Vern knows more about Steven Seagal movies than Steven Seagal himself, which probably isn't saying much since we're not entirely sure Steven Seagal has yet achieved self-awareness. Below, he takes you through the greatest jobs ever held down by a Seagal character. These jobs might not logically explain his ability to snap your leg like celery. Hell, they might not technically be real jobs. But they are what Steven Seagal thinks are real jobs. And because of that they are awesome.
In studying the works of Steven Seagal, I have noticed that his characters are almost always a cop, an intelligence agent, an ex-intelligence agent, an ex-cop or an ex-intelligence agent cop. So whenever he replaces or combines those with some other way of paying the bills, it's a refreshing change of pace. It's also usually hilarious:
Seagal's most famous character is probably Casey Ryback, an ex-Navy SEAL who was demoted to a Navy cook after punching out his commanding officer. In Under Siege, this provides Seagal with the perfect cover to stalk killer terrorists and whisper, "I'm just a cook," to anyone who will listen. You might think the cook stuff is just an excuse to wear a funny hat, thus making the experience of getting your leg snapped by Steven Seagal that much more embarrassing. But by the time Under Siege 2 rolls around, he has his own restaurant called The Mile High Cafe.
Unfortunately there are some signs that Ryback's heart isn't really in the food game anymore, beginning with his unimaginative restaurant moniker. He is writing a memoir between thwarting terror plots. On the train headed for his brother's funeral, he works on his book Ryback's Tactics on his Newton.
Using the magic of the pause button, we learn that chapter one in Ryback's Tactics is titled "Don't Be a Hero." We're not able to see excerpts to gauge his skills as a writer. We can however get a hint of his talents in the kitchen by trying out his recipe for fruit salad with crystallized ginger.
Big Oil's Head Fighter of Oil Fires by Means of Explosion
Putting out deadly fires is obviously courageous. But in On Deadly Ground Seagal wasn't satisfied with such pedestrian badassery. And so in his directorial debut, he gave himself the job of fighting oil fires, using explosives. Leaving the CIA to act as personal firefighting expert to a corrupt Dick Cheney-like oil CEO (Academy-Award winner Michael Caine) is not the usual career path for an action hero. But then, Steven Seagal is not your ordinary action hero. Not in his mind at least.
Taft is well respected among his co-workers. We know this because when he first steps on the scene of an oil fire, we hear looped dialog saying, "Hey, Forrest is here! That fire is as good as out!" But while the job pays well, it's not good for the soul (Taft feels he's sold out and eventually has to quit) or for your health (they try to blow him up).
If you're thinking about applying for Forrest Tafts's job, one thing you should probably know: John C. McGinley, who laid off those people in Office Space has a similar job at Aegis Oil, only they give him a little more leeway and he ends up torturing and killing old people.