Why Won't Americans Drink Tea?

Americans love waking up to gulp down as much jitter juice as they can get their hands on. But why is the only cold brew we like from a bean and not a leaf?

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Wouldn't it be awesome to own a piece of Hollywood history, like the actual Darth Vader helmet or that James Bond car that turns invisible (that was real, right?). Luckily for you, there are lots of auction sites letting fans and collectors bid on real props taken right from the sets of blockbusters. Just note that, out of their original context, many of them are pure nightmare fuel.

Giant Fiberglass David Hasselhoff

8 Horrifying Movie Props You Won't Believe You Could Buy
Splash/JuliensLive.COM via Metro.co.uk

Some people stand in the darkness, but don't be afraid -- you can roll into the light with your very own lifelike, "oversized" David Hasselhoff. And by "oversized" we mean that thing is 14 feet long -- so his face is about 2 feet tall. Are you picturing it? Are you picturing yourself waking up next to it?

Sold as part of a large Hasselhoff auction that includes a classy Disney-themed denim jacket and an absolutely bitchin' Knight Rider golf cart, this Hoff replica was used on screen for the SpongeBob SquarePants movie. As if that jubilant, hollow void of a grin wasn't enough, the prop comes equipped with a roller that makes it easy for David Hasselhoff to follow you everywhere you go, including every dream for the rest of your life.

If you like a little bit more disturbing implication of free will, you could always go for this alternative model:

Premiere Props via LiveAuctioneers

Rise, Lord Hasselhoff.

Isn't that precious? He's trying so hard to escape his mechanical shackles that his pectoral muscle is erupting! Set him in the corner of your bedroom and pretend he's cheering you on while you're having sex!

The Robot Dogs from Hell

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Most of the furry animals in today's kiddie movies are made with CGI, but sometimes they still bust out the statues and animatronics for close-ups. At first, they look snuggly enough to sleep with, but after a bit of wear and tear, creatures like this bloodhound from the movie Cats & Dogs become pure childhood nightmare fuel:

8 Horrifying Movie Props You Won't Believe You Could Buy

"Daddy, is that what Bubba looks like now?"
"Oh, no, sweetie. Bubba is way more decomposed than that."

Granted, you might have to explain to your kid who cut off the front (back?) half of CatDog. Then there's the matter of that face, which looks like a still frame from one of those decomposition time-lapse videos. Maggots are bound to burst out of that thing at any moment. Otherwise, it's a pretty solid fifth birthday present.

If your child is more of a fan of the live action 101 Dalmatians movies, though, you could always go for the Puppy of the Damned:

8 Horrifying Movie Props You Won't Believe You Could Buy
Pristine Auction

8 Horrifying Movie Props You Won't Believe You Could Buy
Pristine Auction

Given crippled legs, so that it can't stray far from its master.

That's one of the titular 101 Dalmatians, though you'd be forgiven for mistaking it for Cerberus, the three-headed dog who guards the underworld. The scuffed nose and faded spots are bad enough, but the missing ears and broken legs push it into the suburbs of Creeptown. If your son or daughter is pestering you for a dog, putting this in their room should traumatize them into submission.

Remember Anne Ramsey? Sure you do. Angry gal, about yea high, always sounds like she just came from the dentist. If you've seen The Goonies, it's impossible to forget her:

8 Horrifying Movie Props You Won't Believe You Could Buy
Warner Bros.

Many a boy lost their libido to that face.

In Throw Momma From the Train, Ramsey plays a woman who may or may not be in danger of being hurled from a speeding locomotive. The movie employed body doubles for the scenes in which the film title's demands are met. Since no one in Hollywood looks like Anne Ramsey, special masks were sculpted for the stuntmen. To put it mildly, they haven't aged well. Glue it to your dog's face, and surprise the neighbor's kids!

But honestly, it really is hard to sever a face and not have the result be the stuff of nightmares, even if the creature itself was adorable:

8 Horrifying Movie Props You Won't Believe You Could Buy

Goodbye, childhood.

Oh you, you know what that is. As far as imaginary animals we want to own and love and pet all the time, Mogwais are up there with Care Bears and Pikachu.

8 Horrifying Movie Props You Won't Believe You Could Buy
Warner Bros.

"And never, ever, feed them after midnight."
"How about carving their faces off Cage/Travolta style? Is around sixish OK?"

The reason is that the creators of the Gremlins movies did wonders with animatronics. Each critter was hand-crafted and was capable of a ton of different facial expressions. The robotics couldn't do absolutely everything, though, so the Mogwais had swappable tragedy/comedy masks prepared according to the needs of the scene. Since there are logically more faces than full-blown Mogwai robots out there, it's more common that a Gremlins-related auction will contain something like this:

8 Horrifying Movie Props You Won't Believe You Could Buy

It's kinda like if Chucky and Gizmo had an unspeakable demonic love-child.

With no ears or eyes to speak of, these masks resemble trophies belonging to a Mogwai serial killer. If you don't want to look like the gremlin version of Ed Gein, your only recourse is to find a spare set of body parts on Earth's most cuddly black market.

Meanwhile, if you want to play supervillain, why, just buy Ron Perlman's Hellboy mask and mount it on the wall like a trophy:

8 Horrifying Movie Props You Won't Believe You Could Buy

"Kill ... me ..."

Speaking of superheroes ...

Batman's Gimp Suit and Terror Bust

8 Horrifying Movie Props You Won't Believe You Could Buy

"I'm Bortman the Damned."

It seems like you could pick any random prop from the Tim Burton Batman movies and wind up with something pretty cool. Or you could wind up with this terrifying bald lipstick-wearing bust of Michael Keaton, apparently used for wide shots of the Batmobile when there wasn't actually a human driving it. Stick it under the bed in the guest room for visiting family members to discover!

