Before Hugo Chavez became the cancer-riddled despot we know today, he was just an angry upstart with a dream of couping the shit out of Venezuelan president Carlos Andres Perez. So, like every other rebel on this list, he put together a terrible plan. Despite knowing that he only had the support of 10 percent of the military of Venezuela and a team of backstabbing cutthroats, Chavez decided there was no better time for a rebellion than February 4, 1992. With five whole army units under his command, Chavez rolled into Caracas with four goals: capture the president, capture senior generals, broadcast their goals from the Historical Museum and wait for the angry masses to join their cause. What could go wrong?
"Sir, permission to shit myself?"
They were greeted with machine gun fire.
By the time Chavez and his team of misfits got to Caracas, someone had already spilled the rebel beans. Chavez convinced the guards at the museum that he and his men were only there to reinforce the troops for the other side, if they could just let them in, please. Wouldn't you know it? The idiots fell for it! Success!
Except the communication equipment that was supposed to broadcast the rebellion never got there. Phones? Also not there. So on the night of February 4, Hugo Chavez found himself locked in a museum with no way of communicating with the outside world. We can only hope the exhibits came to life and terrorized them while they were there, but the historical record is strangely silent about that part.
"This kind of stuff never happens to Castroooo!"
The crazy thing is that the rebels running the show in other cities across Venezuela had totally taken their cities. But Chavez didn't know that -- he didn't have a phone. He was forced to just sit in the museum like a dumbass all night. It wasn't until the next morning when the president used Good Morning, Venezuela to announce that there had been a failed uprising the night before that Chavez even realized he had lost.
Chavez surrendered, but asked to broadcast his surrender on television as well -- just so his fellow conspirators would surrender peacefully. Here's where you have to remember that Chavez did eventually achieve his goal; up until this point, no one had ever heard of Hugo Chavez, the idiot who trapped himself in a museum during his own coup. Within six years he would be the "popularly" elected president of the country.
"So then I flung open the doors like this, and I was all like, 'When I become president, you're so fired!'"
See? Sometimes the crazy shit pays off.
For more insanity out of history, check out The 6 Most Insane Underdog Stories in the History of Battle and The 5 Most Epic Battles of Will That Would Not End.