Those Valar dudes? They're not gods, he said: They're more like angels, and anyone who thinks otherwise is dumb. According to him, pagan religions were "ultimately hopeless and futile," and his hippie fans were a "deplorable cultus" -- granted, this hostility might have been influenced by the fact that American fans repeatedly called Tolkien in the middle of the night to spout drug-fuelled ramblings about how they were at one with Tom Bombadil.

Tolkien was so annoyed by his hippie followers that his later work about Middle-earth, The Silmarillion, even attempted to clarify his "Yahweh rules, pagans drool" stance: It describes a very Genesis-like creation of the universe by a monotheistic deity called Iluvatar or the All-Father, followed by the rebellion of a very Satan-ish being named Morgoth. He was going out of his way to set the record straight, but his "Frodo Lives!" chanting fans still didn't listen.

HarperCollins
Mel Gibson's already bought the rights.

That is the image of a genius too busy bending the rules of time, space, and grammar with his typewriter to give a shit about his vanity. That is somebody who doesn't give a shit about the system, man.

But In Real Life ...

Actually, Vonnegut's hobo look was carefully calculated. Here's what he looked like before publishing Slaughterhouse Five in 1969:

Loree Rackstraw
"Hi. Yeah, can you do something about the time-displaced hobo at table five? I'm trying to enjoy my meal. Thanks a ton."

For half of his life, Vonnegut was clean shaven, sophisticated and well fed. However, this was the '60s, and Vonnegut knew he'd be eaten alive by counter-cultural literary circles he hoped to reach with his book if he looked like Darren from Bewitched. He obsessed over his author photo and ended up completely revamping his demeanor so he could look like a crazy writer: He lost weight, grew out his hair, neglected showers, and, of course, grew a mustache that would give Tom Selleck a run for his money.

Vonnegut had worked as a PR man for years, so he knew exactly what he had to do to achieve his dream "to be a famous New York City writer." He was also so insecure about his education that he lied about academic honors he never got, and despite sounding off about Vietnam, had no problem with being an investor at Dow Chemical (makers of napalm).

US Army
And so profits grow.

So to all those college kids who "love" his work but have only seen 30 minutes of the Bruce Willis version of Breakfast of Champions, he'd probably say "Well done, you're on your way to becoming a legendary author!"

What We Know Her For:

In the 19th century, Louisa May Alcott famously wrote Little Women and its many sequels, like Little Men or the less popular Average Sized Adults. The novels were all collectively about true love, domesticity, and the most important aspect of virtue over wealth, themes that continue to resonate with young readers across the world -- there's even a Japanese anime adaptation of the novel.

Nippon Animation
In this version, Jo and her sisters can merge to form Chastatron, Protector of Virtue.

It's well known that Alcott based the stories on her own childhood experiences with her three sisters, and many identify her with her heroine Jo: strong-willed, righteous, and probably kinda dull.

But In Real Life ...

Alcott called Little Women "moral pap for the young" that she wrote for the specific purpose of making lots and lots of money. "Money is the means and the ends of my mercenary existence," she also said -- getting rich was the driving force for writing about women who didn't care about getting rich.

obit-mag.com
"Girls who love their family over money? What a great science fiction concept!"

She didn't particularly enjoy writing these stories: She would much rather be getting high on opium (she was addicted most of her adult life) or writing her less known tales about revenge, lust, and, you guessed it, making lots and lots of money. She probably would have included a lot more sex and opium addiction in Little Women if it weren't for the fact that it would hurt sales.

Alcott knew that her entire reputation and sales depended on the good girl image and living up to the theme of "virtue over wealth" (at least she got the "wealth" part right), so she put together a cover-up of her own writing -- she never claimed ownership of her earlier, smuttier work, which was published anonymously, so she could make a brand out of herself. After hitting it big she mostly stuck to writing the stuff she knew would sell well, hence all the sequels. If she knew that Hollywood has done four movies and a bunch of TV shows based on Little Women, she'd probably be like "Awesome! Now where's my fucking royalty check?"

Columbia Pictures
"It's been 20 years; Mama wants a remake. Michael Bay, some Megan Fox, a little 3D. Boom, jackpot."

Like his children's books, Silverstein liked to "insert" himself into his Playboy comics. One popular series showed the children's author traveling the world, getting into various drug- and boob-related misunderstandings along the way.

Playboy
Scholastic turned down his proposal for The Giving Prostitute.

And that's not all. Silverstein was also a prolific poet and songwriter, and one of his favorite topics (and sources of inspiration) was pot, with titles like The Great Smoke-Off and I Got Stoned And Missed It (which was basically Because I Got High before its time). Sometimes his various interests collided in his cartoons:

Playboy
Mickey always gets chatty on Acapulco Gold.

One of Silverstein's most famous songs is the playful A Boy Named Sue, made into a hit by Johnny Cash. Less known is his sequel/retelling The Father of a Boy Named Sue, in which the eponymous characters of both songs (that is, father and girl-named son) end up sleeping together. Yeah, it's hard to see "Uncle Shelby" making it as a children's author if he'd started out today, considering parents and publishers are less likely to pick up a delightful children's book after they Google the writer and find him on YouTube singing about getting high and having incestuous sex.

What We Know Her For:

While she's most famous for her 1976 novel Interview with the Vampire, Anne Rice's long writing career has spanned topics that range from sexy vampires and sexy witches to sexy werewolves and sexy mummies. The most famous book in her vampire series was adapted into a well-received Brad Pitt-Tom Cruise movie in 1994.

Warner Bros.
Sometimes you just have to take a moment to remember this happened.

And that's her tame stuff: Rice's work also branches out into hardcore BDSM erotica like the Sleeping Beauty trilogy, in which the Prince wakes up the Princess "not with a simple kiss, but with a fervent deflowering" ... and things just get wronger from there. The books start off with your average garden-variety spankings and gang rape, and then quickly descend into what would happen if you collected a year's worth of horrifying unintentional Google Image search results and then wrote a chapter about each one.

But In Real Life ...

We're all so jaded about artists secretly being perverts that it's genuinely shocking when the opposite happens. Rice's non-writing life is less "BDSM vampire fantasy" and more "that Sunday school teacher aunt who you have to hide most of your Facebook posts from."

godlessgirl.com
Some Goth fangirl somewhere spent hours Photoshopping this to make it look like her hands are burning ...

Rice became a born-again Christian in 1998 (and a born-again non-Christian in 2010, but she's still religious). But even before that, she was always more of a prude than her own writing: When she actually met the people who were heavily into her bondage novels, she was so creeped out that she had to discontinue the Sleeping Beauty series.

So what freaky stuff is she really into, then? Monogamy, mostly. Rice fell in love with her future husband during high school and, according to her autobiography, she never had the desire to sleep with anyone except a future spouse. The two married when she was 20 and lived in happy monogamy until his death 41 years later -- according to Rice, he's the only man she has ever been with. This isn't something she's unhappy about: In interviews, Rice has described long-term married sex as "something priceless."

Plume
"The only thing more satisfying is shamelessly cashing in on 50 Shades of Grey."