Mitchell Bryant
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Raising children is difficult, especially if you're not a fan of constantly getting pooped on. Taking advantage of that difficulty, some inventors patented whatever shit-brained device popped into their heads, hoping that desperate parents would buy it en masse and make them rich. Keep in mind that these inventors were so convinced of their genius that they spent thousands of dollars to patent each invention. If there was one takeaway from Honey, I Shrunk the Kids, it was that inventors make terrible, terrible parents.
Let us examine the evidence.
U.S. Patent Office
This belongs in some Nazi doctor's lair and nowhere else.
The Invention:
A machine that spins pregnant women around in rapid circles, until the baby gets the idea and flies out into the net strapped across its mother's nether regions.
The Terror:
Being pregnant is already scary enough without having to be strapped into a spinning carnival ride. Everything about this patent gives us the impression that George B. and Charlotte E. Blonsky should never be allowed anywhere near pregnant women, or people in general. And now a serious question we don't want to know the answer to: Which one of them posed for this drawing?
U.S. Patent Office
Neither of them. It's a volunteer model they kidnapped off the street.
The patent says it's designed for "more civilized women," as opposed to those brutes who somehow give birth to babies without first spinning around in a giant fetus-shooting cyclotron. Obviously this brilliant invention never caught on, but don't feel bad: The human centrifuge went on to be cited by the patent for something called "Method and Apparatus for Bleeding a Test Animal," which we are not going to look up. If you want to, be our guest.
The Invention:
A hypodermic syringe shaped like a cuddly creature to prevent children from being afraid of needles.
The Terror:
The first problem we see here is that the way this syringe is designed, the massive needle is clearly visible and juts out of the front of whatever adorable, kid-friendly object is chosen. The second thing is, do we really want to make syringes more appealing to kids? Won't they just end up stealing them and accidentally stabbing their friends or themselves in the eye? Why did the inventor have to make the bunny's face so kissable?
Of course, even the dumbest of kids will eventually realize that this cute-looking contraption brings them nothing but pain, thus learning to hate anything even remotely adorable. Like, you know, babies themselves. Hey, they'll probably grow up to invent things like these. You know what they say: "The road to hell is paved with cuddly-animal-shaped hypodermic syringes."
U.S. Patent Office
"... well do ya, punk?"
The Invention:
A gun that shoots food into your baby's mouth.
The Terror:
What the hell is this doing on this list? Sorry, this is an accidental crossover from our list of "Baby Inventions So Awesome, We're Going to Have Babies Just So We Can Buy Them." Now every feeding is the goddamn opening scene of Fight Club!
The Invention:
An egg-shaped enclosure for babies designed to prevent you from rolling over in bed and suffocating the munchkin whilst you both sleep.
The Terror:
Nothing says love like trapping your baby in a cage that makes it look like a giant beetle is sleeping in the bed, then turning your back on it and going to sleep. Sure, a kid might not remember exactly what he was doing when he was only 1 year old, but doesn't this kind of sleeping arrangement leave lingering psychological scars? Of the "One day I'll dress in clown makeup and kill people" type?
U.S. Patent Office
There's no way this lady doesn't wake up screaming every morning, then goes "Oh, right. I did that."
So how well does this work? Let's put it this way: One of the prior inventions that led to its creation, as referenced by the patent, was titled "corpse viewing cover." Um, yeah, you should probably stick with the old "make a wall of cushions in the middle of the bed" method. Or just buy your child a damn crib, you cheap bastard.
The Invention:
A stick you insert into your baby's poophole to make it, well, poop.
The Terror:
Because it's a stick you insert into your baby's poophole to make it poop. We're no medical experts, but we were under the impression that babies had that shit covered (literally). Seriously, it's like the one thing they can do completely by themselves.
Jupiterimages/Pixland/Getty Images
"We're also great screamers!"
Also, let's consider for a moment the fact that our inventor felt the need to qualify his invention as a "disposable" defecation stick. Why, what the hell is the alternative? Additionally unsettling, the patent diagram is pretty unclear as to which end is, ahem, the business end. See, if these things were reusable, you could just smell it and find out.
Finally, the patent points out that the stick is made out of "suitable material." What material would be considered suitable to put inside a baby's butt, pray tell? Because we wanna make sure we don't get reincarnated as that.
The Invention:
This austere contraption is meant to be attached to a crib before it goes to work repeatedly smacking your baby on the ass. Because nothing puts a child to sleep faster than a gentle beating.
The Terror:
Wait, what? You won't be surprised to learn that this thing was patented in 1968 -- whoever came up with it was probably simultaneously high on hash, LSD, and their tenth listen of Their Satanic Majesties Request. It doesn't help that the hand in the illustration looks like it's going in for a grope rather than a smack, but we're actually not sure which one is worse. Perhaps it's a little bit of column A, a little bit of column B.
