5 Terrifying Trends Currently Overtaking Etsy
If you've never been on Etsy, it's probably because you figure it's just a bunch of shitty crafts being sold by amateurs. But as we've shown you before, Etsy is home to some very ... interesting people.
Interesting, terrifying people, selling goods intended to set up camp in your nightmares. And to make it worse, this stuff is way more common -- and popular -- than you'd think possible. Things such as ...
Items Lovingly Crafted Out of Cat Hair
Even the staunchest of dog persons would find it difficult not to admit that cats make great pets, with just a few downsides -- namely, litter boxes, that whole stealing the souls of babies thing, and, worst of all, the shedding. Holy shit, all the shedding. Well, it seems that some of the crafty people on Etsy have realized how wasteful it is to sweep all that discarded cat hair into the garbage. Why toss it out when, with a creative spark and the know-how to felt, it's possible to transform the contents of your vacuum bag into delightful creations like this purse?
If you collected enough you could felt an entire cat, but that would just be weird(er).
It's an equally appropriate gift for your mom (if your mom is also a crazy cat lady) or for someone with allergies whom you hate. But the women's cat-hair accessories aren't limited to those of the functional variety -- there's also jewelry!
We doubt Lucretia consented to this.
This stylish hairball pendant comes with a certificate of authenticity, as well as a picture of the cat that supplied said hairball, so you'll have a handy visual aid in case you ever find yourself on a red carpet and a reporter asks who you're wearing. Not quite furry enough for you? Don't worry, because there are also intricate little numbers like this one:
Hairballs: not just choking hazards for cats anymore.
If you're not comfortable wearing the hair of some strange Internet person's cat, this fine craftswoman would also be happy to make you jewelry using your own cat's hair. No word on whether she shows up unexpectedly at your back door to collect it, but we're going to assume so.
If jewelry isn't your thing, there are plenty of other cat-hair creations available, one of which is sure to tickle your fancy. Toys? Yep, they've got those:
"Hey, this smells like me, but with a pinch of human loneliness and despair."
But perhaps strangest of all are the fake cats made with real cat hair.
"And this is what happened to the last cat that wouldn't stay off the kitchen counter. Got it, furball?"
If you're the do-it-yourself type, you can also find books on how to spawn some cat-hair horrors of your very own -- but they're mostly in Japanese, because of course they are.
Crocheted Creations That'll Make You Never Be Able to Look Grandma in the Eye Again
Crochet brings to mind grandmas making baby booties, blankets, and horrific holiday sweaters. But for the new generation of crocheters on Etsy, ugly sweaters aren't nearly horrific enough -- not when you can whip up something like this nice crocheted fetus.
This cute little guy is also available as part of a complete "Fetus, Uterus and Vagina Crochet Plush, with Fallopian Tubes and Ovaries, and Vaginal Canal" combo that appears to have been ripped straight out of some dismayingly anatomically accurate rag doll.
And while we're on the subject of ripped-open abdomens ...
The perfect gift for the movie buff, music fan, or personally collapsing junkie in your life.
Here we have a lovely yarn-based recreation of the tragic culmination of Sid and Nancy's heroin-fueled lovefest. Buyer beware: The seller makes it clear that "this set is made for the adult collector and was not designed for play or rough handling," so you'll have to think of a different gift for your niece's christening.
Now, we know exactly what you're thinking: "Why aren't dead-Nancy's breasts exposed?!" Not to worry, because Knitty Titties (no shit, that's the actual name of an Etsy shop) has your penchant for crocheted perversion covered in spades.
The bottom part isn't yarn.
Bonus: This topless horned demon is also a finger puppet. Because, obviously, someone who would drop 70 bucks on a "Knitty Titty" would also want to plunge his "finger" into it. You may scoff, but that's called knowing your market, folks. It almost makes the next one seem tasteful by comparison:
Great -- terror and ennui.
That's Chalice the eviscerated amputee, whose gaping chest wound is "done in a lovely dark reddish purple and mostly stitched closed," while his "leg stumps feature embroidered scars." You know, just in case the name of the item wasn't enough to send you running away screaming.
And again, the denizens of Etsy's underworld have a soft spot for do-it-yourselfers, so you can always order up patterns for these pinnacles of stuffed adorableness:
You don't have to sew the teardrop; it forms naturally when you're done.
Crucified bunnies and suicidal bears, oh my! If you're thinking of polishing up your skills in the disturbing crochet arts but aren't sure how your handiwork will be received, just remember: If you make the gift yourself, your friends have to like it. It's a rule.
Extra Creepy Taxidermy
Taxidermy is already pretty fucking creepy. You'd be hard-pressed to find someone who'd disagree with that statement. And while many might think of it as somewhat of a lost art only to be revisited in sepia-tone Victorian-era photographs and the occasional hunting enthusiast's living room, Etsy-philes are doing their best not only to keep the art alive, but to crank its creepy dial up to 11.
