Still no word from you. I feel like maybe we got off on the wrong foot right from the get-go, and I'd like to try to make it up to you.
Let me start over, and if you still don't want to write back, I will definitely understand.
Hi! How are you? This is Michael Ian Black. We went to camp together a long time ago. In fact, we kind of "dated" one summer. Pretty funny, huh? I don't know if you remember me or not, but I definitely remember you. In fact, I have many fond memories of walking around the lake with you, playing knock hockey with you in the canteen, and also finger popping you.
The truth is, you were the first girl I ever fingered, and I still think about it all the time. Please take that as the compliment that it is intended to be, and not as anything "weird" or "creepy."
(Believe me, I could easily see how receiving a letter from a 35-year-old man reminiscing about fingering a 13-year-old girl could be construed as inappropriate. It was DEFINITELY not intended that way)
Anyway, if you get a moment, I'd love to hear all about your life. Do you like dogs?
Michael Ian Black
It's starting to become clear to me that you have no intention of writing back. At first I thought it was because you were shy, and didn't know what to say in your letters, which is why I ended the last one with a question designed to begin a dialogue ("Do you like dogs?").
However, now I'm beginning to think you just don't want to communicate. Maybe you told your husband that HE was the first guy who ever fingered you, and these letters are a painful reminder of the lie you are living.
If that's the case, I DEFINITELY understand. I was once in similar position with a girl who wanted to put something (a small jar of martini olives) up my ass. Of course, I told her she was the first. But believe me when I tell you, she was FAR from the first.
I lost touch with that girl a long time ago, but if she were to write to me today, I think I would at least have the courtesy to write her back.
I hope you die.
Michael Ian Black
P.S. If you do die, I'm going to go to the funeral and finger your corpse.
If you like that you might enjoy the story of how we got on The Judge Joe Brown Show and talked about transvestite strippers. Or read Wayne Gladstone's latest post in which he comes dangerously close to using the word whippersnapper.
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