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Paul Abercrombie
Come on military, naming operations shouldn't be complicated. If you can't do it yourself, hire the guy who named Metallica tours in the '80s. We'd bet the troops would feel pretty close to indestructible riding into battle as a part of "Operation Ride the Lighting."
Instead they're asked to rally behind these monuments to self-parody. These are all real names of military operations. And besides the few times we specify otherwise, they're brought to you courtesy of our very own American military. USA! USA!
Operation Beastmaster
What Was It?
Cleared three large neighborhoods in Baghdad.
Sounds Like:
Someone watched a lot of late night HBO in the '80s.
Related: 5 Modern Day Beastmasters Who You Won't Believe Aren't Dead
Operation Deliverance
What Was It?
1993 Canadian mission to Somalia.
Sounds Like:
" ... and introducing Canada as Ned Beatty."
Related: 6 Famous Movie Scenes That Were Total Backstage Disasters
Operation Viking Snatch
What Was It?
Mission to disrupt weapons smuggling.
Sounds Like:
Sure it's scary. Months at sea. Little hygiene down there. But not the kind of scary we're looking for.
Related: A Stealthy Viking Is So Crazy That It Just Might Make 'Assassin's Creed' Awesome Again
Operation Enduring Freedom
What Was It?
Official name used by the U.S. Government for a military campaign in the global war on terrorism
Sounds Like:
The part of the war on terror that fights against unsightly pantylines.
Related: Get Back A Fraction Of Your Freedoms With This Privacy Filter
Operation Liberty Shield
What Was It?
2003 Department of Homeland Security operations to enhance security at U.S. installations.
Sounds Like:
" ... and not one accidental pregnancy during the entire operation."
Related: 5 Games That Took Maniac Liberties With History
Operation Elfin Cove
What Was It?
Counter-insurgency operation in Iraq.
Sounds Like:
Mordor is invading Rivendell!
Related: 5 Movies That Were Filmed In Literally Unbelievable Ways
Operation Power Geyser
What Was It?
2005 military security support to the 2005 presidential inauguration.
Sounds Like:
What the liberal half of the nation's collective ass felt like.
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Operation Block Party
What Was It?
Alongside Iraqi military, 100 Marines search Fallujah.
Sounds Like:
The most transparent bait and switch any army recruiter ever tried to pull on a high school dropout.
Related: Weird Old Presidential Gifts: Gigantic Blocks Of Cheese
Operation Able Warrior
What Was It?
Operation west of Baghdad to disrupt car bombing.
Sounds Like:
"Hey, now, we never claimed to be superior soldiers. Merely adequate."
Related: 5 Ways Japan's Women Warriors Carved Their Place In History
Operation All-American Tiger
What Was It?
2003 attempt to capture Saddam Hussein's associates.
Sounds Like:
The #4 on Chinese takeout menu.
Related: The Descendant Of The Saber-toothed Tiger May Disappoint You
Operation Operation Rapier Thrust
What Was It?
2004 Iraq mission classified either because of sensitive information or embarrassment by all involved.
Sounds Like:
What happened when they let the gay Ivy Leaguer name the missions.
Related: Fenn's Hidden Treasure Has Finally Been Found! (Maybe ...)
Operation Jaws V
What Was It?
Disrupting insurgent mortar attacks.
Sounds Like:
Whoever named this mission didn't see Jaws IV.
Related: The Hilariously Bonkers History of 'Jaws' In Video Games
Operation Seahorse
What Was It?
Mission to deter illicit activity along Iraqi border.
Sounds Like:
"Guys I think I know why they laughed at us for Jaws V. The sea creature we named it after was too damn big."
Related: The 6 Stealthiest Disguises in the Animal Kingdom
Operation Nickel Grass
What Was It?
1973 American airlift to Israel during 1973 Yom Kippur War.
Sounds Like:
It's true, weed was cheap back then.
Related: Bonehead Reason Coca-Cola Was Only A Nickel For Over 70 Years
Operation Bold Action
What Was It?
Mission to provide more security near Tarmiya in Iraq.
Sounds Like:
What the power strip takes against dampness and odor, according to Bam Margera.
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Operation Rainbow
What Was It?
2004 Israeli incursion into Gaza Strip
Sounds Like:
The Israeli PR agency wanted this to be seen as a friendlier, happier incursion into the Gaza Strip.
Related: Who Is The Culprit Behind The Sephora Eyeshadow Caper?
Operation Focus
What Was It?
Successful mission to find weapons cache in Iraq.
Sounds Like:
The last thing you want to hear the guy diffusing the bomb yell at himself.
Related: The Pistol Shrimp Is Louder Than A Gunshot
Operation Thundercat
What Was It?
Mission to disrupt Baghdad insurgency.
Sounds Like:
Cheap way of scoring laughs on a humor website, less effective way to convince people to risk their lives.
Related: A History of Pop Culture's Obsession with Human/Cat Hybrids
Operation Exercise Unified Spirit
What Was It?
Biannual NATO operation trains international forces to work together.
Sounds Like:
It was named at a high school pep rally, and "Operation Good Hustle, Guys" was deemed too casual.
Related: Google Top Searches Show We're More Unified Than We Think
Operation Safe Neighborhood
What Was It?
Mission to make markets safer for Iraqis.
Sounds Like:
Report of music being played too loud. Teenagers told to keep it down. Mission accomplished.
Related: 4 Lies That Need To Stop Being Spread About 'Bad Neighborhoods'
Operation Punisher III
What Was It?
Counter of surge in Al Anbar province in Iraq.
Sounds Like:
Dolph Lundgren was too stoic and Thomas Jane just never sold us.
Related: Cops Wearing The Punisher Skull Continues To Be Stupid
Operation Woodshed
What Was It?
Iraqi mission killed 11 terrorists.
Sounds Like:
"Feel vaguely ill at ease about what we have in store for you, enemy."
Related: Behold, The Most Hilariously Brutal Political Ad of 2018
Operation Beaver Cage
What Was It?
Swift Boat operation in Vietnam.
Sounds Like:
Ladies and gentleman, the results are in and we have a unanimous winner in the category of "military operation most likely to also be a porno catering to a vaguely frightening fringe fetish." However, the Swift Boat captains couldn't compete in the category of "most homoerotic mission name," which went to ...
Related: In The Role Of A Lifetime, Nic Cage Will Play ... Nic Cage
Operation Mustang Flex
What Was It?
Mission to deny insurgents sanctuary.
Sounds Like:
The fact that this is quite possibly the greatest name for a gay porn star ever concocted, and the implication of horse sex would have made this a shoo-in for "the most frightening name to think about in a sexual context that resists any other thought train" if it weren't for our winner ...
Related: 6 Iconic Pieces of Military Tech (That Secretly Sucked)
Operation Grizzly Forced Entry
What Was It?
Who cares?
Sounds Like:
...
If you enjoyed that, check out our rundown of The World's 16 Least Inspiring Flags. And be sure to check out today's video which shows you what happens When Dramatic Reenactments Go Wrong. Or find out why Dan O'Brien should be your choice to replace his older brother Conan in about his latest column in which he refers to himself as the Jesus Christ of boning.
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