Room for Improvement:
As Budreau explains it, awareness is the condition of having a cognizant understanding of the task at hand, which, at its most basic, is to steal things. It also requires an understanding that you probably shouldn't take advice on the appraised worth of valuables from the person you are robbing. On both these points, you failed ... pretty miserably actually.
Yet it could have been worse. Just not much.
Successes:
Finally, some profanity! Much more in line with the appropriate tone of a mugging. However, this was too little too late. Pepper a few "motherfuckers" in up front and I never would have had the balls to lie about the watch. Also, not to nitpick, but "f*****g" was modifying my money, when ideally profanity should be used to demean me.
I do count the fact that the gun didn't accidentally go off as a success.
History is unclear as to whether Budreau's general lack of propriety gave him the liberty spell the word "escape" with an "a" or if he simply did not know the correct spelling. In any case, after I turned over the cash in my wallet, you thanked me for "not making a scene," and fled with your cohorts, laughing as you went.
When I reached the road that runs along the park, I called 911 and reported that I had been mugged by three teenagers, including one wearing a Yankees hat. A few moments later, the police arrived and asked me to get into the backseat of their cruiser to assist them in combing the neighborhood. Every New York City teenager out on the streets wearing a Bronx Bombers' cap (there's surprisingly no dearth of them!) was soon being patted down, ID'd and questioned in an accusing manner about their recent whereabouts. After about 20 minutes of harassing local youth, I asked the authorities to drop me off at home, feeling more hungry than concerned about getting my $33 back from you.
Room for Improvement:
Muggers often give their victims a solid punch or pistol whip before parting ways -- a tactic enthusiastically espoused by Budreau. I see this as a matter of preference, and offer that if you'd subsequently assaulted me, rather than thanking me, I probably would've been more interested in helping the police.
Successes:
If the Yankees hat was a premeditated, Thomas Crown Affair-style blending tactic, this was by far your best move. Kudos!
If, however, you're just a Yankees fan, well, congratulations! You now have enough money to purchase exactly one Fathead brand 17-inch Derek Jeter skin for the laptop you will undoubtedly continue to illegally pursue.
In Conclusion:
It won't always be laptops. One day, you're going to want to sponsor a sex worker or support a substance abuse problem. But to reach those levels, you're going to need to take a critical look at the way you conduct your muggings.
In the meantime, it would be forthright if you showed gratitude for the advice I've offered here by finding another park to terrorize.
Anthony Layser
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