But of course, the ultimate prize from one of those films would be the suit itself -- forget some lame-ass Halloween costume, you can buy the real thing! Then you realize that, by just removing the emblem and the cape, Batman is basically running around beating up criminals in a gimp outfit. All that's missing is the ball gag and whip:

8 Horrifying Movie Props You Won't Believe You Could Buy

And Zed.

Also, the auction notes that this suit has seen several owners, so you can assume at least one of them thought to get freaky with it. Wouldn't you, if only to have the chance to use "Commissioner Gordon" as a safe word?

Man-Baby Pubert from Addams Family Values


"What have you done to him, you maniacs!"

The Addams Family movies are full of disturbing and darkly comic props and costumes, but that's their schtick -- this is a world where a sister nearly executes her brother via the electric chair, and it's played for laughs. One of the only intentionally cute things to come out of the sequel, Addams Family Values, is Pubert, the infant son of Gomez and Morticia:

8 Horrifying Movie Props You Won't Believe You Could Buy
Paramount Pictures

Or the son of Hitler and Katy Perry.

Gaze upon that mustachioed Casanova and tell us that isn't most adorable goddamn chunkster you've ever seen, yes he is! Pubert looks like the exact kind of lovable rascal that would narrowly avoid death in all sorts of Rube Goldberg-esque shenanigans, and he does just that in the movie. The stunt team couldn't find any parents willing to let their uglier, less important babies be thrown through plate glass windows, so they settled on creating Pubert dummies like this one:

8 Horrifying Movie Props You Won't Believe You Could Buy

"I'm lonely. Let me hold on to your soul."

Suddenly that charming little baby-man is a repulsive man-baby. Something about the soulless eyes, facial scars, and penciled facial hair make him look like the world's only infant pedophile.

Tom Hanks' Loincloth/Penis Pouch from Cast Away

8 Horrifying Movie Props You Won't Believe You Could Buy
Prop Store

And here, friends, is your next Halloween costume.

If you wanted to pick out any prop from the desert island flick Cast Away, well, it would probably be that volleyball. The only other thing in the movie that gets closer to Tom Hanks is his makeshift loincloth, which spent weeks riding up his ass like a LinkedIn friend request. It might be a little mildewy and smell faintly of taint grime, but that's par for the course when it comes to set-worn wardrobe.

8 Horrifying Movie Props You Won't Believe You Could Buy
20th Century Fox

And the cloth is made from a fine pubic hair-polyester blend.

But looking at the item online, there's a wrinkle in the prop you might not have foreseen. That mesh pocket sort of stands out, doesn't it? According to the auction, the loincloth comes complete with a "hidden 'support' inside for the actor's comfort." Translation: That there's a genuine dick holster.

A marooned survivor alone on an island is pretty much guaranteed to start freeballing it at some point or another, but the production team knew that they couldn't have Tom Hanks' Oscar-winning Wilsons peeking out during pivotal scenes. And you'll be thankful for that feature, too, when you wear it to the office on Casual Friday.

The Scalp of a Munchkin from The Wizard of Oz

G Premiere Props
Premiere Props via LiveAuctioneers

It's weird watching the classic Wizard of Oz and realizing that Toto has been dead for a long time. Of course, most everyone involved in a movie from 1939 is dead by now, too. That includes the munchkins, of which there is only one known surviving member.

8 Horrifying Movie Props You Won't Believe You Could Buy

He's the brute in the pea-green jumper.

As time goes on, artifacts from the movie become harder to come by. Those desperate for some piece of the Golden Age of Hollywood are left with slim pickings, which means you get some pretty disgusting leftovers, like the bald cap that once belonged to a gleeful member of the Lollipop Guild, whose only crime was celebrating the death of an enemy and handing out painfully obvious advice like "Walk down this brightly colored path that is also the only road out of town."

Whoever held on to the piece didn't think that the flaky papier mache and real human hair were gruesome enough, so they found a way to replicate the head of a munchkin on which it once rested. And for some reason, they made it look as if the poor sod has been dead for a day or two.

Arnold Schwarzenegger's Severed Heads

c Premiere Props
Premiere Props via LiveAuctioneers

One little-known benefit of having starred in a lot of violent sci-fi movies is that your head gets sculpted a lot. Just ask Arnold Schwarzenegger, who lives his life knowing that multiple strangers own rubber copies of his head, most of which are either screaming or undergoing some kind of trauma. Others are just ... unsettling.

8 Horrifying Movie Props You Won't Believe You Could Buy

It's like if you sculpted Arnold's face from a picture of Rainier Wolfcastle.

That model, for instance, looks like Madame Tussauds left a wax sculpture of Gary Busey out in the sun. Technically, the prop was never meant to be viewed this close -- it was made as a part of a miniature Mars set for Total Recall. At that scale, the model didn't have to be a super accurate representation of Arnie, but it should approximate a human being. Then again, the faithfulness of the other Total Recall creations doesn't help their creep factor:

8 Horrifying Movie Props You Won't Believe You Could Buy

It may have also slipped through a wormhole from an alternate universe where Arnold played Rene Belloq.

At least that "blonde Arnold" looks like he could be deep in thought, or at least staring at a really fat pigeon outside his window. These other horrors, however, are more appropriate for your average Black Mass. In other words, there's no better way to light up your rec room.

Tristan Cooper is one of very few writers on Twitter. He also runs an Anne Ramsey fan page and will tell you anything to get you to visit his personal website.

Related Reading: Speaking of props, check out the most hilariously incompetent props in Congressional history. And hey, did you know Star Trek props wind up in every damn sci-fi movie? While we're at it, check out these brilliant clues hidden in the background of movies.

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