Like most men, Donald Thompson, had needs; itches that had to be scratched without delay. Unlike most men, Donald Thompson was also a judge. And, unlike most judges (hopefully), Donald liked to sit behind the bench and jam his unit into a penis pump and go to town while presiding over cases.
"Whatever. I just masturbated into this Dixie cup."
According to testimony in the trial that ended with him getting four years in prison for indecent exposure and getting disbarred, Thompson used the pump at least four times and exposed himself 15 times during jury trials, apparently when shit got either really boring or incredibly sexy. You know how murder trials can get sexy.
"Read the charges again, but slower...and then tell me I'm bad."
As an added bonus, Thompson had purchased a rather noisy pump that made an audible wooshing sound. It was loud enough that jurors during trials asked the judge what it was and presumably Thompson responded by groaning loudly then napping for a half hour or so.
Sometimes people get infused with the Holy Spirit and feel moved to praise the Lord when in church. Other times, people hop in the confessional and defile one another in a host of unseemly and sticky ways. It is not our place to question the Lord.
In Cesena, Italy, during morning mass, a couple in their early 30s was lodged in a confessional booth when other people at church became aware of an off-putting rustling and groaning coming from the booth. In public restrooms, that's often the sound of hobos passing gin-soaked shoe leather from their bowels while masturbating; and in mall photo booths it's the sound of teen girls making hilarious and unique faces with their BFFs. In churches, however, the first, best guess is the pastor trying to sober up before a service. On this day, however, it was just a "goth rock" couple diddling each other. For Jesus.
They could have at least closed the curtain.
The police were called and the couple, who were piss-tank drunk, were "cautioned" for obscene acts and disturbing a religious function which we think is like robbing a bank and then being told by the cops you can only spend the money on canned meat. The local parish priest called the incident "an outrage of notable proportions which bespeaks unutterable squalor" which is Christian for "fucktarded."
At home, in Alabama, a couple was caught having sex on the altar in a Baptist Church, because sometimes humping in a confessional booth just isn't sacrilegious enough. The altar was covered in red wax and the male half was found hiding under the church when police arrived, as his escape plan included digging to China.