Wait a second! Why can't you just quietly donate, as millions of people do every day? Why do you have to hold your donation for ransom until the world pays you enough attention?
Can't you perform an act of generosity without dragging the attention-hungry asshole side of your personality into it? Who are you, Bono?
For the sake of optimism, we'll assume the group's creator will follow through on their promise to some degree, which is in itself a big leap of faith. Take a gander at some of these groups when they actually catch on. Smart money says you'll find backpedaling not seen since you bet the neighborhood dumbass he could bike up Dead Man's Hill.
But even for the ones who follow through, when you feel the need to announce your good deed to thousands of strangers so that they can marvel at what a great person you are, it's no longer charity. It's PR. You're paying a fee to buy a slice of positive public opinion.
Yes, at heart it winds up being the same attention grab as our Jackass stuntman up there. Sure, the end results are far, far better than a shaved ass or a singed eyebrow or two. But whittled down to pure motivation for creating the group, what do you find? Another dude hoping to impress the people he barely knows, and maybe get laid as a result.
Let's Create the Biggest Facebook Group Ever
Why You Invited Us:
Because we're looking at a once in the lifetime opportunity here. After all, there are millions and millions of profiles on Facebook, and the number's growing every day. It's easy for somebody to get lost among the masses, but how many people can claim to be a part of the biggest Facebook group ever created?
Well, if the group were to actually succeed, several million, but that's beside the point because the guy who started this one talked to Guinness and they're totally going to put us in their book you guys!
Why We Unfriended You:
First of all, your plan sucks. There's a reason neither presidential candidate chose the slogan, "If enough people vote for me I'll totally be President you guys!" These groups skip the part where they give the millions of people needed a reason to join. Well, beyond the prestige of appearing in the pages of Guinness alongside the world's oldest stripper.
More importantly, we've been studying up on the dictionary, and it turns out there can only be one largest group on Facebook. And since there are already an annoying number groups using this strategy, odds are, your group will fizzle out and die long before it reaches its lofty mark. Such as this one:
Which is desperately climbing the group size ladder, currently nestled between a group dedicated to a non-speaking film character and one for racist Eagle fans.
Why You Invited Us:
You share our disdain for pointless Facebook groups, but have difficulty grasping the difference between irony and simply being part of the problem.
Why We Unfriended You:
Because these are the worst groups on this list. By making fun of people that make the previous groups via yet another group, the people responsible are getting the same little "Look at me!" high the creators of the others do while still clogging up the Facebook world with needless group invites.
By sending us the invite you are asking us to reward their creators for being just as attention-hungry as the people they pretend to be better than. Hell, at least the Jackass-impersonators are creative in their goals.
That's the first five results that came up when we searched for "1,000 nothing." When the guy that took the time to incorporate a smiley is at the forefront of the group's creativity, you're doing something horribly, horribly wrong.
And if your intent behind spreading the word of the do-nothing groups is genuinely to show the folly of trying to change the world through Facebook groups, we have to ask you to take a step back and examine what the group you're inviting us to is trying to say. Go ahead and take a minute, we'll just be over here looking at those humorous pictures of people ironing their clothes in daring situations.
When not writing for Cracked or drawing penises on his friends' graffiti walls, Bobby writes for his blog.
If you liked that, read up on the 10 People From Your Past Who Will Haunt You On Facebook. Or find out why none of this would be a problem if they'd just follow The 10 Commandments of Facebook.