Take the mouse guitarist above, which can be yours for the low, low price of $150. What upon first glance appears to be a whimsical little real-life depiction of a singing rodent straight out of a Disney film takes a dark turn when you notice the tortured scream that's forever locked onto its face -- forever, that is, until we order it just so we can burn it and send the demon trapped inside it back to the netherworld.
But perhaps dead rodent dust catchers aren't your thing. Maybe you'd prefer to wear them as a fashion statement instead? Etsy's got something especially for you:
We feel the red eyes might just be there to save its eventual demonic possessor a step.
Yes, that's a real hamster head. On a necklace. To wear. In public. And from there, it only gets more disturbing.
Who would sell a chainsaw to a two-headed monster?
We know what you're thinking. You desperately need this two-headed murder-duckling in your life, but you're a little strapped for cash at the moment. Fret not -- the seller offers layaway! Or, if you can compromise and go for a less homicidal two-headed duckling, this one's only 50 bucks:
Fifty bucks and you couldn't toss in a helmet?
So we've covered music, cartoons, jewelry, murder, and sports ... that should pretty much blanket the interests of anybody on your gift list. What's that? What about your sexual deviant cousin whose birthday is coming up? Oh, right, we haven't gotten to the sex stuff yet:
The tails form a heart to try to convince you this isn't a sexual assault.
According to the seller, the materials used to manufacture this whimsical item are "mice, couch, lots of romance." And yeah, that's actually kind of adorable, in a "look what my creepy stalker gave me for Valentine's Day" sort of way. But you know that only means we're about to show you something far more twisted, right?
Never has arts and crafts made us feel so judged.
And there it is. Gimp-squirrel here ("complete with gagball!") can be yours if you possess a spare $200 and even a fraction of the enthusiasm of the seller, who exclaims that "OH MY GOD YESSSS MY HUSBAND HAS FINALLY MADE THE S&M BONDAGE SQUIRREL !!!!"
And speaking of making wholesome things dirty ...
Soap in the Shape of Body Parts
Soap is clean by its very definition. It seems like something that would be hard to make awful, but by this point in the article you should have learned not to underestimate the twisted horrors that the collective Etsy imagination-uterus can birth into this world.
Those fingers were pink before the shower.
Remember when you looked at your bar of soap in the shower this morning and wondered aloud, "Man, why can't this look like a chopped-off, decaying human finger (with which I can gently caress my every filthy crevice)?" If so, please let us know immediately so we can file a restraining order against you.
Less realistic, but no less disturbing, are these puppies:
"Wash your hands with a nice reminder of what you did to your victims!"
The seller wonders right in the item's title if these women's torso soaps are gross. To us, a more pertinent query would be whether the people who would buy them have actual dismembered bodies hidden in their homes.
Other soaps range from relatively tame biohazardous waste ...
"The 'Band-Aids' are hand soap. Order 'Maxi-pads' for body."
... to Holy Mother of Fuck, it's a dismembered baby head!
What's in the box?!
If that one's too mature for you, here's a reappearance by our old friend the fetus:
And friends, in case you thought this was an isolated thing.
This little guy or gal is, by far, the seller's most popular item -- at the time of writing, they've sold several hundred of them. This led us to wonder: Is it weird to find this stuff weird? Is this actually normal, and we're the ones who are weird?
But then we stopped wondering that as soon as we saw ...
So ... Many ... Genitals
Human genitals take myriad forms and have myriad uses. OK, so actually they only take a few forms and have a handful of uses, but the brilliant people on Etsy said "to hell with this biology bullshit" and have come up with genital-based crafts to meet your every wing-wanging, hoohahlicious need. It should come as no surprise by now that you can buy various soap dongs and crocheted lady dongs, but of course it goes way beyond that.
There are genitals to eat:
At least one of these should see a doctor immediately.
Again, green is not a normal color for genitals, kids.
Genitals with practical uses:
The lyrics to "I'm a Little Teapot" have never been more incorrect.
And even ones to celebrate with!
Making the stable resemble a taint was cost-prohibitive.
None of those quite what you're looking for? Maybe you want to surprise your guests (and hope they'll post bail for you later) at your next barbecue with an apron that features a massive fake dong. Maybe you want a cast of an actual woman's vagina that you can stuff a candle into. Or maybe you want to decorate your walls with an extremely graphic painting of two disembodied penises performing a sexual feat that the Kama Sutra might call the "Ass-to-Mouth Double Ouroboros." Of course, maybe what you long for is simply a way to express yourself by way of a plush poontang, in which case we recommend one of these "Wondrous Vulva Puppets."
In fact, how did you even live your life before knowing that a Wondrous Vulva Puppet was a thing to be had? Sadly, we'd wager.
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Related Reading: Speaking of trends, check out these crazy porn trends. Rich people spend more time masturbating than poor people! That trend is pretty disturbing, and so is the inevitable end of Internet neutrality. Also disturbing: the fact that cops seem to be down with anal probes now.