19 Unintentionally Terrifying Children's Album Covers
It's true that the world looks more innocent through a child's eyes. But album covers, even those made for kids, are designed by grown-up, world-hardened and bitter adults. So sometimes you just have to ask, what the hell were they thinking?
When You See It, You'll Shit Bricks
Believe it or not, the fucked-up aspect of this cover doesn't have anything to do with Raffi's cold and judgmental glare. It might take a few moments for you to see it. We'll wait.
Although Raffi looks as though he's no stranger to uncompromising discipline, this child clearly knows that he's the least frightening of the boogeymen who lurk at the corner grocery store. The real horror hides in the bushes, in the upper left, and there is a zero percent chance he's wearing anything from the waist down.
Postcards from my Mind (When I'm Not Taking the Medication)
Because the contents of your mind consist of hovering, cross-dressing robots, breakdancing aliens and some kind of spring-loaded bellman in a disco ball suspended above a giant, anthropomorphic cock, we are redirecting your postcards "return to sender."
Also: While you're in the realm of the dick monster, do NOT buy the ice cream.
The Diddymen Could Fit Under Your Bed
What are "the Diddymen"? Apparently little buck-toothed hunchback trolls with comically oversized hats, the weight of which has ruined the curvature of their spines. What's most unsettling about this is we're pretty sure this image represents what Ken Dodd sees all the time. The Diddymen are always there, aren't they, Ken?
Wait a second, is the Diddyman on the far left making that chick blow him?
(Note that this is one of several covers we found thanks to LP Cover Lover, who seems dedicated to laboriously scanning every obscure LP sleeve ever printed).
The FOFAO Monster
FOFAO appears to have been something like the Brazilian equivalent of Barney the Dinosaur. Whereas America's youth grew up with a playful if mentally impaired purple dino-pal, Brazil got a Muppet with a scrotum for a head. Seriously. LOOK AT ITS FACE. Picture waking up tomorrow morning with it staring at you from six inches away.
Focus on that unearthly creature to the right. You know, the thing that looks like a cat wearing a Pennywise the Clown wig.
Now look at the whole image, and notice how terrified the clown-cat monster is of the leering guy to the left. That thing is shitting its pants. You want to know when you've found the real monster? When you find out what the other monsters are afraid of.
(From LP Cover Lover.)
We admit openly that we hate and fear kids. Even so, we think there is a very fine line between smiling, happy children, and terrifying, murderous, wide-eyed zombie monsters. Look at their faces. Really look at them. Those children are not smiling. Especially the little girl - she's warding off an attacker. Tell us she's not. Now look at the words floating over her head. Little Wendy: "Why? WHY?" This cover was clearly conceived and executed by the only person present to hear Little Wendy's last words, and he's cold blooded enough to turn them into a mocking nickname.
Of course, the artist wasn't satisfied with that kind of subtlety, so we get a dozen disembodied, grabbing hands.
As Painted on the Wall of a Schizophrenic Man
Stripped of context, Grandpa's River by Skip Jones and the Beaver Dam Chorus seems to remind us of tranquil childhood days, pole fishing by Grandpa's Nebraskan homestead. This impression is shattered when we discover that "Grandpa's River" is home to a snarling, blood-soaked yeti.
Also, the next time your neighbors are having noisy sex, just try to avoid thinking of that sound as, "the Beaver Dam Chorus."
Notice No One Has Breathing Apparatus
We're tempted to chalk this one up to a bad case of Engrish mistranslation from our friends across the Pacific. It's easy to see how "Wonderland" could have been misread as "Waterland," and the "Mad Hatter" may have been literally interpreted as "Angry Hat."
In any case, how we are supposed to believe that they're pouring a cup of tea underwater? How the hell are you going to drink it? Could they have made a more disturbing Alice in Wonderland cover?
Yes, They Could
Ah, that's one way. Just portray Alice in mid-rape.
Note We Have No Indication Dr. Fishbein Was a Pedophile
At a stretch, we concede that they may have been trying to illustrate the exact kind of situation that a growing girl needs to shrewdly avoid. But we've noticed an unfortunate trend in these old-timey sex education records - they seem to go miles out of their way to pick the downright creepiest bastard they can find to post front and center on the covers.
Are we wrong to hope that the man in that photo doesn't know in explicit detail what it's like to be a growing girl?
Speaking of Which...
That's right. It's Art Linkletter giving you a play-by-play of the night you were conceived. What else can it be?
With that in mind, look at the picture. WE SAID LOOK AT IT. "And that's when I stuck my finger in her butthole, and twirled it around like so..."
Honestly, are we reading too much into these covers? Has the Internet corrupted our minds so that we can find grossly inappropriate sexual situations in any image?
And We're Not Even Mentioning His Sideburns
It is just us, right? Tell us in the comments you see nothing wrong with that image. Jimmy playing his organ, while the two stare into each other's eyes. It was just a more innocent time, right?
It's Like a Bosch Painting
There are layers of horror in this picture that will take you the rest of the day to peel through. Every few seconds you stare at it, something new and horrible emerges.
Sure, you've probably noticed there appears to be some kind of Biblical end-times beast descending from the heavens, but have you noticed the dog in the green shirt staring up at its dick? Did you see how the creature on the left is crying tears of blood? That the cat in the lower left has been impaled on a bar stool leg?
This Goes Beyond Normal Clown Horror
Ah, Brazil. We meet again.
Seriously, is scarring entire generations of children some kind of national pastime, over there? A rite of passage, perhaps? Clowns are terrifying, no matter where you grew up. But in Brazil, they are a thousand-feet tall and want you to pull their finger. Look at that kid. That kid is not laughing. That kid is having his soul sucked out of his nose, and into a clown giant's finger.
Translated Title: "NONE OF YOU ARE SAFE"
Sure, lots of dolls are weird looking. None are as weird as a human dressed as a doll. Combine the two and you have what really starts to look like a cult situation. As in, this lady believes she's a doll made human, and now thinks performing the right rituals will bring her "husband" to life. We hope 1) the ritual doesn't involve human blood; and 2) that she realizes he's going to be born with his heart on the outside of his chest.
Show Us Just One Non-Creepy Ventriloquist Dummy
Who's to blame here? The ventriloquist dummy manufacturers of America, who turn out products like this? The eyebrows, the gray hair, the lips, every millimeter of that little bastard's face is wrong. Or is it the ventriloquists, who buy them, and then pose them in pictures where they lovingly snuggle each other?
And While We're On the Subject...
Geraldine is a real person who, at some point, came home, turned on the lights in her bedroom, and saw that sitting on a chair, staring at her. And she didn't even blink.
Seriously. Just One. Show us ONE.
"Yes, give me your most retarded dummy. Really, that's the best you've got? Ah, I guess I'll have to modify it."
By the way, how many of you are reading "LIVE" in the title, not as, "Live in Concert" but as in, They Live? They're both equally bad news, we suppose.
For more album cover failures, see 19 Hilariously Failed Attempts at Sexy Album Covers. For more questionable products for children, check out The 13 Most Unintentionally Disturbing Children's Toys and 15 Unintentionally Perverted Toys for Children.
And stop by Linkstorm to discover that there is actually non-frightening content on the Internet.
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