5

A Defense Attorney Naps Through His Client's Death Penalty Case

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Back in 1983, Texan Calvin Burdine was convicted of murder and sentenced to death following a short, no-nonsense trial. After a full 10 years on death row, Burdine testified to an appellate court that his lawyer, Joe Cannon, had not only stolen his moniker from a '30s noir gumshoe but had also spent much of Burdine's six-day trial catching 40 winks.

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"The court will recess for 20 minutes, during which time I advise the defense to go wash the drool stains out of his tie."

During the hearing, three jurors and even the court clerk from the original trial testified that, yeah, the guy pretty much had cartoon Zs floating above his head throughout the entire thing, presumably situating his briefcase just right to strategically hide his embarrassing sleep-boners.

According to Cannon, however, closing his eyes and tilting his head back was how he looked when he was concentrating, which you may recognize as the exact same excuse you gave the principal after sleeping off a bender in high school history class. The appeals court wasn't buying it, calling the portion of the trial that the attorney had missed "not insubstantial," which, in case you're not a lawyer yourself, means "substantial."

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"Your honor, I need a moment to confer with my client, which ... is who, exactly?"

4

An Attorney Insists the Defendant Tried to Run Her Over

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Buffalo, New York, Assistant District Attorney Kristi Ahlstrom was waiting to cross the street after a long day of trying to put away alleged bad guys (that day, she was doing jury selection in a rape case). There, she saw a menacing black sedan idling at a green light. Now, a driver failing to go at a green light generally only means one of three things: 1) they've fallen asleep, 2) they're finishing up a text, or 3) they're lying in wait, about to vehicularly murder themselves an assistant district attorney.

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"BRB Nana. Revenging LOL!"

Unfortunately for Ahlstrom, this was a case of No. 3. Just as she stepped off the curb, the driver gunned it straight toward her, only missing her by a fraction of an inch thanks to her badass Matrix backflip and perfect three-point landing onto the sidewalk. That, or the car came within a foot or two and splashed her with some dirty water as it sped through a puddle. Our version is better.

Anyway, as the car sped away, Ahlstrom recognized the driver as none other than the disturbingly appropriately named William Payne -- the very defendant in the very rape case for which she had just spent that very day in jury selections.

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The "KILL DA" novelty plates may have been a tip-off as well.

3

A Lawyer Asks a Witness if He Wants a Piece of This, Because I'll Fucking Give You a Piece of This

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Somewhere north of The Wall (in Canada), Shawn Anthony Vassel was on trial for attempted murder, having allegedly popped off a few rounds in the general direction of two other men. One of those targets, an ex-biker by the name of Todd Kealy, had made it abundantly clear through his testimony that, while someone had in fact shot at him, he would not be pointing any fingers in the case because he was not "a rat." Now, that simply wouldn't do for Vassel's defense attorney, Reid Rusonik -- who was somehow completely oblivious to the fact that not incriminating his client was in fact precisely the best possible thing Kealy could do for his case -- so he decided to cross-examine the witness. With his fists.

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"Allow me to introduce you to my associates, Objection and Force Majeure."

2

A Defense Attorney Is Really, Really New at This (Like, So New, You Guys)

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Everyone loves a good underdog story. From Rocky to The Karate Kid, there's just something about the story of a clueless amateur rising up from the cesspool of complete inexperience to succeed against seemingly insurmountable odds (by way of beating the ever-loving crap out of some asshole) that really tugs at our heartstrings.

1

Marijuana Entered as Evidence (Apparently) Goes Up in Smoke

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Greg Hinz was on trial for the kind of thing that courts across the country must view as mundane, crank 'em in, crank 'em out, everyday bullshit: possession of marijuana, driving while under the influence of said possessed marijuana, and failing to possess a driver's license while doing said driving while under the influence of twice-said possessed marijuana. The evidence was downright damning: a half-smoked joint and some rolling papers (in such a straightforward case, it doesn't take a whole lot of evidence to stack up to "damning").

The trial was going swimmingly -- Deputy Prosecutor Michael Held had just presented his case and entered the aforementioned doobie into evidence -- right up until Judge W. Laurence Wilson called for a lunch recess, because certain aspects of court proceedings are apparently just like elementary school. After the bell rang to return to class and courthouse aides helped a crying DA off the top of the monkey bars, everyone filed back into the courtroom to find that the marijuana and rolling papers -- which had been left in plain sight on a counter in the altogether unlocked courtroom -- were shockingly missing.

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Scooby and the gang can probably stay home for this mystery.

Hinz and three of his friends (who were there for moral support, we guess?) were spotted going into the courtroom during the break, so of course search warrants were immediately obtained to give them a good once-over. Maybe even a twice-over. However, it was all for naught -- the pot had, quite simply, disappeared. The judge declared a mistrial for the drug charges, and the two-day trial (which likely resulted in thousands of dollars in court costs) ended with Hinz being charged with driving without a license.

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The defendant constantly giggling and quoting Half Baked probably didn't help matters.

"How could this infinitely still-smokable evidence possibly have vanished so completely?!" court officials presumably exclaimed while overdramatically throwing their hands into the air, even as Hinz and co. probably crammed fistfuls of Cheetos into their face holes to quell their uncontrollable giggling. OK, there's no evidence that the guys smoked the evidence (even if they were guilty of tampering with said evidence, they could just as easily have dropped by the restroom and flushed it). But come on. You know damned well that somebody smoked that shit.

Timo Laine has a YouTube channel that he sometimes updates and a blog that he updates even less.

For more ridiculous things in our justice system, check out 7 Ridiculous Cases Where Animals Were Put On Trial and 5 Stupid Juries That Prove the Justice System Is Broken.