In the remake of the film, the story remains basically the same, but Hayley Mills is Lindsay Lohan, the dad is Dennis Quaid, and the parents literally state that they don't remember why they ever got divorced. That's all well and good for Dennis Quaid, but our parents sure as hell remember why they got divorced, and in most cases it involved restraining orders, late nights at the office and four-hour shouting matches about undersalted meat loaf.

Damaging False Beliefs Traceable to Film:

Bursting into song is an acceptable way to express deep emotional wounds.

Our estranged Dad is in all likelihood a rugged, handsome vintner.

Somewhere out there is our long-lost identical twin, and she's an attractive preteen girl.

In reality, most adults make a living by selling off little pieces of their dignity to an asshole in a tie until they finally go home one night and "forget" to turn the car exhaust off in the garage. Also, gypsies aren't magic (unless looking crippled when you're not is magic) and playing the piano with your feet is a good way to get kicked out of most establishments. You really want to give up the next twelve years of your life in exchange for turning into Tom Hanks? Sure, it sounds okay, until you stop to consider that it means in a little under twenty years you'll look like this:

Damaging False Beliefs Traceable to Film:

Trampolines make good floors.

Our nagging suspicion that all the pricks we meet are just kids trapped in adult bodies, and while we slowly suffocate in our own awkward neuroses, they are marveling at the wonder of the adult world.

Elizabeth Perkins is a pedophile.

The Cold, Hard Truth:

The archetypal 90s scamp in this movie has got such a huge set of balls it's a wonder he's able to move, let alone defraud a bank. First he steals a million dollars, then he uses a "hacked" Macintosh Performa 600 to perfectly mimic a human voice and buy a castle complete with go-kart track and water slide, making him the single greatest computer engineer of his era. In real life, he would have been promptly pulled aside while waiting in line at the bank and stood whimpering while his (probably drunk) father was called to come pick him up/beat him for wasting the nice peoples' time.

Damaging False Beliefs Traceable to Film:

Money is the only relevant index of human success.

All dangerous criminals are really just incompetent Home Alone-style comic relief.

Somehow, somewhere, there is a luxurious, well-maintained castle that can be purchased for under a million dollars.

The Cold, Hard Truth:

Kids that try and evoke the Goblin Horde don't get valuable lessons in responsibility; they get put under professional supervision by child psychologists. Labyrinth's female protagonist would have been charged with child endangerment, criminal negligence, and putting a rift in the fabric of reality. Worse, all the muppet friends she (and by proxy, we) fell in love with are nothing more than inanimate heaps of laundry being wiggled around by a middle-aged guy who makes a living putting his hands up fake asses.

Damaging False Beliefs Traceable to Film:

Learning to contact juggle crystal spheres will make your the coolest kid in school.

There is a secret world of magic and wonder, and if we're good enough, we'll get to see it.

The Dark Crystal was awesome.

(Yes, that all happens in the movie.)

The Cold, Hard Truth:

The kids in this movie are legitimately pleased that their babysitter keels over while their negligent mother is away on an extended vacation. They do everything short of popping champagne and pissing on the body, all because the woman happened to be a little strict.

In reality, there are only two ways your babysitter can die while watching you. One involves listening to her garbled screams as a masked intruder drowned her in the bath she was drawing for you and your siblings. The other involves a stench like someone lit a thousand farts. Either way, the only important lesson in maturity you're likely to get is when you have to tell your younger sister that Mrs. Calloway is "just sleeping" and drag her body to the garage to wait for your Mom to come home.

Damaging False Beliefs Traceable to Film:

One day, we too could look as cool as David Duchovny looks in this movie:

Mom will always forgive us, as long as no one was hurt. After all, what's the important thing: Embezzlement and massive fraud, or that we all had good intentions?

Christina Applegate would make a good mother.

The Cold, Hard Truth:

News Flash: The only version of The Neverending Story you know anything about is the movie. Why? Because most books are not only terrible, but can take several days to finish. The kid you identified with in The Neverending Story is the same kid who will go on to become founder and only member of your High School's Juggling Club. And if you think just because you read a book a Luck Dragon is going to appear and help you scare away bullies, you're about to get the shit beaten out of you.

But perhaps the worst expectation this movie sets up in kids is the idea that if you believe in something with enough fervor, fantasy can become reality. If only you dream hard enough, magic can happen, stories can come alive, and you too can be a hero. Not hearing any voices from beyond? Still stuck working at Taco Bell to pay off credit card debt? Books continuing to spiral into disuse? Well, that's on you, you unimaginative little shits. Guess you just didn't want it bad enough, did you? We'll be sure to tell the Childlike Empress that as she slowly and painfully dies from your lack of imagination.

Damaging False Beliefs Traceable to Film:

Atreyu is an excellent band.

A recurring nightmare about our horses drowning in a bog.

A deep-seated fear that once begun, all stories will continue indefinitely until our deaths.

2) The Valedictorian of your High School will get invited to graduation parties.

The Cold, Hard Truth:

Jack features Robin Williams as a kid suffering from Werner's syndrome, with some Progeria mixed in for good measure. One big problem there: Werner's disease and Progeria don't make you steadily age at an accelerated rate as shown in the film. Rather, they make you age rapidly at the onset of puberty, develop spindly arms and legs, a "bird-like" face, and any of a wide range of age-related diseases including (but not limited to) cancer, heart disease, diabetes, and cataracts.

Pretty much the only age-related thing you don't get from it is senility, leaving your unequipped teenage mind to grapple with the moral quandary of why God would punch you in the soul so very hard for no apparent reason. Our guess? In your past life, you greenlit the movie Jack.

Damaging False Beliefs Traceable to Film:

Our son's lazy eye isn't a birth defect, but a boon that will win him the admiration of his peers in school.

Young kids are completely open to people with special needs, and treat them with dignity and tolerance.

Robin Williams has the mental capacity of a ten-year-old child.