7 True Stories of Animals Rescuing People from Certain Death
You don't have to be pulled out of a well by a plucky collie to know that there is such a thing as hero animals. But when you think of them, you probably picture disaster rescue dogs or a chimp sheriff ... the usual stuff. What you don't picture are lions, gorillas and even whales throwing themselves in harm's way to save some helpless human. But you will now ...
Lions Save Girl from Kidnappers
When you think about which animal you least want to show up when you're wounded and helpless, lions pretty much take the cake (and your face, and then some limbs, because they're lions). They're 300-pound, 6-foot-long cats that look at you as nothing more than a delicacy at a fancy lion restaurant they like to call Africa. But as we've noted before, lions also have a softer kitten center that leads them to care for some unlikely creatures.
Lil Wayne was nursed by a lioness from age 1 to 17.
In this instance, it's a 12-year-old Kenyan girl who had been missing for a week. It turned out that she had been abducted by several men who were trying to force her to marry one of them (because who has time for romance?). But when the authorities finally found her, she was alone, her kidnappers having fled. Instead, she was surrounded by three lions that had scared away, and hopefully maimed, her captors.
Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men? Goddamn lions, that's who.
The police said that the lions had been guarding her for about half a day when they got there, not only abstaining from munching on the little girl themselves, but also making sure that nothing else got close to her. When the police finally arrived, the lions departed, perhaps roaring "Everybody gets one" as they left.
Experts say that the lions might have been reacting to the girl's tears as if they were the mews of a lion cub, but we all know the real reason: The little girl is a Beastmaster.
Gorilla Saves 3-Year-Old Boy
The reason you can keep a wild animal in a zoo without it constantly trying to jump out and murder visitors is that most animals are territorial. They are enclosed in a space that they can call their own, and as long as those borders are respected, they are happy to eat, frolic and mate for the entertainment of gawking onlookers.
"Step on the white tile. See what happens."
But that territorial bubble was popped by a 3-year-old boy at the Brookfield Zoo in Illinois -- he was right over the gorilla enclosure when he fell over the fence. The 18-foot drop left him unconscious and with a critical head injury. Since gorillas can be dangerously persnickety with their territory, the police were barred from immediate action -- who wants to see a violent battle between a SWAT team and a huge herd of gorillas? Except everyone?
So, with a child in need and no help in sight, Binti Jua stepped in. And as much as that sounds like Indian Superman, it wasn't. Binti just happened to be one of the zoo's gorillas.
Although we guess breast-feeding sort of counts as a superpower.
Binti came to the boy's aid by cradling him in her arms and then bringing him to the enclosure door, where paramedics could get to him. The police and staff were quick to note that without Binti's assistance, the situation could have been much worse.
"We're all just lucky she didn't Kong out."
And in case you think we're just misunderstanding the gorilla's actions, it's actually not an isolated incident. Back in the 1980s, another kid fell into a gorilla enclosure, at Jersey Zoo. That time, the gorilla was a male silverback who watched over the unconscious boy and led away the rest of his troop when paramedics arrived. One has to wonder if these gorillas are naturally empathetic to our young or if they just feel sorry for how stupid we apparently are.
Whale Saves Drowning Diver
We don't know if you've noticed, but China is quickly supplanting Japan as the world's leader in weird-ass news stories. This is a perfect example, because everything about this tale is ridiculous.
It starts with the Polarland Aquarium in Harbin, China, which held a free diving contest in their 20-foot-deep, arctic-temperature whale tank with seven divers who were not allowed to use breathing apparatus. The winning prize was to apply for a job as a whale trainer. Shit! What did the janitors have to do to apply for their jobs? Fight to the death with flaming mops?
"Whoever braves my frigid kingdom will earn the right to feed me raw fish in the bitter cold."
Anyway, 26-year-old Yang Yun was one of the seven lucky divers to participate. Upon reaching the bottom of the pool, her leg cramped and prevented her from swimming properly. Damn it, who could have known that something like this could happen in a diving contest held without breathing equipment in frozen water?
In her panic, she began to choke, which would have led to her imminent drowning in the land that safety regulations and liability insurance forgot. That is, if Mila, one of the two beluga whales in the tank, didn't see the trouble and swim to her rescue.
Yang Yun, the human floaty toy.
Mila grabbed Yang Yun's leg with her mouth and started forcefully pushing her to the surface. The diver survived, and likely wouldn't have without Mila's help. At this point, we can only assume that aquarium officials shrugged and said, "See? The whale saved her. What's the problem?"
"The system works!"
Pig Saves Owner from Heart Attack
LuLu the butt-ugly potbellied pig started out as a birthday present given to a woman who couldn't even be bothered to take her home. So the b-day girl's mom, Jo Ann, took the pig instead, partly out of pity, and partly out of anticipation of having ham for Easter lunch. The point is, the pig didn't seem likely to do anything useful anytime soon.
The damned thing looks like it can barely stand up.
But apparently what LuLu lacked in glamour she made up for in moxie. When Jo Ann had a heart attack, LuLu took one look and sprang into action -- by giving her owner open-heart surgery with her snout. Just kidding -- LuLu bolted for help, which was heroic in itself, considering her girth. The problem was that she had never left the fenced yard before. How would a 150-pound ham ball manage a fence latch? We'll never know, but we've got money on Porky walking upright.
