Now that we got all these ingredients together from the ingredient gettin' place, you may think that we're all ready to begin. Well hold your horses, because you're forgetting the two most important things you have to do before beginning any cooking project.
First, you need to pray. I like to pray in my special praying closet under the stairs in the East Wing. It reminds me of the crawlspace daddy use to lock me in to apologize to Jesus for being slutty. I pray for about an hour or so, or until I'm nice and limber. Next, and just as important, you need to take a few of the pills that your doctor gives you. As you can see from the ingredients list, we're throwing a generous portion of them into the mix, but it's a good idea to take a few of them before committing to any serious activity. Or casual activity. Or just sittin'.
I have to try to remember not to throw all the ingredients into the bowl all at once. That's bad, Laura.
Alright, now that Jesus in your heart and the helpy pills have let you escape the awake-nightmares, we're ready to begin. First, grease two 9 inch layer cake pans and line the bottoms with wax paper. Now, I know a lot of you common folk use Crisco, but I use a very fancy alternative that I found one time when I was hiding in the Lincoln Bedroom. It's called Ky (pronounced kai, like "Yippy-kai-yai-yay, motherfather!") If ya'll can find a gettin' place that has this fancy stuff called Ky Jelly, you should buy it. It probably costs $50,000 or so, though, so you regular folks may have to settle for Crisco.