Mom thinks I'm doing homework
But I can't help it, I've just got to surf
I gotta chat with my girlfriends online
We're digital divas
This Girl Wide Web is hot stuff
My buddy list is growing all the time
I got a Web page
Sign my guest book with your screen name
Check it out, then send an I.M.
What's your profile?
This is just like passing notes
It's easier to type than use a pen.
Nikki punches us in the face with AOL Instant Messenger references (which was experiencing the height of its popularity at the time) while confusingly addressing both her girlfriends and someone she insists on calling "baby" at random intervals. That's the whole song, by the way -- just singing about talking to people online about absolutely nothing in particular. There's a hip-sounding buzzword in literally every line of the song's four-minute duration, which is impressive considering that HOLY GOD, THIS GOES ON FOR FOUR MINUTES?
Even though she assures us that there's "no time to spell" (and really who would want to, what with typing being easier than using a pen?), Nikki still breaks down her favorite acronyms for us, many times over, lest we be lost in a fog of confusion and unable to follow along. The worst thing is, she isn't wrong. Every single text-speak acronym she rattles off is totally correct, situationally appropriate, and still being used a decade later by people twice her freaking age.
"Hahaha! Oh, Jim, your use of youthful slang makes you interesting!"
Her prescience isn't without its limits, though. She falls into the same trap that everyone else seemed to back then and tries to make up her own slang -- the "Girl Wide Web" never caught on. That's probably for the best, because we are certain that if you type "girl wide web" into a search engine, the results will in no way resemble whatever Lizzie McGuire bullshit that 13-year-old girl was singing about. Also, nobody has signed a guestbook since 1997, and this song came out in 2002. She might as well have thrown in a lyric about the frames on her Angelfire page. Nice try, Nikki. Now aren't you glad you didn't release this under your own name?
Jason Iannone is a humorist and editor for hire. Everything he writes is collected in one easy-to-use Tumblr. Liking him on Facebook and following him on Twitter helps an angel get its wings.
For more terrible feats of lyricism, check out The 10 Least Romantic Love Song Lyrics and The 11 Most Unintentionally Gay Rap Lyrics Ever.