Hulk Hogan Pasta to Shaq Fu: The 11 Most Pointless Celebrity Products

11

Rap Snacks--Dirt McGirt Potato Chips

Celebrity Offender: Old Dirty Bastard AKA Dirt McGirt

If you're wondering who in the blue hell "Dirt McGirt" is, he's the Old Dirty Bastard (ODB) from the highly-regarded and innovative rap super group the Wu-Tang Clan. ODB was his own man. ODB would do things like take a limo to the welfare office to pick up his check while his album was still on the Top 10 charts, all while being filmed by MTV. So either ODB had the biggest set of balls you've ever seen, or he was just batshit crazy. OK, he was just batshit crazy.

The Bastardly one had an arrest record longer than your arm, consisting of assault and battery, failure to pay child support, possession of crack, home-invasion robbery, attempted murder and several other crimes they hadn't invented laws for yet. Naturally, this made ODB the perfect candidate for his very own posthumously released potato chip, displaying the inspirational message "Think Responsibly." Because if anyone is a spokesperson for thinking responsibly, it's a lifetime criminal who died of a drug overdose.

10

Jeff Foxworthy Beef Jerky

Celebrity Offender: Jeff Foxworthy

If you ever see this jerky on the shelf while walking around your local Wal-Mart or truck stop, don't get too excited. They didn't ACTUALLY kill Jeff Foxworthy and turn his flesh into a tasty dehydrated treat, he just decided to put his name and mustachioed face on a product sure to delight ages 5 to 60, and IQ scores 70 to 75.

Foxworthy is the southern comedian that made a name for himself by making fun of rednecks, much to the delight of, well, rednecks for some reason. Even the packaging lets you know that "If you eat this, you might be a redneck." So basically, you're paying Jeff Foxworthy to insult you (again), placing his product right alongside "Have Another Donut, Fatass" brand donuts.

9

Slam City with Scottie Pippen

Celebrity Offender: Scottie Pippen

Slam City is, quite simply, one of the worst basketball games ever made. The point of the game is to beat a bunch of early '90s "urban" caricatures at one-on-one b-ball until you got the chance to face the man himself: Scottie Pippen. This is about as great an honor as playing Super Mario Bros. all the way through, only to find out that the main boss is a regular goombah.

This came out for the doomed Sega CD system back in the day, and like most games for the system used FMV (Full Motion Video) to make a game that both looked great and was utterly unplayable. You would have video footage of real people doing things (playing basketball, in this case), and pushing buttons on your controller would have some vague influence over what they did on the screen.

8

Hulk Hogan's PASTAMANIA!

7

Hulk Energy

Celebrity Offender: Hulk Hogan. Again.

That's right, folks. This is Hulk Motherfucking Hogan's own energy drink. Now, while it's not officially made with the Hulkster's blood (that would make it far, FAR too powerful), it is made with such popular energy drink ingredients such as Taurine, tons of B Vitamins, and Horny Goat Weed. No, we're not making that last ingredient up, and yes, it's for exactly what you think.

It basically exists because, in the Mighty One's own words: "My family and I have an incredibly active lifestyle. Between helping launch Brooke's music career and Nick's racing career, plus the demands of being involved in a hit series, if anyone is in need of their own energy drink it's me." That's right, if you take the Hulkster's word for it, and WE ALWAYS DO, we can blame this energy drink for allowing Brooke Hogan's "music" career to continue, giving the Hogan family the energy to keep producing yet another terrible celebrity reality show, and bringing in more money for Hogan's douchebag son Nick Bollea to spend wrecking expensive cars, the likes of which we'll never be allowed to touch.

6

Steven Seagal's Lightning Bolt

Celebrity Offender: Steven Seagal

Yes, Steven Seagal has also jumped into the lucrative energy drink market. Each can has a picture of Seagal, presumably to make you thirsty... FOR BLOOD, and a list of exotic ingredients, such as ginseng, guarana, and Tibetan goji berry, whatever the fuck that is. You know what you won't find on the ingredient list? Shame.

5

Joe Perry's Rock Your World Hot Sauce

Celebrity Offender:
Joe Perry of Aerosmith

We're not sure quite when it happened, but apparently it's now cool to have your face on the label of some condiment. Joe Perry of Aerosmith and Dexter Holland of the Offspring have their own hot sauces. What either of these rockers have to do with hot sauce is anyone's guess, but if buying their condiments are like buying tickets to see them, you should expect to pay a scalper at least $250 a bottle, or $275 through Ticketmaster.

Sure, we expect this from athletes, what with their Wheaties and canned beef stew. But shouldn't there be some law that requires rock stars to at least pretend not to be corporate shills until after they retire?

4

The Michael Jackson Premium Chocolate Bar

Celebrity Offender: Michael Jackson

Before becoming undoubtedly the creepiest motherfucker on the planet, Michael Jackson used to be famous for making some pretty damn good music and sold approximately 3 gozillion records. During this time period, Michael Jackson could have put his name on nickel-plated poop and sold it for a pretty penny. This was probably the reasoning behind the Michael Jackson premium chocolate bar.

There's an obvious joke in this about how M.J. created the candy bar to lure in children for dubious activities, but we'll take the high road and ignore that elephant in the room. What we WILL say is that the packaging of this candy bar is the definition of creepy. Go ahead, take a look at the giant Michael head coming from behind the highly symbolic rainbow, peering into our very souls with those surgically-altered, accusing eyes.

Also, he's grabbing his crotch right there on the wrapper. We personally refuse to buy food that features crotch grabbing right on the label, and you should too.

NOTE: We'd also like to mention that Carmelo Anthony of the Denver Nuggets has his own candy bar, too...

...but he was named after a candy bar in the first place, so it would be stranger if he didn't have his own. If Coolranchdoritos Wilson makes a professional sports team, the dude has a right to cash in.

3

Shaq Fu

2

Billy Beer

Celebrity Offender: Billy Carter (brother of President Jimmy Carter)

Billy Carter was the brother of President Jimmy Carter. More accurately, though, Billy was Jimmy Carter's fuck-up brother and the shame of the entire Carter family. He was a college drop out, ran a failed candidacy for mayor of a small city you've never heard of, and was accused in 1979 of "peddling influence" as a lobbyist for Libya. So obviously, the next step in such a promising career was to release his very own beer.

1

Socks the Cat Rocks the Hill

Celebrity Offender: Socks (the cat) Clinton

For those of you too young to remember, Socks the Cat was President Bill Clinton's cat, which means two things: 1) He is quite possibly the most famous cat in American history due to the ridiculous amount of attention he got, and 2) He has probably walked in on more sex acts than any other animal, living or dead.

For presumably both of these reasons, the video game company Kaneko decided it would be a good idea to make a video game starring the famous feline, wherein Socks takes on enemies like George Bush (Sr. only, sorry) and Richard Nixon for some reason. We have never played the game but we can only assume the cat would win such a fight by tearing out these elderly men's necks in a blur of feline rage. Unfortunately, the company went out of business before Socks' game was ever released.

For some literal celebrity whoring, check out the 10 most unlikely celebrity porn stars or, head to the forum where you can make a retarded photoshop and win cash.