6 Singers Who Are Mistaken About Their Raw Sexuality
There's something about a lead singer that drives the ladies wild, even if the man is hideous. Someone like Seal, or even Lyle Lovett, who looks like an ill-fitting skin glove pulled over a hat rack, has more access to poozle than any of us could dream of.
We don't begrudge them; we actually are die-hard supporters of people managing to pork out of their station. Yet, some artists seem to have convinced themselves that their popularity with the ladies is because they're love gods, and not because of their fame and piles of money.
Adam Levine (of Maroon 5)
In "Makes Me Wonder," the first single from It Won't Be Soon Before Long, Adam asserts that his sexual prowess is so palpable that even a simple airport security procedure results in a violation of his person (about two minutes in).
He wants the viewer to know it would require at least three agents to examine him because the sheer power of his attractiveness would cause all of the instrumentation to suddenly read "Warning: Libidinous Demigod Is About To Rock Your World." Unless standard weapons searches now include a "happy ending," this is an experience unique to Adam.
Why he's mistaken:
For all of his video swagger, Adam Levine is basically ripping off Robert Palmer. He pops his hips in sultry/arthritic manner and surrounds himself with strangely leathery fembots.
Levine seems utterly convinced of his appeal, as if someone once pulled him aside and told him, "You know what chicks are into? Falsettos and anemia." He also spends an inordinate amount of time staring coldly at the camera, as if he has Rohypnol Vision as a superpower. He's going for "intensity," but winds up with "Crazy Guy on the Bus Who Won't Stop Staring at You."
We do have to give Adam credit, though. He has carefully selected band members exponentially less hotter than he is, in an overt attempt to make himself look better by comparison.
It's easy to dislike Usher for being a pale imitator of an old-school Michael Jackson, but it seems these days that his impression is actually more compelling than the originator. However, we're pretty sure Michael never purported to be a sex symbol (at least not for anyone post-pubescence), which Usher happily cops to at every turn, as we see in the below video.
In "Yeah," he lets it be known that he can't find an idle moment to contemplate the horrors in Darfur because some random lingerie model is always trying to bed him. With all of these nymphomaniacal strumpets pawing at him, he barely has time to pout for the camera for tightly-cropped face shots or stroke his washboard abs. Won't they just leave the poor introvert alone?
Why he's mistaken:
Sure, Usher is a stunning specimen in many respects (just try to do an image search for Usher and count the images of his exposed torso). But, none of it matters, because his head is shaped like a butternut squash.
We don't want to come down too hard on the man, we realize his cranium isn't his fault (and may be the product of a traumatic birthing procedure).
All we're saying is that if instead of an R&B star Usher was, say, working at the tech support call center at Verizon, he would not be surrounded by booty 24/7. He would be shoved into a corner so that passers-by would not see him and start screaming at the sight of his terrifying alien squash head.
Jay-Z doesn't have to insist anything. The man is dating Beyonce Knowles. We would abandon all of our earthly possessions and live a karmically clean life on the outside chance that we'd be reincarnated as a wart on his penis and thereby get a brush with glory. That said, he is no stranger to outrageous claims in songs like "Big Pimpin'."
"Now every time, every place, everywhere we go
Hoes start pointin - they say, 'There he go!'"
While this may be true, we object to Jay-Z's assertion that all hoes use such deplorable grammar. We know a many good hoes whose command of the English language is beyond reproach. It continues ...
"You know I - thug 'em, fuck 'em, love 'em, leave 'em
Cause I don't fuckin need 'em
Take em out the hood, keep 'em lookin good
But I don't fuckin feed 'em"
Jay-Z is apparently quite the vivacious lover, as well as particularly brutal captor. From the sound of it, he could have any number of starving, well-dressed hoes locked up in his basement.
"It puts the lotion on its skin or tha Jigga slaps the hoes again."
Why he's mistaken:
Jay-Z has a big head. Not figuratively, either. His body weight is 85 percent cranium.
That would be fine to a degree if it was a particularly dashing head or if we were hydrocephalus fetishists, but it simply doesn't fly. We heard he had titanium shafts installed into his neck for the video shoot for his own safety and all hoes in proximity.
We were searching for a comparison for his looks, but no mortal being came to mind. That's when we discovered that he is basically just an amply blinged Mr. Potato Head.
During his long tenure in the entertainment world, Kid Rock has demonstrated the kind of pimpin' credibility that can only come with the willingness to wear an emerald rockabilly pant suit.
In "Cowboy," Kid Rock alternates between running off with someone's newly betrothed and being wildly gyrated against by go-go dancers.
