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SALESPERSON
"Need any help with some underpants, sir?
FRANK CASTLE
"It won't hurt at first."
JOAN
"He hasn't slept all week."
BUMPO
"How do you know?"
JOAN
"'Cause I haven't slept all week."
The 10 Most Misleadingly Pornographic Movie Titles
-
Dave Imboden
·
- June 13, 2008
We want to take a moment to alert the public about some of the most egregious false advertising we've ever seen. We're talking of course about movies we put on our Netflix queue under the assumption they were porn, based on their grossly misleading titles.
What's even more insidious is that each film had scenes and lines of dialog that really got our hopes up that we were about to see some hardcore action. Here are a few of the movies we're naming in our upcoming lawsuit:
10Anaconda
10
Anaconda
The lines that got our hopes up:
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GARY
"Is it just me or does the jungle make you really, really horny?"
WARREN
"Asshole in one."
9What Lies Beneath
9
What Lies Beneath
The lines that got our hopes up:
CLAIRE
"Pick up any dudes yet?"
JODY
"I have one in the trunk!"
8The Punisher
8
The Punisher
The lines that got our hopes up:
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7Shooter
7
Shooter
The lines that got our hopes up:
BOB
"Not hard enough."
DONNIE
"Movement. Two men. Approximately ... 40 goats."
6There Will Be Blood
6
There Will Be Blood
The lines that got our hopes up:
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PLAINVIEW
"I do my own drilling and the men that work for me, work for me and they are men I know. I make it my business to be there and see to their work. I don't lose my tools in the hole.
"I did what your brother couldn't. I broke you and I beat you."
"I'm finished."
5A Few Good Men
5
A Few Good Men
The lines that got our hopes up:
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LT. MARKINSON
"I want you to know that I am proud neither of what I have done, nor of what I am doing."
GALLOWAY
"Are you planning on doing any investigating, or are you just gonna take the guided tour?"
KAFFEE
"I'm pacing myself."
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4Holes
4
Holes
The lines that got our hopes up:
ZIG-ZAG
"He's not going to take it. Come here--eat the cookie."
MAGNET
"Pick a hole, any hole."
3Kicking and Screaming
3
Kicking and Screaming
The lines that got our hopes up:
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WESTON
"What is that haunting aroma?"
ANN
"You ease up on him."
LADY
"Look at the size of this bad boy, huh?"
2Lorenzo's Oil
2
Lorenzo's Oil
The lines that got our hopes up:
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ODONE
"Dr. Nikolias, what about the other boys, what results are you seeing in them?"
"Michaela, the doctors are in the dark. They're groping in the dark."
1Big Trouble in Little China
1
Big Trouble in Little China
|
The lines that got our hopes up:
JACK |
 |
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And finally, one we were relieved wasn't porn ...
Big Daddy
The lines that made us call the police:
SONNY
"Having a kid is great ... as long as his eyes are closed and he's not moving or speaking."
If you enjoyed that check out our rundown of The 15 Most Sexually Unappealing Porn Titles. Feel like getting the experience of watching porn without all that pesky arousal? Behold as Cracked Watches Pornography And Describes it to You. Wondering what sort of obscene, yet bizarrely earnest statement our resident spam bot is going to make today? Check out the comments below.
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