Cody Johnston

Movie: Harry Potter 7.2

Back in November, the New York Times ran an article by Neil Genzlinger, renowned name-haver. In it, he talked about how the sitcom is dead and how all of the stories have been told and how comedy is dead and how there's nothing new anymore and how all of the things everywhere are dead.

I agreed with him at first, because sometimes I have to actively stop myself from being cynical. But there's a reason stories are told over and over, and it's not because creativity is dead and God is dead and everything in all the places is dead. It's because, for one, everything is a remix. But also there are important stories that everyone should hear except NEWSFLASH CALL THE NEWS PEOPLE most kids hate old things. Some punk kid isn't going to go on Netflix or WebWatcher and watch Old-Ass Thing. Some punk kid is going to watch Some Bullshit New Thing. Or something better, maybe. Who knows with these punk kids nowadays?

But I'll talk later about TV and Whitney and how super good I bet it is. Here, I'm talking about the final film in the Harry Potter series, a story of bravery and friendship and right and wrong and good and evil and magic and other stuff, probably. It's an old story, but it's this generation's old story. Not since the original Star Wars trilogy has a saga seen so filled with OMG THIS IS MY FAVORITE THING LETS WEAR THE COSTUMES AND WAIT IN THE LINES AND BUY THE TOYS AND MAKE THE FUCKING GIFS. Harry Potter is everywhere, and it ended this year.

But even though it's over, it is here to stay. It is the new Star Wars. For decades to come, people will be making Voldemort jokes and rewatching Harry Potter and hoping they make more Harry Potter and regretting that they made more Harry Potter. It's the newest version of the same old story we've seen. The only difference is that J.K. Rowling wears way less flannel, and instead of Vader being Luke's dad, Snape kills Dumbledore.

Spoiler alert?

TV Show: Two Cutegeekable Whitneys

With the success of the hilarious Bridesmaids, the smart cookies behind great things decided that "a funny movie that focuses on funny women" meant "let's make some pretty standard television with nerdorable star Zooey (sp?) Deschanel(sp?) and also this Whitney girl. Let's give her 2 shows, in fact."

"That sounds like one 2 many shows," other female comedians mentioned, probably.

The Jokedorable Whitney spawned 2 Broke Girls and Whitney and the Girls (later shortened to just And the Girls [later fixed to just Whitney]). Here's what I think a full episode of 2 Broke Girls is like, because apparently I was feeling like a real prick on the day I made it:

In the spirit of community and the holiday season, I just want to say that I'm sure everyone who works on the show is really wonderful. I haven't even seen it, so, you know, fuck me, I'm terrible. I've honestly only seen JUST over an episode of The New Girl. I'm not interested in watching 2 Broke Girls in the same way I'm not interested in watching Two and a Half Men. Meanwhile, there are the female-centric Parks and Recreation and 30 Rock, which are two of the best shows on right now. That's how TV is regardless of gender. 1 percent incredible and 99 percent not very incredible at all. And I promise I won't relate this to the #Occupy Movement even though I totally could and it would be awesome for at least a little bit. But for the purposes of this, I will just say let's bring on more of The Adoragirl Gals so we can get more KNOPE 2012s. Because for every 1 Liz Lemon, we've got 99 Whitneys, and a bitch ain't one, nor is a bitch 99. None of them are bitches. Yeesh. Something about 99 balloons. #Occupy Balloons. The end.

Song: As Long as We're Partyin' -- The Black Eyed Peas

At this year's Super Bowl, the Black Eyed Peas performed, and it was spectacular. They played a medley of all of their best songs, which is to say, they played all of their songs. This was their year. Not only did people want them to perform at the Super Bowl, but when it was finally announced, everyone understood why and really just fucking loved it.

Their best accomplishment, though, is probably their 2011 hit that is definitely a real thing, "As Long as We're Partyin'." They played it at the Super Bowl, at the Oscars and anywhere you can play songs. Except of course on a webcam on YouTube, so I thought I would help them out. Here is my cover of my favorite Black Eyed Peas song that totally exists, "As Long as We're Partyin'." Watch it with the annotations on for the full experience.

Video Game: Minecraft

Despite creating fake video games just so I can give tutorials on them, I wouldn't necessarily call myself a "gamer." I mean, I like video games. I'm great at them, I swear, why don't you come over here and prove that I'm not, but I just don't play them that often. I always feel like I have better things to do, like make fake video games and give tutorials on them.

Then I heard about a game called Minecraft. The game takes our current and seemingly never-ending obsession with zombies and it combines that with the glamour of building stuff. It is called a "sandbox" game and it gives you the freedom to build statues or a working computer or a house fire. You can even build a playable version of the game you're playing within the game you're playing, because Minecraft is the Inception of video games. Speaking of dreams, when I bought Minecraft I played it for 24 straight hours. I ate, maybe, I don't remember, but for 24 hours I played Minecraft. Then I fell asleep, woke up and played Minecraft for another 24 hours. For the sake of my mind, body and soul, I have not played it since, mostly.

Population: Loser.

But if Minecraft didn't consume and destroy two days of my life, I could have gone into multiplayer mode and helped make some amazing things with the Minecraft community. Like the Earth:

So, yeah, basically I thought that was an appropriate visual for a lot of things that happened this year, and a lot of things that are still happening. People from all over the world, connected through the Internet, building up a new world around them, together. That's the only reason I picked this game, actually, to trick you into hearing some of my hippie bullshit. So, ha ha, I guess. Ya got tricked. This game came out in 2009.

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