Cracked Round-Up: America Edition

Or as we call this glorious land, "Mexico's Canada".


Some douchebags actually don't know how hard they suck, and Gladstone thinks that's a shame. Jason Iannone told us how rock stars and teen pop stars are the same thing while Winston Rowntree presented us with mental tricks for getting over yourself. Mara Wilson looked at horrifying marriages between fans and their idols before Robert Brockway showed the gaming industry what it could learn from Saints Row IV. Soren Bowie asked the six questions standing between you and heroism and Adam Brown looked at recent movies with more praise than they deserved. John Cheese wound us down with a guide to dealing with unreliable people, before Gladstone capped our week with some psyche-warping pop-culture images.

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VIOLENT HAPPINESS
6 Hit Songs You Won't Believe Are Insulting Celebrities
Because middle fingers just aren't direct enough.


Notable Comment: "Learned on the drive to work this morning that one of the local radio stations spends time reading Cracked in the middle of the day. This morning they claimed to have "discovered" yesterday that some songs are actually insulting celebrities and, without mentioning that they learned this from Cracked, spent 10 minutes ruining this article by going through which celebrities were being insulted by songs on this list without any humor or dick jokes."

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Thanks, djack. Hunter-killer sexbots have been dispatched.

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FAME POSITIVE
The 5 Most WTF Video Game Endings of All Time
Hundreds of hours spent alone on a computer don't make for the most well-adjusted storytellers.


Notable Comment: "How does a pig pile compare to a dog pile?"

One has more poop than the other, DantesGerbil.



DIE HARD
6 Ridiculous Sex Myths You Probably Believe
Get your learning boner on.


Notable Comment: "Withdrawal? Condoms? The real contraceptive is that horrifying picture of Miley Cyrus at the right of Cracked articles. That thing will turn you off sex for at least 24 hours, when you come back to Cracked expecting it gone and it's still there."

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Just do what we do, Dreadjaws, and pour bleach in your eyes every hour.



LUCAS FUTURE
5 Myths About Flying Everyone Believes Thanks to Movies
This may not make you feel better the next time you step on a plane, but at least you'll feel smarter.


Notable Comment: "What kind of cold, emotionless person films a real-life, explosive plane crash and doesn't even react? You know there was a guy there because you hear him trying to calm his dog."

JCA, this took place in Afghanistan. Huge explosions are pretty much part of the daily routine.



MONEY PROBLEMS
6 Things Movies Get Wrong About Swords (An Inside Look)
So before you make fun of our glasses again, remember: Cracked's packing steel these days.
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Notable Comment: "how practical would goggles or something like a welding mask be for swordsmiths? or blacksmiths in general?"

Ran76, goggles are perfectly acceptable.



Fer wusses.





Obsessive Pop Culture Disorder
If Michael Bay Directed Heartwarming Documentaries
Damn you MOUNTAIN!


YOU YOU YOU!
18 WTF Post-Fame Lives of Former Celebrities
We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contests, Posters That Could've Tricked Us into Seeing Bad Films, Why Iconic Characters Would Be Annoying Neighbors, Mind-Blowing Music Easter Eggs and The Most Outrageous Cases of Hollywood Plagiarism.
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