Cracked Writers
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The nice people of the Internet shared the hell out of these last week. Guaranteed to break the ice at parties!
Deadpool, more influential than anyone in the Presidential race.
"The news can seem like this is all an elaborate prank being played by a billionaire for his reality show."
Pretty much stuck with it at this point, Des Moines.
"Despite the fact that by all accounts Marquette understood the Peoria language, he didn't seem to notice, and so the mighty Shitface River flowed through middle America until the 1800s, when the bustling metropolis of Shitface sprang up along its banks."
"My first action as president will be to hit some of this dank kush."
"Seriously, tell me you can find any difference between future president Bill Clinton in the above photo and Jeff Bridges in The Big Lebowski."
OCD isn't a funny quirk, and it's not something that you click on in your "Which DC Comics Character Am I?" internet quiz.
"Imagine the feeling of having a song stuck in your head. Now imagine that instead of 'It's Raining Men,' it's the thought of murdering your best friend. In graphic detail. Over and over again."
Hollywood dropped the ball on providing us with a steady stream of clown-based nightmare fuel, so reality picked up the slack. And reality can go f- its clowny self.
"Evil clowns exist and they know where your surveillance cameras are."
It was a beautiful time in Congressional hearings that brought Frank Zappa, Dee Snider and John Denver together...
"In explaining to Congress how it is parents' responsibility to pay attention to what their children are listening to, Zappa compared the PMRC's agenda to a 'sinister kind of 'toilet training program' to house-break all composers,' and their mission to 'treating dandruff by decapitation.'"
"We kicked around a LOT of good, dumb slogans before settling on "Make America Great Again." I really wanted to go with "America: Put It In You," but Donald thought it would be too obvious and no one would take us seriously."
"You have to believe me: Promising to build a wall was supposed to be the thing that let everyone else know that we weren't serious about running. A giant wall between Mexico and America? That's a child's idea of national security, a dumb child."
Beware of the sea goats and water bearers. That's likely blood, not H2O.
"Science has done so much for us -- from groundbreaking innovations to learning if a turkey will have sex with a stick. (Spoiler alert: yes.) But, it turns out those poindexters aren't all they're cracked up to be."
"Suicide headache" isn't merely a badass nickname. Death is a very real side effect of this condition. Most doctors who specialize in the field have have lost at least one patient to suicide.
"I'm pretty damn stable, but by my second or third headache, before I knew what was going on, if someone had offered me a bullet, I would have taken it."
Cue arguments that it's unrealistic to cast a black man as a parallel universe gunslinger in 3,2... Oh, nevermind - already started!
"The news is crafted specifically to cater to people who enjoy being angry and/or terrified."
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