The 12 Most Insane Things Happening Right Now (9/29)

The news is kind of like a creepy cult leader who makes a convincing case that the world is going to end next month, until you realize he's been saying the same thing for 40 years. No reasonable person can be expected to keep up with every important headline while maintaining their sanity, so we have taken it upon ourselves to quickly summarize the most important and/or ridiculous news stories from the last week (or so):