Either way, LuLu escaped her yard and found a highway. She waited for a car to come by, then walked out into the middle of the road and LAID DOWN TO TRY TO GET THE CARS TO STOP. When no one stopped, Lulu would intermittently go back to Jo Ann to make sure she was OK. After 45 minutes of drivers thinking it was perfectly natural to have to swerve to avoid a giant pig on the highway, someone finally stopped to see what was up with Boss Hog using the street for a bed.
"... and that's when I ate their tires."
He followed LuLu back to the house and discovered that Jo Ann had suffered a heart attack. He called the paramedics, and Jo Ann was saved. As a reward, LuLu received her favorite treat: a jelly doughnut. Which seems kind of cheap, but hey, it's still just a damned pig.
Woman Saved from Raging Cow by Horse
More people are killed by cows than sharks, as we are fond of mentioning. So when we say that someone had to be saved from a cow attack, don't laugh. See how you like having a half-ton of raging bovine tossing you around.
"I may be dumb, but you are very tiny."
Which brings us to Fiona Boyd, a farmer in Scotland, who was doing her farmerly duty and responding to the worried cry of a calf when the mama cow decided that she was having none of Fiona's shit and charged her. The thousand-pound heifer proceeded to ram Fiona several more times and then body-slammed her and her good intentions into the ground. Oh, and then she rolled all over her, for good measure.
Just as Fiona thought she had no hope left, her mare, Kerry, heard her cries from nearby and ran to her aid, probably neighing something cool, like "Your beef is with me" or "I am so not in the moood." Kerry began kicking the cow into submission, a beat-down that will eventually result in some insanely tender steak. Kerry ended up giving Fiona enough time to crawl to safety 20 feet away under an electric fence.
"It's milking time."
Afterward, Fiona was only treated for cuts and bruises, and not the bad case of death she could have received if her savior steed had not intervened. Because cows are nothing but grass-shitting murder machines.
Related: The Matrix Is Real, If You Are A Cow
Rabbit Saves Man from Diabetic Coma
Rabbits usually come in one of two flavors: food or Thumper. One is used for a Thanksgiving turk-abbit dinner, and the other is used for entertainment ranging from cereal mascots to magicians' assistants. Neither type of rabbit is really considered courageous in any way at all. Or at least they wouldn't be until a guy named Simon Steggall fell into a potentially lethal diabetic coma on his couch in his home in Cambridgeshire, England.
"Siiiimmoonnnnn!!! Wake up, man!!!"
Victoria, his wife, was in the vicinity when it happened, but she was under the impression that he had fallen asleep on the couch after a hard day at work. It was Dory, the couple's house rabbit, who sensed something wrong and hopped on top of Simon. She began to thump around emphatically and lick at Simon's mouth like an aggressive rabbit Prince Charming trying to return her owner back to consciousness.
Victoria soon saw Dory's odd behavior and figured out that the rabbit somehow had a more acute sense of her husband's dire medical state than she did. She called the paramedics, and Simon's life was saved. For her efforts, Dory was awarded honorary membership into the Rabbit Welfare Association. And while we would love to say that there is an organization made up entirely of heroic rabbits, membership is an honor that is typically reserved for humans. Which we guess makes it more impressive.
It's the second-highest honor a rabbit can aspire to, under Easter Bunny and just above Trix salesman.
Dolphins Are the Angels of the Ocean
In 2004, four lifeguards were swimming off the coast of New Zealand when a pod of dolphins surrounded them underwater. If they had been Cracked readers who had time traveled to swim in 2004, the lifeguards would have assumed that they were about to be gang-raped by dolphins. The best they could hope for was a quick ending and enough body parts for a decent burial.
Until one of the dolphins jumped out of the water and surfaced in the direction of a 10-foot-long great white shark. As the shark caught sight of the lifeguards, he darted for them, but the dolphins started swimming in a frenzy, blocking his way. The dolphins swam around for close to 40 minutes like this, while the lifeguards got to safety.
"And those stingy Kiwis didn't even tip."
Almost the exact same thing happened a few years later. In 2007, a man named Todd Endris was surfing when a great white bite-tackled him off his board. After taking a few chunks out of Todd, the shark was then warded off by a pod of dolphins that surrounded Todd until he got to shore and was assisted by his friend.
On one hand, these stories could all be lies invented by dishonest dolphin apologists. On the other hand, there are a lot of firsthand accounts depicting dolphins acting like this. Hell, even Dick Van Dyke was apparently once saved by porpoises. Scientists aren't sure why dolphins save people, but they definitely agree that they have the intelligence to do it, whether it be from some altruistic sense for creatures in need or because they just really hate sharks.
Dolphins: The racists of the sea.
When he's not trying to be funny on Cracked, Jeffrey Crawford is writing comedy skits that the whole world will perform one day.
For more insane animal stories, check out 7 Ridiculous Cases Where Animals Were Put on Trial and The 5 Creepiest Serial Killers (Who Were Animals).