The dancers are particularly impressive, since Kid's animal magnetism must have been so great they were compelled to spontaneously cast off their clothes and gyrate in the middle of the road. Or, perhaps the matter in Kid's pimp hand was so dense that it collapsed all non-pimping matter, tearing the fabric off the ho/time continuum, opening a wormhole from which they appeared. Thanks to NASA's hard-on for Mars, we may never have the scientific resources to know definitively.
The greatest feather of validation in his cap would have to be his once romantic link with Pamela Anderson. That kind of high profile dating is certainly notable, although in Hollywood circles it is about as rarefied as the rest of the world riding public transit.
Why he's mistaken:
If you could simultaneously hybridize both the prominent features and fashion sense of The Simpsons' Cletus The Slack-Jawed Yokel and either of the Nelson brothers you have essentially brewed Kid Rock.
Kid Rock understands that the more interesting the clothing he selects, the less interesting he actually has to be. No matter how much gusto he puts into his straight, pimpin' redneck retardery, there is nothing that can outshine the fact that he sports a moustache that barely pubescent Filipino boys can trounce.
With all of his homies, his entourage and throngs of followers, any number of people could have staged an intervention on his "moustache" by now, and yet it persists.
Though his flow usually focused on dark storytelling, some of his more mainstream songs like "Big Poppa" and "Hypnotize" allowed Biggie an outlet for his sensitive side. He wanted the world to know he was a Renaissance man who didn't just slap bitches, but just frequently had sex with them. In the video for "Hypnotize," he managed to convey that message while on an epic run from the law with Diddy (or as he was known then, the dude who whispers "that's right" in the background of Biggie's songs). The chase finds them in a boat trying to outrun three helicopters, as well as attempting to escape from six motorcycles in a car driving exclusively in reverse. For two enterprising pimps, they had a tendency to choose unballin' modes of evasion.
His lyrics spoke clearly for him, even if he seldom did.
"Girlfriend here's a pen, call me round 10
Come through, have sex on rugs that's Persian (that's right)"
Biggie is suggesting that he was such a mack that he had to pencil appointments into his bustling sex schedule. Not only would he rock their world, he also would introduce them to luxuries like sex on a throw rug.
"At last, a nigga rappin' bout blunts and broads
Tits and bras, menage-a-tois, sex in expensive cars ..."
We're not sure what B.I.G. had against conventional beds, but it didn't keep him from sexing up a few lucky ladies in his hoopdie. Likely while driving in reverse.
Why he's mistaken:
He might be one of the greatest rappers, ever, but to say Biggie wasn't a handsome man is a bit of an understatement. To this day, our nation's top scientists have been unable to conclude if Notorious B.I.G. looked more like an obese Boston Terrier ...
... or Quaid just prior to asphyxiating on the surface of Mars in Total Recall:
Prince, or the Artist Seldom Known As Subtle, has insisted since day one he is sex incarnate. While some singers occasionally bolster the notion with suggestive dancing or lyrical turns, Prince has opted it as his entire shtick.
The best part is it takes zero familiarity with his catalog to notice this. Just browse a selection of his song titles to make that case.
"Do Me Baby"
"I Wanna Be Your Lover"
"My Love Is Forever"
"Nothing Compares 2 U"
"Soft and Wet"
"The Greatest Romance Ever Sold"
"The Most Beautiful Girl In The World"
On a side note: He's so overtaxed with his sexing that he doesn't even have time to spell out "to" or "you" in any of his song titles or lyrics, but rather juxtaposes with "2" and "U". Impressive!
Why he's mistaken:
Prince has postured himself as some kind of other-worldly, almost ethereal, sex-monger. Unfortunately for Prince, there is a sizable rift where fantasy and reality depart for mainstream sexiness. Ladies, identify which of the below characteristics your Ultimate Male Sex Symbol would embody.
 Bouffant hairdo
 Pencil-thin pedophile moustache
 5-foot-2, except when wearing heels
 Wears eyeliner
 Wrote a song called "If I Was Your Girlfriend," probably while wearing heels
Furthermore, while we understand musicians often leverage the power of wardrobe to give them an exotic style and indelible mental image, it also serves the distinct advantage of drawing attention away from their face. Whether it's ass-less pants or testosterone-less man blouses, Prince is always primped to make an impression. Even if you previously thought Prince was an institution to sexy, watch what happens to his mystique when he is removed from his normal couture and slides into a McDonald's uniform.
More of Ian's work can be found at InternetSensation.com