The 10 Worst Places to Get Caught Having Sex

10

In Court

Like most men, Donald Thompson, had needs; itches that had to be scratched without delay. Unlike most men, Donald Thompson was also a judge. And, unlike most judges (hopefully), Donald liked to sit behind the bench and jam his unit into a penis pump and go to town while presiding over cases.

"Whatever. I just masturbated into this Dixie cup."

According to testimony in the trial that ended with him getting four years in prison for indecent exposure and getting disbarred, Thompson used the pump at least four times and exposed himself 15 times during jury trials, apparently when shit got either really boring or incredibly sexy. You know how murder trials can get sexy.

"Read the charges again, but slower...and then tell me I'm bad."

As an added bonus, Thompson had purchased a rather noisy pump that made an audible wooshing sound. It was loud enough that jurors during trials asked the judge what it was and presumably Thompson responded by groaning loudly then napping for a half hour or so.

9

In Church

Sometimes people get infused with the Holy Spirit and feel moved to praise the Lord when in church. Other times, people hop in the confessional and defile one another in a host of unseemly and sticky ways. It is not our place to question the Lord.

In Cesena, Italy, during morning mass, a couple in their early 30s was lodged in a confessional booth when other people at church became aware of an off-putting rustling and groaning coming from the booth. In public restrooms, that's often the sound of hobos passing gin-soaked shoe leather from their bowels while masturbating; and in mall photo booths it's the sound of teen girls making hilarious and unique faces with their BFFs. In churches, however, the first, best guess is the pastor trying to sober up before a service. On this day, however, it was just a "goth rock" couple diddling each other. For Jesus.

They could have at least closed the curtain.

The police were called and the couple, who were piss-tank drunk, were "cautioned" for obscene acts and disturbing a religious function which we think is like robbing a bank and then being told by the cops you can only spend the money on canned meat. The local parish priest called the incident "an outrage of notable proportions which bespeaks unutterable squalor" which is Christian for "fucktarded."

At home, in Alabama, a couple was caught having sex on the altar in a Baptist Church, because sometimes humping in a confessional booth just isn't sacrilegious enough. The altar was covered in red wax and the male half was found hiding under the church when police arrived, as his escape plan included digging to China.

8

On a Cop Car

7

In The Cockpit

In 1916, the first ever known case of sex on a plane resulted in a plane crash, so this fantasy got started off on the wrong foot and proved that some places are, in fact, inappropriate for getting frisky in.

"Worth it!"

The fact that the pilot was the one having the sex probably greatly contributed to the problem, but ever since they installed those new security doors, how do any of us know what the pilot is up to in the cockpit? It's called the cockpit for God's sake.

6

At School

It's a sad state of affairs that teachers having sex with students is about as common as baseball players using steroids or internet comedy writers going to sleep cold and alone. However, we can chalk that up to folks who are a few a nuggets short of a happy meal. When two teachers get together at school, under a security camera, and have sex, that's just plain stupid.

Leroy Coleman, Principal of Sandridge Elementary school, decided that going a few rounds with a teacher at his school in his office would be a grand idea and thus ran through the standard porno line up of positions. Even though he was married, he did this several times, and with different women, because the position of "school principal" is evidently kryptonite to all women. The man had the presence of mind to get his boning done behind closed doors and with no children present, but he neglected to turn off or even avoid the security camera pointed directly at his desk.

5

At Work

Having sex at work is rather mundane and, if our nation's schools are any indication, pretty much everyone is doing it these days. However, even the most mundane and vanilla scenarios get a boost when you toss in a vacuum named Henry that has a face on it.

"Dear Penthouse..."

One night in England, a Polish contractor working late on a children's hospital decided that the stress of the day and/or the hotness of an electronic suction device with a cartoon smile on it was too much to resist and got down on his hands and knees to make Henry a man. A passing security guard saw the man defiling the machine and requested that he clean himself and the Hoover up before leaving the premises. In fairness, Henry was totally asking for it.

4

On a Crane

Have you ever stared at a construction crane and thought to yourself "Man, I'd like to have me some sex on that"? Congratulations, you're just like Justin Dunn and Nicole Albert, a couple from Florida who climbed up on a crane, in the middle of the day, to bump uglies.

3

At a Drive-Thru

As should be obvious to everyone, Arby's is the sexiest of all fast food places, sexier even than Jack in the Box or Taco Bell. So sexy in fact that a myriad of customers have been unable to control themselves and just had to let their own curly fry flop out so they could smack it around some.

Kenneth Michael Dobbs got the Arby's urge in Decatur and went through the drive-thru butt-ass naked with one hand working his crank and then returned a couple of days later to do the exact same thing, because Arby-Qs are a twice a week obsession at least.

Don't you just want to masturbate right now?

Unfortunately for Dobbs, though the employees of Arby's are apparently stoked to see how excited their customers get, a police officer was parked nearby on his second trip, noticed the curious lack of clothing, and pulled the man over.

2

Jail

Prison sex tends to evoke a number of unfortunate images that are best left unexplored at this point in time. And since we're not talking about one unfortunate soul venturing to pick up some errant soap while a comrade saddles up behind him in an intimate and unwanted fashion, we won't even mention it. What we are talking about is something like what happened to public defender Theresa Olson when she took it upon herself to give her client a ride in a jail conference room.

From what we've learned from watching Boston Legal and reruns of LA Law, lawyers are prone to fits of sexiness all the time. Still, when you're in the midst of discussing a murder trial with the man accused of beating his parents and sister to death, it may be best to wait for some comically appropriate time to sneak into a judge's chambers or such instead of just giving the man a poke in full view of jail guards who weren't made aware of what zany David E. Kelly hijinks to expect.

1

Train Tracks

Though it should go without saying that having sex in the path of a fast moving super heavy chunk of iron, steel and pain is a bad idea, we'll say it anyway: having sex on train tracks is a bad idea. In fact, of all the places one could have sex, few have worse potential consequences for the couple involved with the possible of exceptions of inside volcanoes, on the back of a bull or at a communal shower in an old folks home.

Or any combination of the three.

Nonetheless, a couple in South Africa were getting busy on the tracks, deciding that humping out in lion country or in a parasite filled pool was too boring for them. As you might expect, the evening ended poorly for them when a train pulled into the station where the couple was at. Trains, being rather hard to stop, aren't good at bobbing and weaving around sweaty bodies in their path.

As such, the conductor on the train shouted out the window for the couple to move. The couple, deciding that finishing was a superior choice to living, continued what they were doing as the train rolled over them. The end result was probably that particular train conductor having the most horrible image ever burned into his mind, next to that old folks communal shower thing.

More of Fortey's writing can be found at Scenic Anemia.

Allow BriTANicK to show you how NOT to get her to kiss you. Or, Ian will be glad to kill your sexual fantasies in 9 Awesome Places to Have Sex (And the Horrific Consequences).