You're Swimming in Your Own Shit and Piss
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You've probably heard the phrase "her water broke" and know that it's a sign that someone is having a baby. However, chances are you don't know exactly what that is, and thus are not sufficiently grossed out by it yet. We're here to change that.
If you see someone in labor, don't help. Flee.
"Water breaking" refers to the amniotic sac inside the uterus rupturing and spilling the fluid inside. But what is amniotic fluid actually made of? Why, the kid's old piss, of course!
At the beginning, amniotic fluid is composed of water and cells from the baby, but that changes as soon as Jesus brings the growing offspring its own functional urinary system. Around the fourth month, a baby will have sufficiently developed organs to pee into the amniotic fluid like a drunken freshman at his first kegger. To make matters more unsettling, a fetus will then ingest the amniotic urine cocktail, filter it through its brand new kidneys, and then expel it in a vicious cycle that eventually turns the womb into a German porno set.
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Is this NSW? We don't even know anymore.
By the time a typical human baby slips out into the world, it has usually drunk up to 15 ounces of amniotic fluid/urine a day, or roughly 3.5 gallons a month. Now, it is worth mentioning that this entire process is perfectly harmless to the fetus -- just like the occasional ingestion of poop that floats around their amniotic environment like a toilet malfunction at the International Space Station. Meconium is the medical name given to a baby's first bowel movement, which is, of course, also pooped directly into the amniotic sac.
Meconium is typically released at times of high stress. We might have stretched the truth earlier when we said that drinking your own poop is perfectly harmless, as it can lead to meconium aspiration syndrome, which happens when a baby's poop becomes trapped in its airways and obstructs breathing. So if you've been proudly bragging to your alumni newsletter that you've "never choked on your own shit," well, we might have some bad news for you ...
Matt firmly denies ever being born. He has a Twitter account here. That doesn't mean he uses it, but it exists if you want to remind him how wrong he is.
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Related Reading: You can become a drug addict while still in the womb too. We're not even kidding. And were you aware that newborn babies can come out with a coat of wolfman-like body hair? They totally can. Yes, babies are terrifying monsters. But they're also amazing.
BMX Cat: Less creepy than a baby, and looks much better on a t-shirt.