Now, Bond's not a scientist (unless you count excessive drinking and spreading venereal disease as a "science"), so it's no surprise that he can't figure out the chemical properties of a solution by simply picking it up and staring. So instead of, say, taking a couple of vials back to Q for analysis, 007 opens one of the vials and leaves it standing in a precarious position before dashing secretively out of the room.

Eon Productions
"This is going to be hilarious!"

Not surprisingly, when the scientists come back, they knock over the vial ...

Eon Productions

... which turns out to contain some kind of toxic gas that kills them both while Bond observes from a secure position, not unlike a child hiding behind the couch from a scary movie.

Eon Productions
"Huh. So it was poison."

It's pretty fucked up that instead of doing some basic detective work, Bond uses the scientists as guinea pigs. Sure, they might be bad guys, but they also might not be. They're just a couple of scientists, and they're working for the Bond-verse equivalent of Richard Branson. For all we know, they may think they're producing weapons to help fight terrorism, or a better first-class commercial flying experience. Regardless, Bond never bothered to find out before locking them both in a death trap.

Eon Productions
"Science that, nerds."

But at least he solved the mystery without having to run an errand, so ... good job?

Eon Productions
"This shaved minutes off of my mission time, easy."

They also add a Japanese wig, to replace the wig Sean Connery was already wearing.

Eon Productions
"... I think I'm turning Japanesh ..."

The results speak for themselves:

Eon Productions
"... I really think sho."

Technically speaking, the disguise works brilliantly, because that homunculus in no way resembles Sean Connery. However, if we're being sticklers, we have to call it a resounding failure, because he looks absolutely nothing like a Japanese person.

Apart from this seamless transformation, Bond is trained to become a ninja, which takes approximately a single afternoon. Even after all of that effort, the enemy agents somehow manage to see through his disguise almost immediately, so turning Bond into a racist caricature didn't even accomplish anything, other than alienate future audiences once the 1960s came to an end. Though to be fair, a 2002 Bond film featured a Korean guy using plastic surgery to become a white British dude, so maybe turning Sami, Xhosa, or Cincinnatian is just something that happens off-screen every day in James Bond Land.

Melina has a good reason for wanting to smoke the bad guy, though: He killed her father. But Bond is right when he insists that killing is never the answer, and urges her to turn the villain over to the police. It would be a powerful moment ... if it weren't for the fact that earlier in the same movie, Bond pushed a guy off of a cliff for virtually no reason.

Eon Productions
"Buckle up."

This guy wasn't some kind of genocidal madman or world-threatening genius -- he was a petty henchman who wasn't armed and was trapped in a car on the edge of oblivion. Bond was only too happy to gently kick this random clown shoe right the fuck over. Even Roger Moore himself thought that this scene was messed up, later saying that he "wasn't comfortable with it, if truth be known."

So ... killing isn't the answer, unless no one else is around. Then all bets are off, and Bond is murdering everyone.

Of course, a big part of these movies are the "Bond Girls" -- women who somehow can't resist the charms of a vodka-soaked sociopath. The love scenes are creepy enough, but one classic actually finds Bond sexually assaulting someone.

In Goldfinger, Bond famously meets a woman named Pussy Galore, because why fucking bother giving her a real name? The "love" scene between her and Bond is one of the most uncomfortable moments in 007's 50-year history, because nothing about it seems remotely consensual. Bond corners Pussy (*sigh*) in a barn, and when she tries to leave, he grabs her. Ms. Galore understandably defends herself by judo-ing him to the floor.

Eon Productions
"No! My moleshting arm!"

Bond retaliates by throwing her to the ground, because both his authority and his manhood are being questioned.

Eon Productions

Eventually, he lunges on top of her, and she winces at his sexual advances while he leers like a fucking madman.

Eon Productions

This seems in stark contrast to the other Connery-era love interests, who seem utterly bedazzled by his sexiness. If anything, he's less interested in them.

Eon Productions
"Woman, I'm on the phone."

Even worse, the reason Ms. Galore is immune to Bond's charms (which is hinted at in the movie, but made explicit in the book on which it is based) is that she is a lesbian. Which kind of explains her name. In the book, Pussy shows "no sexual interest in Bond until he forces himself on her."

So yeah, let's not dance around the wording of this. James Bond forced himself on this woman. You know what the great thing about Jason Bourne and Ethan Hunt is? They don't rape people.

If we knew what he was really thinking, though, Casino Royale may not have been such a hit. In the original book, we get a window into Bond's inner monologue, in which he describes sex with Vesper as having the "sweet tang of rape." A sentence so bafflingly vile that NASA may want to find a new orange drink to give their astronauts.

He goes on to say that he "wanted to see tears and desire in her remote blue eyes and to take the ropes of her black hair in his hands and bend her long body back under his."

Jesus, even when Bond is seemingly being romantic, his insane brain wants to turn everything into a kaleidoscope of violence and brutality. If they made an Inside Out-like movie about Bond, his mindscape would look like a Hieronymus Bosch painting drenched in alcohol.

Up to that point, all of the villains in Bond movies had been dispatched in realistically gruesome ways (boiling chemicals, falling out of a private plane, etc.). This was the first time 007 ventured into the realm of dispensing Looney Tunes justice. At least Bond didn't use the N-word. Except he did, later, in the book Diamonds Are Forever, while thinking back on this adventure.

Ian Fleming
This scene becomes even more insane when you remember that Felix is black in the Craig movies.

And remember when Bond had to face Oddjob, the mute but relentless henchmen from Goldfinger? Bond didn't only hate Oddjob because he was throwing deadly hats all over the place; he literally thought that Koreans were "lower than apes."

Eon Productions
Yeah, that's our face too right now.

This is less "super-cool secret agent" and more "racist grandma after her second glass of wine."

Thinking quickly, he spins his nefarious partner around to absorb the bullet meant for his scowlingly handsome face.

Eon Productions
"You had better not have gotten any of her on my tie."

Then ... Bond just keeps dancing, swinging around an obviously dead woman, Weekend At Bernie's-style. The assassin apparently only had a single bullet or was catastrophically late for an appointment, because he doesn't bother trying to shoot Bond again.

Eon Productions
"... Eh, fuck it. Next time."

Instead of leaving her body in a dark alley or dumping it in a bathroom stall like a gentleman, Bond sits her lifeless husk down with a blissfully unaware couple and basically tells them to watch her while she "rests".

Eon Productions

So for the rest of their lives, that couple is going to remember their delightful Bahamian vacation as the time that chuckling Scotsman dumped his murdered girlfriend at their table and walked away into history.

The only way this could possibly be any worse for that unsuspecting couple is if Bond made some kind of insidious pun as he walked away ... which of course he does.

Eon Productions

Man, that isn't even a good pun. Fuck you, James Bond.

J.M. McNab co-hosts the pop culture nostalgia podcast Rewatchability, which can also be found on iTunes. Follow him on Twitter @Rewatchability.

And let's not forget what a rampant bigot 007 is. See what we mean in 5 Ways James Bond Was WAY More Insane In The Books. Or see why living in the same universe as this guy would be pretty unfortunate in 22 Unseen Repercussions Of The James Bond Universe.

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