, we became giant pussies. Long gone are the days when we were happy gnawing on month-old meat and washing it down with water from the shit lagoon. Somewhere along the way, we also invented things like reading and the arts, which quickly supplanted our former most popular pastime (explosive diarrhea).
"We only live to 23; we don't have time to be picky."
"And you don't see the correlation here?"
So yeah, food safety is a big deal. Such a big deal, in fact, that all the food industry bigwigs gather for an annual summit to discuss innovative and effective ways of storing, preparing, and serving food safely. We're guessing they have an awards ceremony where they hand out trophies shaped like the Ghostbusters logo, except with a salmonella bacterium in place of the ghost.
At the 2014 Food Safety Summit in Baltimore, Maryland, nearly 1,300 food safety professionals from organizations such as the Food and Drug Administration, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, and McDonald's (we're assuming that guy snuck in the back) gathered to discuss how to feed people without also painfully incapacitating them (again, we're looking at you, McDonald's guy). On the second day of the convention, the attendees tucked their napkins into their collars, slathered themselves with copious amounts of hand sanitizer, and proceeded to dig into a delicious buffet lunch without so much as a second thought as to the un-rottenness of the food. We'd think having "food safety expert" on your business card would make you leery of any food simmering over a sterno, but hey, what do we know?
Maybe low heat kills all germs. We're not the chef of surgery.