Thanks, corporate vampires!
Mega Man 2 -- You Attempt to Kill Your Future Self
For those of you who are unfamiliar with Mega Man, we suggest you re-evaluate your life. But in the interim, know this -- each game features the titular hero facing off against eight Robot Masters. They range from the badass Skull Man and Napalm Man to the laughably unintimidating Sheep Man and the (hopefully) accidentally phallic Hard Man.
Although that facial expression suggests otherwise.
But Mega Man II has one additional boss, Quint. And unlike the other bosses, who explode when they're defeated, Quint escapes to live another day. It's kind of a good thing he gets away, though, because, like a bad horror movie twist, the real monster is you.
Even the pogo stick is unimpressed.
Mega Man villain and professional incompetent Dr. Wily stole a time machine so he could go into the peaceful future and capture an unarmed Mega Man. He brought Regular Man back, reprogrammed him, and then gave him a pogo stick instead of a bunch of guns, because Dr. Wily is seriously so bad at his job.
Evil Einstein? Wait, is this because of the bomb?
But it's poor Quint who's the real victim here. Think about it -- he's perfectly content to kill his past self -- ending his own life in the process -- because his free will has been stripped away by Dr. Wily. In fact, has Mega Man ever had free will? Because by defeating Quint, he's just setting himself up to become Quint in the future. It's like an 8-bit Looper.
And what does it say about the future of Mega Man's world if Dr. Wily was able to capture him because the good guys had finally won and disarmed during peacetime? Mega Man has to spend his entire robotic life destroying his fellow robots, because if he doesn't, he'll be turned into an evil robot himself.
See? Mega Man is some deep shit. Go play it.
John Mulroy's a twit and he will Judge your Crap. Ian Ury is Pip Ury's twin brother and a general writer of stuff, and an occasional amateur animator. If you wanna comment, drop him an email at email@example.com. Raoni draws his power from beer and the tears of fanboys. You may follow him on Twitter.
For more unrelenting digital horror, check out The 8 Creepiest Glitches Hidden in Popular Video Games and The 7 Most Horrifying Moments from Children's Video Games.
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