In the last three decades, three people have been killed in the Great Kali River, which forms part of the border between Nepal and Northern India. It's strange, because crocodiles and other major aquatic predators are unknown in the area, and besides that, witnesses described the unfortunate victims being dragged underwater by something that looked like an "elongated pig," never to be seen again.
Was this the long-awaited Revenge of the Baconed?
But alas, scrap your design sketches for Pig-Shark: The River Stalker, because we already know the killer: Catfish. Yep, the fish with the cute whisker-looking things on its face that goes well with cornmeal. Like a Yakov Smirnoff routine come to life, the Goonch catfish native to the Great Kali river have begun eating YOU.
What the hell did we do?
The Great Kali River is a popular resting place for bodies after Hindu funeral rites, in which the dead are cremated on the river's edge. The funeral pyres eventually sink into the river, where they become easy meals for the local catfish. After years of nibbling on the freshly cooked corpses, the catfish have developed an insatiable taste for human flesh. And that's absurd, really: If somebody pitched that to you as the premise for a horror movie, you'd ball up their script and hurl it into the garbage, laughing -- or else give them directions to the abandoned gas station that houses the SyFy Channel headquarters.
"Fantastic! We'll call it, Goonched."
But it actually gets even crazier: In 2008 a British biologist managed to catch one of the creatures by luring it in with a fake funeral pyre. His catch revealed that this diet has also allowed the already-massive Goonch catfish to increase significantly in size. But how big could a catfish possibly be? You order it in a restaurant and you're hungry again an hour later, right?
These monsters often measure around six feet long and weigh over 150 pounds!
Oh, and some species of catfish have fucking legs.
So, there you go. Now you know what to pray for at night: That nobody starts a beach-themed funeral home in your town, because apparently all it takes to turn the menu from Red Lobster into a stygian nightmare is your dead grandmother's thigh meat.
We'd like to conclude this article by saying: Buy guns. Lots and lots of guns.
Order the Cracked.com book, which is the only place you can read about Four Mythological Beasts That It Turns Out Actually Exist. For more ways Mother Nature is downright frightening, check out 5 Lovable Animals You Didn't Know Are Secretly Terrifying.
And stop by Linkstorm to learn how you can arm yourself against Mother Nature's hooligans..
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