U.S. Patent Office
... a little bit of column C(hild abuse).
Also, what happens if this thing accidentally gets left on and junior doesn't or can't move? Or if the dial controlling the smacking strength gets set too high? Child services is just not going to believe that your robotic rump smacker is responsible for all those bruises.
Oh shit, what if somebody who also owned the defecation stimulation stick above decided to let this machine do the job for them?
The Invention:
A simple device that holds down your baby while you change its diaper. This beauty even includes a screen that prevents the baby's hands from getting in the way.
The Terror:
This is the Muppet Babies version of a medieval torture device. It's the sort of thing you'd find in the lair of a James Bond villain, if Bond was a ba- uh, be right back, we gotta go pitch something to MGM. Anyway, we think a better use for this thing would be to make the screen in the middle look like a big buzz saw, then tricking your guests into thinking you've accidentally cut your baby in half. Then you open it and reveal that the baby isn't dead -- just absolutely terrified.
Jupiterimages/Photos.com/Getty Images
CPS is not happy.
Incidentally, the patent, which was filed in 1978, mentions that the product is useful for "infants or retarded children." So if you used this until your early teens, now you finally know what your parents really thought of you.
The Invention:
A device that hooks around a baby's ears, holding the pacifier in place and preventing the baby from spitting it out. A happy side effect is that it also prevents them from screaming in your ear while you're trying to watch football.
The Terror:
Why are we suddenly reminded of that scene from Pulp Fiction? Oh, right -- that thing is totally a ball gag for babies. Have they patented a little gimp suit, too? How about a little katana for babies to defend themselves from the kind of parents who would buy this?
Sensei George
As if that would be enough.
Also, the patent notes that the device is inspired by the type of tracheal tube fasteners they use in hospitals (that hose they shove down your throat when you can't breathe by yourself). It's nice to know that straps strong enough to forcibly intubate a non-consenting adult are going to be affixing a pacifier to your baby's face.
The Invention:
A strap that shackles your kid's feet together, in case you really miss the days when it was just a toddler.
The Terror:
In theory, this invention should allow your child to walk while preventing it from running or climbing on any furniture. In practice, however, that baby is just gonna keep tripping and falling down until it hits its head on something and goes to sleep. Possibly for good.
These baby shackles look like they're inspired by those things that inmates wear around their feet when they're being escorted about their maximum security prison, but they aren't. Nope, it's the other way around: The Infant Restraining Device was patented in 1953 and then referenced in the much more widely used Prisoner Restrainer in 1977. So, to recap, it was created for babies, didn't take off for some reason, and then someone said, "Hey, why don't we use it on the most dangerous criminals on the planet instead?"
U.S. Patent Office
Like Lou "Lil' Stumps" Santini here.
The Invention:
An electronic device that alerts you when your child has used its diaper. Unfortunately, it only detects urine or liquid stool. Fortunately, nature has already come up with an alarm system for solid excrement (it's called "farts").
The Terror:
Let's review the elements involved in this invention: Babies. Liquid. Electricity. Yup, there's no way that could ever go wrong. We may be able to consider using this with Grandpa (because he's lived a full life, and each bowel movement is a gamble anyway), but it doesn't look like the proposed size would fit him.
Jupiterimages/BananaStock/Getty Images
"I'm more of a freeballer anyway."
What's with patent makers trying to reinvent the wheel when it comes to baby defecation? Again, they don't need a lot of help there. Parents can usually tell when their child is simultaneously screaming and reeking of urine. Unless they secured a pacifier/baby gag ball to the kid's face, that is.
The Invention:
A giraffe-shaped baby butt dryer. Like a regular baby butt dryer, but shaped like a giraffe.
The Terror:
If you couldn't see this bastard, you wouldn't get what the problem was. If you're going to have an ass fan in your baby's nursery, you might as well give it some festive shape. But look at it! WE SAID LOOK AT IT, GODDAMMIT. It has some kind of huge mechanical teeth. Wait, is that where the air comes out? Its mouth? So the baby's earliest memories are going to be of a robotic giraffe blowing into its asshole?
The Invention:
A special doll that is fitted with the real teeth and hair discarded by your baby. You can then display it in a family room or other visible location so that everyone can admire the physical manifestation of your declining mental health.
The Terror:
What's so terrifying about this invention, you ask? Everything.
U.S. Patent Office
There is exactly a zero percent chance that this thing won't become haunted.
For more inventors who are clearly bad with children, check out The 8 Most Wildly Irresponsible Vintage Toys and 15 Unintentionally Perverted Toys for Children.
If you're pressed for time and just looking for a quick fix, then check out 3 Signs This Naked Fugitive Is from the Future.
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