You think you know the secrets of Disneyland
and since you got them from this article,
we guess that you're not wrong.
But still, it seems quite bold
to think the story told
and so we'll now correct you -- with a song.
We've said that Disney movies teach bad lessons
after spending the day chilling at their park
and like so many "[Noun]World"s that you've heard of
the real life is, sadly, just as dark.
Have you ever heard the story of the pubic lice?
Or that the park is laced with stray cat shit?
Did you know that in Splash Mountain, there are boobies?
This Cracked Classic's an old favorite, enjoy iiiiiiiiiit.
This summer, hundreds of thousands of happy children will beg, plead and, if resourceful enough, blackmail their parents into taking them to Disneyland. And it's little wonder why: To children, Disneyland is the combination of the only three things that matter: cartoons, rides and thinly concealed evil.
What's that? You don't typically associate the Happiest Place on Earth with crippling depression, rabies, discrimination and hate crimes?
We can fix that!
Communal Employee Underwear
The Happiest Place on Earth!
Go to Disneyland and you're bound to encounter some of the cheerful be-suited Disney characters wandering around, embracing children, dancing for your amusement and generally setting a friendly, whimsical tone for the park. You can shake hands with Goofy, play fetch with Pluto, waltz with Donald Duck and take precious photos with Mickey and Minnie, photos that you'll cherish forever.
Cherish the memories.
Just like those pubic lice you just contracted.
Not So Happy:
Up until 2001, Disneyland workers weren't allowed to bring their own underwear when they were in character, because normal underwear tended to bunch up and become visible under the costume. Kind of like how some models don't wear panties on the runway, except less "exotic and sexy" and more "destructive of your innocence and everything the concept of childhood represents."
Instead, cast members were issued company jock straps, cycling shorts or tights, which they had to hand in at the end of every day to be washed with their costumes. Of all the perks you can get pre-faced by the word "company," "jock strap" really falls short--way below "company car" or "company jet," and registering somewhere between "company grave site" and "company lube."