We then cut to an explicit sequence of chocolate, milk, and ice spraying all over the woman's mouth. The soundtrack and editing make it look like a montage from a porno parody of Requiem for a Dream, complete with the inevitable conclusion.

KFC India
In our day, "Finger lickin' good" was innuendo enough.

Several shots of this, along with scenes of the girl sensually licking her lips, make it clear that, yes, it's not just your filthy imagination: The milkshake symbolizes semen. Because what better way to get people to buy a drink than to insinuate that they're going to chug down several fluid ounces of baby batter?

Ignoring that the only people who find KFC erotic are just a few Double Downs away from a double bypass, who wants to associate milkshakes with money shots? Most people don't like getting ejaculated on at the best of times, let alone while they're trying to eat. We're surprised the slogan isn't "Come to KFC and get a load of cream to the face!" We joke, but we're not far off -- at the end of the ad, a woman coos, "Really thick. Really tasty." In a remarkable display of restraint, she doesn't add "Like a cock."

KFC India
The first cut had him eating this with one hand.

The apparently sexually repressed creative head of the commercial insists that it has no sexual overtones, and that they were simply trying to "romance the ingredients," because when you decide to shove a bunch of fat-filled ice cream and milk down your throat, the first thing you think of is definitely romance. Meanwhile, KFC's marketing director says he's happy with the output, which men usually are when the output is semen.

Sandwiches rank low on the sexy-food scale, down there with pretty much everything that isn't Popsicles and lollipops. But that wasn't about to stop Quiznos, which tried to sex up their toasted sandwiches by implicitly toasting an employee's genitals:

We're introduced to an oven that sounds like HAL-9000 channeling Buffalo Bill, which tells loyal Quiznos employee Scott that he "wants him to do something." Instead of freaking out that he's being hit on by a sentient toaster, Scott responds, "Nope, not doing that again. That burned," while looking at his crotch.

Ladies and gentlemen, meet Scott the Toaster Fucker.

Quiznos
He started working here after he got fired from Panera for molesting panini presses.

The toaster continues its harassment with "We both enjoyed that" before begging the reluctant Scott to "put it in me." It feels like a coercive S&M relationship, and it looks like everyone involved, including the viewer now, could use some therapy. As Scott's resolve weakens and a porno groove starts playing, the toaster thrusts itself into the climax of the commercial with demands for Scott to advertise Quiznos' new sandwich in a sexy voice. As he speaks, we get shots of long, firm sandwiches rising up like they're getting ready for a honey mustard bukkake. The spot ends with the toaster languishing in an afterglow of sexual satisfaction. It would be smoking a cigarette if not for health code regulations.

Quiznos
"I'm pregnant. I'm keeping it."

The ad is obviously tongue-in-cheek, but that doesn't make it any less confusing. The average person doesn't choose a sandwich franchise based on its ability to lampoon porn movies -- that's why Jared from Subway didn't imply that all his weight loss made his erection look bigger (and it surely did -- are you picturing it?). And joke or not, the only thing people will have in mind the next time they visit Quiznos won't be the low prices, it will be mental images of employees sticking their dicks in sadistic sandwich-making equipment. The same equipment that's going to toast the sandwiches they're suddenly second guessing their orders of.

... but crank it up and let the confusion begin. Not only have they chosen a song that sounds like the theme to a cartoon for 10-year-old girls, but every pass of the candy is marked by a disembodied voice squeaking "Pu ... ccho!" Sometimes it tries to sound erotic, while other times it seems to be on the verge of tears, and either way you end up feeling dirty.

Then there's the fact that these girls all look like they're about 14 years old, and that's because they very well could be. It's hard to keep track of the band's 89 members, but some of them are as young as 12, which is apparently Japan's age of consent for being turned into a sexualized marketing gimmick. The jumpy, jarring editing that makes you feel as if you're spinning in the teacups at a horrifying amusement park in a schizophrenic anime fan's mind doesn't help matters.

UHA
Zoom out far enough and they transform into actual cartoons.

It's not hard to see how an ad about cute pop stars basically kissing each other was greenlit, but everything about it makes us feel like it's teaching pedophiles what the perfect treat to lure their victims with is. "Hey, sex offenders! You like young girls, and young girls will love our candy! Do we have to spell it out for you?"

You can actually kind of follow their reasoning if you're a horny teenage boy with poor logic skills. You see, the game included a revolutionary new innovation certain to forever change the face, or at least the boners, of gaming. Players could -- wait for it -- manually jiggle the characters' breasts. Tecmo clearly has its finger on the pulse of the gaming audience, although precisely where they're measuring that pulse from is a question best left unanswered.

Putting aside the question of why they decided to advertise the game's jiggle physics instead of the gameplay, graphics, story, or literally any of the reasons people actually play video games, we're not sure why they thought the best way to advertise this "feature" was with a display that didn't tell you anything about it. It's like advertising a burger joint by nailing a cow to a wall. It's such a random choice that you can't even tell what it's there for. If the video of passersby is any indication, most people seemed to think it was meant to be furtively stroked like a rare animal at the zoo.

See how nobody's looking anywhere near the tiny print way down in the corner that's the only indication that this is even an advertisement? But even then, what's the connection they're going to make to the game? Even the horniest gamer would have trouble getting aroused by a pair of rigid, disembodied breasts the color of Commander Data. If against all odds he was turned on, his thought process would not be "Now that I have an erection, I'm going to go buy this video game!"

Tecmo Koei
"This is Pokemon, right?"

No gamer, or human being in general for that matter, is so desperately lonely that his only sources of sexual stimulation are video games and the world's weirdest glory hole. Gamers have Internet connections, and literally every set of boobs they can access on the Internet is more appealing than what looks like a serial killer's art project. Who was this supposed to appeal to, plaster casting fetishists?

Are we supposed to look at a duck posing like a pinup girl and become overwhelmed with a hunger for poultry? Who has ever thought to themselves, "This pork is pretty good, I guess, but I sure wish it was gazing at me like it wants the D," and how do we get them on some sort of watch list?